Empress Orchid

sleep. Like a pen, my eyes traced the contours of his body.

A shaft of moonlight cut the floor. The color was white with a touch of yellow. It recalled my mother’s complexion as she watched my father die. Each day the wrinkles chewed away a bit of her, biting deeper into her skin. Then suddenly one day the lines changed the entire landscape of her face. Her skin hung as if pulled by the earth. My mother was no longer a young woman.

Slowly and silently, I removed myself from the bed. I placed the qin on the table against the wall. I put on my gown and looked out the windows. I stared at the moon and saw myself in it-a large tear-washed face.

Hsien Feng lay curled in sleep, a man dreaming a man’s dreams. Like everyone in China, I used to think of the Son of Heaven as a god-like figure, the dragon who penetrated the universe. Today I saw a man whose delicate shoulders were having trouble carrying the nation’s burden; I saw a man who sobbed over my songs, a man who grew up without a mother’s love. What was misfortune if this was not? How terrible it must have been for him when his mother hanged herself in shame and everyone lied to him while all along he knew the truth! The irony was that he would never get to be the simple man he desired to be. Tomorrow morning, in front of his audience, he had to fake himself.

Tonight had been worthy of my ruyi and my hairpin. I was glad for what I had achieved. If His Majesty forgot me tomorrow, he couldn’t erase my memory of tonight. It belonged to me. If I were to see my grave tomorrow, I would carry this night with me.

The moonlight shifted and now shone through the carved window frames. The shadows looked like embroidery spilling onto the floor. I put my cheek against the soft silky sheet of the Imperial bed and my skin against the body of the Son of Heaven. I wanted to thank him for stripping us of our titles and allowing us to touch each other the way common souls did.

At this thought I relaxed, although my fear still lingered. I prepared myself to leave the Hall of Spiritual Nurturing and never return.

Emperor Hsien Feng turned. His left arm was exposed. In the moonlight it looked as thin as a young boy’s. I would let him sleep. He was facing me now. His eyebrows were no longer furrowed. His dream must be sweet.

The yoo-hoo-loos’ singing had become discordant. It was a sign (so An-te-hai told me) that the males were finished mating and were now struggling to leave the females’ bodies. The high-pitched sounds, those of the females, were disturbing. The longer I sat, the harder they were to bear. I was forced to admit that I had fallen in love with the moment, and was dreading its end. An ache started to take hold of me. I grew more desperate with each fleeting instant.

I could kiss him, I thought. I could kiss him the way I had learned at the House of Lotus. I wished that His Majesty were the same as the customers who visited that house, for they knew pleasure and sought it at every opportunity. I wondered if Emperor Hsien Feng had ever experienced true pleasure. I sensed that he hadn’t. He didn’t seem familiar with affection. But how could I blame him? He had to rule the country, and every night it was his duty to deposit his seeds in womb after womb. Wouldn’t I be impotent too?

I heard soft footsteps. The eunuchs were coming for me.

Emperor Hsien Feng remained still. I bid a silent farewell.

There was a light knock at the door.

I stood in the moonlight.

The door was gently pushed open. Chief Eunuch Shim’s figure blocked the moon. He threw himself on the ground and bowed toward the sleeping Emperor. “It’s time for me to fetch Lady Yehonala, Your Majesty.”

No response came from the bed.

Chief Eunuch Shim repeated himself.

Snoring was Emperor Hsien Feng’s reply.

With no hesitation, Shim waved and four other eunuchs stepped in. They approached me with the litter. They took me by the arms and placed me on it and carried me outside.

Just as Shim was about to close the door, a sudden wailed “No!” erupted from the room.

Signaling his people to halt, Shim went back. He stuck his head inside the bedroom. “Your Majesty?”

There came no answer.

He hesitated for a moment and then signaled for the eunuchs to free me.

I got off the litter and slipped barefoot back into His Majesty’s room.

Chief Eunuch Shim pulled the door closed.

I was beyond my good senses.

His Majesty cuddled up behind me. The touch of his skin was exciting. He was still sound asleep. I stayed awake for another hour before I drifted off. In my dream I was being swallowed by a dragon with a shark’s mouth. The clouds rolled around me. I struggled to get away from the monster. My shoulders were caught and my chest was pressed. The dragon held me in its claws. “I am potent,” it whispered.

I woke. Emperor Hsien Feng was touching me. I had the sensation I felt when I sat on eggs. His hands were cold but his body warm and his movements gentle. He explored.

I wrapped him like a vine around a tree.

He fumbled and his breath grew thick. He seemed to be surprised by his own excitement. One moment he pushed me away, and the next he threw himself back at me.

I tried to recall the steps I had learned from the House of Lotus. But my mind was a stewing pot where my thoughts turned into mushy beans.

“Take it,” he whispered. “Are you ready?”

“Ready… for what, Your Majesty?”

“Don’t disgust me. Stick up your behind. Aren’t you after my seeds?”

“What does His Majesty expect me to say?”

“Say the lines.”

“Lines? What lines? I have… lost the lines. You don’t want to be bored with something you have heard said hundreds of times.”

“Be quiet for my ancestors’ sake!” Hsien Feng pulled himself away.

I looked at him and found him attractive in his nakedness. I’d better enjoy this, I thought, since I’ll never be allowed to see another naked man in my life.

He asked for my thoughts and I reported honestly.

“What a wicked spirit!” he said slowly. “You are calm and unafraid. You look at the Son of Heaven as if he were a tree.”

I decided not to interrupt.

“Look, I am obligated to produce the bloody sheet. Shim is waiting to collect it. He is waiting to pass it on to the household officials for examination and the record book. Then they will wait for the sign of an heir. They will calculate the dates on their fingers. The doctors will be called to stand by, day and night, for a sign of pregnancy.”

His droning explanation somehow aroused me and I became unafraid.

“You come in armies,” he continued. “You don’t care how I feel. You come to fill up my bedroom and rob me of my essence. You selfish, greedy, bloodsucking female wolves!”

“I would enjoy our business.” Words were pushed out of my chest as if by a strange force.

He was astounded. “You… would?”

“I am not afraid to stick up my behind.” My voice demanded me to release it. “I am here to be your lover. I have paid for this moment dearly. It has not only cost me my ruyi and hairpin, but has also taken me from my family.” My tears came and I had no desire to hold them back. “I haven’t allowed myself to miss my mother and my siblings, but I do now, terribly! I haven’t cried despite the fact that I’ve had to spend my days in loneliness, but I do now. I might be selfish, but I am not greedy or a bloodsucking wolf! I am after nobody’s essence, but I am hungry for affection!”

“You…” He came closer and gently pulled me toward him “These are not the official lines. Who prepared the lines for you? You did? Yourself? Do you have more?”

An urge to perform pleasure rose inside me. “Your Majesty, spare me from answering the question. I was thinking… if you like, there are dances I know.”