Studio Sex aka Studio 69 / Exposed

'And you ratted to the police, you fucking bitch! How the hell else could they know that the books were there just then? You sold me out, your friend, for a fucking job!' Patricia shrieked. 'You are such a stinking piece of shit! Fuck you forever!'

Annika backed, hearing her own words inside her head. Jesus, Patricia was right. What have I done, what have I done?

The woman ran back to her mattress, pulled it along, and left the apartment without closing the door. Annika rushed up to the window and saw Patricia running across the yard dragging the mattress over the gravel. Annika pressed her forehead against the cold glass. Slowly she walked over to Patricia's room. A glass lay on its side on the floor, and hanging on the wall was Josefin's pink suit. Annika felt the tears welling up.

'I'm sorry,' she whispered.

***

The numbness stayed with her all the way to Flen. Unable either to feel or eat, she saw the farmsteads of Sormland fly past. The rhythmic beat of the wheels of the train became an incantation in her mind: Your fault, Patricia, your fault, your fault, your fault, your fault…

She covered her ears with her hands and shut her eyes.

At least the bus was waiting at the railway station. It left for Halleforsnas a few minutes later, passing Mellosa and stopping at the builders' merchant in Flenmo.

This may be the last time I go home when I come here, she mused.

Her mother wasn't particularly happy to see her: 'Come on in. I've just made coffee.'

Annika sat down at the kitchen table, still dazed and ashamed.

'I've found a house,' her mother said, putting another cup on the table.

Annika pretended not to hear, just looked out at the roofs of the works.

'It's got a carport and a pool,' her mother went on, a bit louder. 'White brick. It's big, seven rooms in all. There's space for you and Sven.'

'I don't want to live in Eskilstuna,' Annika said without looking at her mother.

'It's in Svista, outside Eskilstuna- you know, Hugelstaborg. It's a nice area. Respectable people.'

Annika blinked away the image before her eyes, closing her eyes tight in irritation. 'What do you want with seven rooms?'

Her mother stopped puttering around. She sounded hurt. 'I want to have space for you all, for you and Sven and Birgitta. And for my grandchildren, of course.'

Annika hadn't thought about her sister in ages. Her mother must be really deluded if she thought they could all live together like a happy family. She got to her feet as her mother winked knowingly.

'Then you'll have to rely on Birgitta,' Annika said. 'I won't be having any kids for a while yet.'

She walked over to the counter, took a glass out of the cupboard, and filled it from the tap. Her mother's gaze followed her, somewhat reproachful.

'Doesn't Sven have a say in that, then?'

Annika spun around. 'What do you mean by that?'

Her mother bridled. 'Some people think you push him around. Moving up to Stockholm just like that, without discussing it with him.'

Annika turned white with rage. 'What do you know about that?'

Her mother fumbled with a pack of cigarettes. She had to try the lighter a few times before she got it to work. She took a deep drag and started coughing immediately.

'You don't know a thing about me and Sven,' Annika said while her mother coughed. 'Are you saying I should have turned this opportunity down for his sake? Should my career and living be dependent on his whims? Is that really what you think? Huh?'

Her mother had tears in her eyes when she got her breath back. 'My, my, I really should quit.' She attempted a smile.

Annika didn't return it. 'Of course I think you should concentrate on your job. You're very talented. Though it's a hard life up there, everybody knows that. No one's blaming you for failing to make it.'

Annika turned around and filled her glass up.

Her mother came up to her and patted her arm awkwardly. 'Annika, don't be mad at me.'

'I'm not mad at you,' Annika said in a low voice without turning around.

Her mother hesitated. 'Seems like it sometimes.'

Annika turned around and looked at her mother with tired eyes. 'I just don't understand why you keep thinking that you're going to move into a fancy villa in Eskilstuna. You don't have the money. And what would you do if you did? Would you commute to work at the supermarket here?'

Now her mother turned her back. 'There are plenty of jobs in Eskilstuna,' she said sullenly. 'Honest and scrupulous checkout assistants don't grow on trees.'

'Why don't you start by finding a job then? You're starting at the wrong end by looking at luxury houses, surely you must see that?'

Her mother was sucking hard at her cigarette. 'You don't respect me.'

'Of course I do!' Annika exclaimed. 'Jesus, you're my mother! I just want you to be realistic. If you want to live in a house so badly, then get one here in Halleforsnas. They cost next to nothing! I saw one for sale up on Flensvagen today. Do you know what they're asking for it?'

'Finns,' said her mother contemptuously.

'Now you're being silly.'

'What about you? You don't want to live here either. You just want to stay in Stockholm.'

Annika flung her hands out. 'Not because there's anything wrong with Halleforsnas! I love this place. But the job I want isn't here.'

Her mother angrily stubbed her cigarette out in the sink. Her cheeks were burning with agitation, and her eyes were red around the edges. Her voice trembled as she said, 'You must see that I don't want to live in any old rickety house in this godforsaken hole! I'd rather stay here in my apartment.'

'Then do that,' Annika said, and picked up her bag and left.

***

She got her bike and rode down to see Sven. No point in putting it off. He lived in the old works stables, a building that was once stately and impressive but which was now part of the shabby end of Tattarbacken.

He was at home, watching soccer on TV with a beer in his hand.

'Darling.' He got to his feet and hugged her. 'I'm so happy you're home.'

Gingerly, she pulled away from his arms, her heart thundering and her legs shaking.

'I've come here to pack up, Sven,' she said, her voice trembling.

He smiled. 'So you think we can move in together?'

She swallowed and took a deep breath. 'Sven, I've got a job in Stockholm. At Kvallspressen. They want me back. I'm starting in November.'

She was clutching her bag tightly with her hands.

Sven shook his head. 'But you can't. You couldn't commute every day, that'd be impossible.'

She closed her eyes, feeling the tears welling up. 'I'm moving, for good. I've given the landlord here notice, and I've resigned from Katrineholms-Kuriren.'

She instinctively backed toward the door.

'What the hell are you talking about?' Sven came closer.

'I'm sorry,' she said through her tears. 'I never wanted to hurt you. I really have loved you.'

'Are you leaving me?' he said in a stifled voice, grabbing her by her upper arms.

She put her head back and closed her eyes, her tears rolling down her face and neck.

'It has to be like this,' she said breathlessly. 'You deserve someone who loves you more. I can't any longer.'

He started shaking her, slowly at first, then more and more violently.