As if to rouse her daughters-in-law, the Grand Empress handed out paper fans.
We got up and bowed in Her Majesty’s direction and then sat back down and opened our fans.
It was time for the action scene. The monkeys were led by their king on all fours as they circled their enemy, the dying White Fox, who sang to the audience:
The audience clapped at the singing, and Lady Yun got up. I assumed she needed to go to the chamber pot. But something about her movement caught my eye. She was twisting her bottom, and her belly seemed slightly swollen.
She’s pregnant! Nuharoo, Li, Mei, Hui and the others all uttered the same phrase.
After a hard stare, Nuharoo turned away. She picked up her fan and rocked her wrist ferociously. The rest of the Imperial wives did the same.
My mood turned dark. Nuharoo’s diadem and Lady Yun’s belly were like two burning rods stuck in my skin.
Emperor Hsien Feng did not even bother to say hello to me. He got up and left at intermission. I watched him exit, followed by eunuchs and ladies in waiting carrying washbasins, spittoons, fans, cracker dishes, soup pots and trays.
Chief Eunuch Shim told us that our husband would be back shortly. We waited, but His Majesty did not return. The crowd turned its attention back to the opera. My mind was like a pot boiling with dead thoughts. I sat till the end, my ears buzzing with the sound of drums.
The Grand Empress was pleased with the performance. “This is much better than the original
Her Majesty asked to meet with the leading actors, the young men who played the Monkey King and the White Fox. The actors came from backstage with their makeup still on. Their faces looked like they had been dipped in soy sauce.
The Grand Empress ignored the Monkey King and talked to the White Fox effusively. “I love your voice.” She produced a bag of taels and placed it in his hands. “It makes me drunk with happiness.” She held his hand and wouldn’t let go. “A true songbird. My songbird!” She stared at the actor with the eyes of a young lover, murmuring, “Beautiful boy! Lovely creature!”
The actor was only average-looking, in my opinion, although I greatly admired his singing and dancing. His White Fox possessed the essence of feminine beauty. I had never seen a man playing a woman so poetically. It was amazing what art could do, for the Grand Empress was known as a eunuch-hater.
The Grand Empress turned to us. “How did you enjoy the opera?”
We got the hint: it was time to offer our share. The Imperial wives and concubines, myself included, reached into the small string bags we all carried.
The actors kowtowed and retreated.
Her Majesty rose from her seat, and we understood that it was time to depart.
We got down on our knees and said, “Until next time, we wish you a peaceful season!”
Our mother-in-law marched out without a nod.
“The Imperial palanquins walking!” Chief Eunuch Shim called, and the bearers came with our chairs.
We bowed to Nuharoo and then to each other in silence.
The curtain of my palanquin was put down. I fought hard with my bitterness and was ashamed of my weakness. It did no good when I told myself that it had been my choice to enter the Forbidden City, and that I had no right to complain or feel miserable.
An-te-hai’s image appeared in the mirror as I was taking off my makeup. He asked if I needed my dresser to help me undress. Before I could reply, he said that he could assist me if I didn’t mind.
I let him.
An-te-hai picked up a comb and carefully began to loosen the ornaments in my hair.
“My lady, would you care to go to the east garden tomorrow?” he asked. “I have discovered some interesting plants…”
I stopped him because I could feel my anger looking for an outlet.
An-te-hai closed his mouth. His fingers worked steadily through my hair. He pulled out a jade flower and then took off my diamond necklace. He set the pieces on the dressing table one after another.
Unable to bear my feelings, I started to weep.
“The knowing mind is powerful enough to rescue one from disaster,” An-te-hai said quietly as if to himself.
The dam inside me broke and the angry water surged. “But for me, knowing is hurting.”
“Hurting is the beginning of healing, my lady.”
“Go ahead and deepen my wound, An-te-hai. The truth is that I have failed utterly.”
“No lady in this place can make things happen without paying a price.”
“Nuharoo did, and so did Lady Yun!”
“But it is not the whole truth, my lady. Your perspective needs adjusting.”
“What perspective are you talking about? My life has been uprooted by a tornado, I have been thrown into the air, and now I’m crashing. What can I do but give up?”
An-te-hai stared at me in the mirror. “Nothing, my lady, nothing is more terrible than giving up.”
“How will I go on, then?”
“By studying the way the tornado runs its course.” He picked up a brush and resumed combing my hair.
“What course?”
“A tornado is at its strongest around the edges.” The eunuch held up my hair with one hand and brushed it in a quick motion with the other. “The wind has the strength to lift cows and carriages and fling them back to earth. But the center of the tornado is quiet…” He stopped, and his eyes traced the length of my hair. “Beautiful hair, my lady. It is silky black, which promises strong health. This is hope in its most basic sense.”
“What about the tornado?”
“Oh, the tornado, yes, the quiet center. It is relatively still. This is where you should be, my lady. You must avoid certain paths where you know opportunities are few, and concentrate on creating new paths where no one has walked and where thorns are seemingly thick.”
“You have been thinking well, An-te-hai,” I said.
“Thank you, my lady. I have thought of a way for you to create a real-life opera, with yourself as the leading lady.”
“Let me hear it, An-te-hai.”
Like an advisor offering his strategy to a general, An-te-hai revealed his plan. It was simple but seemed
