The Darker Side

' 'Ananias departed and entered the house, and after laying his hands on him said, 'Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road by which you were coming, has sent me so that you may regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.' And immediately there fell from his eyes something like scales, and he regained his sight, and he got up and was baptized; and he took food and was strengthened.'

'Saul repented his sins and came to Christ and was thereafter no longer blind. There are those, I know, who will see only the literal in this and no metaphor. I see it as a direct message, an example of the paradigm I have been discussing. Saul was a sinner, and thus, he was blind to God even when God was before him. Saul was filled with God, and his sight was restored. What could be more obvious, more basic, more true?

'And so I say to you, as someone who has worked all his life to be an observer of God's truth, that your sins, your secrets, your lies, these are what prevent you from seeing the simplicity of the love in the world around you.

'Perhaps you hear this and you agree and you have decided, now I will live in truth. I will be honest, I will sin no more. I applaud and encourage you in this, but I must be honest and tell you--you will fail unless you come to understand this fact: truth is not a striving, it is an immediate arrival.

'What do I mean by this?

'It is explained in our next discussion: the nature of the truth that hides a lie, and the example of Lisa/Dexter Reid.'

Fade to black.

'Oh shit,' I say.

'It gets worse,' Alan replies, grim.

He clicks the next thumbnail. I watch and fight the unease that's coming to a slow bubble inside my belly.

Again the hands. They haven't moved once since we began watching.

'Lisa Reid was born Dexter Reid, son to Dillon and Rosario Reid. Dexter became unhappy with the body God had given him, and chose instead to alter that body in an attempt to become a woman.

'All can agree that this is an abomination against the Lord. But it is here, with this misguided soul, that we most vividly illustrate the phenomenon of the truth that hides a lie. The phenomenon goes as such: a person reveals a secret, a sin, a lie. It is not a small thing that they reveal. It requires courage to do so, and it garners them both relief and admiration. They receive praise for having 'come clean.' All of which would be well and good . . . except for the fact that they had a deeper, darker, as yet unrevealed secret.

'You see? By revealing one great sin, they remove all suspicion that there might be another. We watch them tell the truth, cry tears of relief along with them, and wish we had their strength of character, their newfound courage and virtue. Unbeknownst to us, something more terrible remains unseen.

'This is what I meant when I said that truth was not a striving, but an immediate arrival. One either comes to the truth all at once, or not at all. There is no halfway mark on the path to God. You are either with him or you are not.

'Dexter Reid became Lisa Reid. He came into the open, he revealed his secret--the desire to become a woman--to the world. He accepted all the disgust, chastisement, and blame that would accrue with this. He walked this path unflinching, refusing to be deterred by the disapproval of society. Some--many, even--saw this and admired him for it. Dexter's life was difficult, even dangerous, but he did what he did because he felt he must, in spite of the obstacles. The definition of courage.'

Another pause. The hands move this time. One thumb comes free and rubs the beads of the rosary.

'But Dexter had another secret. He detailed it in his journal. I have those pages of the journal here, as I stole them after I killed him.'

Fade to black. The white letters Continued in next clip.

'Dammit!' I say.

'It's a hard medium to get used to,' Alan allows. Alan clicks on the next thumbnail. When the video begins, the screen is filled with a page of paper. I recognize Lisa's handwriting. The narrator pulls the page away from the lens and holds it in his right hand so he can read it. The rosary remains draped in his left, and he moves the beads between thumb and forefinger with reverence, a motion I can tell is as natural to him as walking. He begins to read.

THE SIN

of DEXTER REID

22

IT WAS A GREAT SUMMER DAY. GREAT. HOT AND NOT TOO muggy and filled with the promise of everything but school. Dexter stood on the porch of the house and surveyed his neighborhood. It was a good neighborhood, no doubt about that. Not the good that came of new homes, but the comfortable good of old homes kept up to snuff.

The sky was blue and visible in that way Mom called 'Texas Sky.'

Texas was flat and rolling and Austin was not all that fond of skyscrapers, so in many places you could see blue from horizon to horizon. It was all right. Dexter had awoken this Saturday to do his usual routine. It was precious to him, and growing more so as he got older and began to get the hint that times were changing. He was eleven, and already he could see the lines between the sexes--once so blurred--being forced into focus. Guys only a year older were talking about things like

'pussy' a lot more and with a genuine interest and hunger. It was disconcerting. Dexter had been able to wake up at 5:30 A.M. on Saturday mornings with no alarm since he was six years old. He'd discovered that some of the best cartoons, the old black and whites that you never saw anywhere else anymore, were on in those early hours. He'd get up and head down to the kitchen and treat himself to homemade cinnamon toast. His version included huge hunks of butter, unhealthy helpings of sugar, and just enough cinnamon to give it all a little bit of bite. In it went to the toaster oven, out it came with the butter bubbling. He'd watch it cook, stare at the heating coils turned orange by their temperature.

He loved these mornings, loved that no one else was awake, that he had the house to himself, at least in illusion. It was a feeling of freedom and safety, not so much as if nothing bad would ever happen--

but the certainty that nothing bad would happen now, at this moment. The times between 5:30 and 8:00 A.M. were an armistice in Dexter's heart.

He'd grab the toast once it had cooled enough (but not too much) and put it on some paper towels and head into the living room where the TV was. He'd switch on the set and put it to the right channel and plop down on his beanbag. Mom hated the beanbag, and Dad wasn't all that excited about it--he called it a seventies throwback--but Dexter had stood firm on keeping it. It was a talisman, a part of the ritual.

Sometimes they'd still play 'Inky and the Mynah Bird' in Texas in those early morning hours, but most of the time, it was 'Huckleberry Hound' or some old unclassifiable cartoons. These turned into 'Tom and Jerry' and from there to the 'Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Show.'

He'd watch them all, and make mental lists during the commercials of the cool new toys to bug Mom and Dad about.

The first part of the magic ended at about 8:00, as Mom and Dad got up. He loved them both, but the ritual was all about solitude; their presence broke the spell. He'd hit the shower and get dressed as they stumbled through their first coffees. A kiss on Mom's cheek and a mumbled good morning from Dad and he was out the door by 8:30. Now here he was, cartoons and cinnamon toast behind him, the whole day before him. What to do? He had a few bucks in his pocket, the result of lawn-mowing industry. He could head to the Circle K

and buy some comics. He could grab his bike and ride to the pool. Heck, he could do anything he wanted!

He opted to walk, an unusual choice, but the day was just so great and he wanted to feel the ground underneath his tennis shoes. He headed down to the junction, which is what he called the top of the T

where his street met another at a stop sign. Right took you to the park and the pool, left took you to