struggled but was unsuccessful and was dragged out of the room. In the meantime I clearly saw that my body was still on the bed, unmoving.
Also in my dreams I saw red berries prematurely dropping from trees. I could even hear them as they fell-
Day after day I heard the popping sounds in my sleep. I suspected that the berries might have gotten caught between the roof tiles. To comfort me, An-te-hai climbed up a ladder to the roof. He and the other eunuchs checked between the tiles, and again there were no berries.
There continued to be no sign of His Majesty until Nuharoo arrived one morning with a broad smile on her face. I was surprised to see Emperor Hsien Feng behind her.
My lover looked a little awkward but soon composed himself. I couldn’t tell whether he had missed me. I guessed not. He had been raised to have no comprehension of another’s suffering. For him it would be wrong to spend time with only one woman anyway. I wondered if he had been enjoying his women. Had they been taking walks shoulder to shoulder, “carrying the light of the setting sun”? Had His Majesty been wanting to “kiss the flowers in their hands”?
I didn’t care where those women came from. I hated them. Picturing how my lover must have touched them, my tears welled up. “I am well, thank you,” I said to Emperor Hsien Feng, trying to smile. I would never let him know how terrible my pain was.
I didn’t want to tell him that I had refused to go home when I was granted a ten-day leave as a reward for being pregnant. Although I missed my family very much, I wouldn’t be able to hide my feelings if I saw them. My mother’s fragile health would not bear my frustration, and it would be bad for Rong, who had been counting on me to find her a suitor. Rong would be disappointed if I told her that I was no longer the favorite and my way of helping her was limited.
His Majesty was quiet for a while. When he opened his mouth he talked about mosquitoes, how they bedeviled him. He blamed the eunuchs and complained that Doctor Sun Pao-tien had failed to heal an itchy spot below his chin. He didn’t ask after me, and he acted as if my big belly was not there.
“I have been playing a game with my astrologer called the Lost Palaces,” His Majesty said as if to break the silence between us. “It has many traps that will lead you to misjudgment. The master’s advice was that I stay where I am and not bother to find my way until the time is ripe and the key to solving the problem presents itself.”
Would Hsien Feng believe it if I explained to him what Nuharoo had done? It would never work, I concluded. It was public knowledge that when Nuharoo walked in the garden she looked like a drunkard. Actually it was because she was afraid of stepping on ants. When she accidentally did step on them, she apologized. The eunuchs had witnessed this. She had been called “the most tender creature” by our late mother-in-law.
We sat sipping tea while the conversation between His Majesty and Nuharoo went on. In the name of caring for me, Nuharoo proposed that she send me four of her own maids.
“It is to express my appreciation of Lady Yehonala, of my
“My Little Cloud is the best among the four,” Nuharoo said. “I will have difficulty letting her go. But you are my priority. The dynasty’s hope of revival and prosperity rests in your belly.”
Emperor Hsien Feng was pleased. He praised Nuharoo for her kindness, and then he got up to leave. He avoided looking at me as he bid goodbye. “Good health,” he murmured dryly.
I was unable to hide my sadness. My heart kept searching for an acknowledgment of the warmth we had shared. But it was not there. It was as if we had never known each other. I wished that my belly were not in front of my eyes, not protruding like this, not demanding attention and touch. I wished that I could wipe away the memories.
I watched Emperor Hsien Feng and Nuharoo walking away. I wanted to throw myself at my lover’s feet. I wanted to kiss his feet, and I would beg for love.
An-te-hai came to my side and held me tightly. “The berries are ripening, my lady,” he whispered. “They will be ready soon.”
The branches of the cypresses spread downward like giant fans, blocking the light of the moon. That night a storm came. I heard the branches sweeping and scraping the ground. The next morning An-te-hai told me that red berries were everywhere. “They look like blood-stains,” the eunuch said. “They have covered your garden floor, and some are stuck between the roof tiles.”
I received Little Cloud, a small-eyed and fat-cheeked fifteen-year-old maid. Since I was expected to obey the first wife’s wish, I gave Little Cloud a handsome bonus, which the girl returned with a sweet “Thank you.” I told An-te-hai to keep an eye on her. A few days later she was found spying.
“I caught her!” An-te-hai dragged Little Cloud over to my presence. “This cheap slave was peeking into Your Majesty’s letters!”
Little Cloud denied the accusation. When I threatened to beat her if she didn’t confess, she revealed her temper. Her small eyes sank into her fat face as she yelled and called An-te-hai “You tailless animal!” She then went on to insult me. “My lady entered through the Gate of Celestial Purity when she arrived, and you came through a side door!”
I told An-te-hai to drag the maid out and starve her for three meals.
As if enjoying my rage, Little Cloud continued. “You’d better think about whose dog you are kicking! So what if I have been spying on you? You have been reading court documents instead of embroidery patterns! Are you guilty? Are you afraid? Let me tell you, it is too late to think about bribing me, Lady Yehonala. I shall report everything I have seen to my master. I will be rewarded for my loyalty; you will end up limbless and live in a jar.”
“Whip!” I called. “Punish this girl until she shuts up!”
I never meant to have An-te-hai take my words literally. Unfortunately that was what happened. He and the other eunuchs dragged Little Cloud to the Hall of Punishment. They beat Little Cloud and tried every way to silence her, but the girl was too stubborn.
An hour later An-te-hai came to report that Little Cloud was dead.
“You…” I was shocked. “An-te-hai, I didn’t give you the order to beat her to death!”
“But, my lady, she wouldn’t shut up.”
As the head of the Imperial household, Nuharoo summoned me to appear before her. I hoped I had enough strength to endure what lay ahead. I worried about the child inside me.
Before I had finished changing, a group of eunuchs from the Hall of Punishment stormed into my palace. They wouldn’t say who sent them. They arrested my floor eunuchs and maids and searched through my drawers and closets.
“You’d better send me to inform His Majesty immediately.” An-te-hai helped me into my court robe. “They are going to torment you until the ‘dragon seed’ falls out.”
I could feel my insides contracting. Frightened, I held my belly and told An-te-hai to waste no time. He picked up a washbasin and exited through the back chamber, pretending to fetch water.
I heard a voice outside, calling to hurry me to finish dressing. “Her Majesty the Empress is waiting!” I didn’t know whether they were my eunuchs or the people who had come to wreck my palace.
I took as long as I could in order to gain time for An-te-hai. Two of my ladies in waiting came in. One checked my laces and buttons and the other my hair. I stood in front of the mirror and took a last glance. I couldn’t tell whether it was my emotion or my makeup that made me look ill. My robe was embroidered with black and gold orchids. I was thinking that if something should happen to me, I wanted to leave the earth wearing this dress.
I motioned toward the door, and my ladies raised the curtain. As I stepped out into the light, I saw Chief Eunuch Shim standing in the courtyard.
He was formally dressed in a purple robe and matching hat. He didn’t respond to my greeting.
“What’s going on, Chief Shim?” I asked.
“The rule forbids me to speak to you, Lady Yehonala.” He tried to sound humble, but there was hidden elation in his tone. “Please, let me help you into your palanquin.”
A tightness wrapped itself around my neck.
Looking down from her throne, Nuharoo was majestic. I got down on my knees and kowtowed to her. Only
