throne.'
'It has been my pleasure to serve you, Your Majesty.'
I wished that I could invite him to see me again, but I was afraid that I would not be able to keep my word.
We sat and remained quiet.
As etiquette required, Tseng kept his head lowered, his eyes resting on a spot on the floor. The steel clasp of his riding cloak made a clinking noise every time he changed position. He seemed to search for my exact location. I was sure he could not see me even with his eyes wide open. Reaching for his teacup, his hands groped the air. When An-te-hai brought in sweet sesame buns, his elbow almost upset the tray.
'Tseng Kuo-fan, do you remember the first time we met?' I tried to cheer us up.
'Yes, of course.' The man nodded. 'It was fourteen years ago… at the audience with His Majesty Emperor Hsien Feng.'
I raised my voice a bit so I was sure he could hear me. 'You were strong with a stout chest. Your gathered eyebrows made me think that you were mad.'
'Was I?' He smiled. 'I was impatient back then. I wanted to live up to His Majesty's expectations.'
'You did. You have achieved more than anyone could have expected. My husband would be proud. I have already visited his altar to report the news you brought him.'
Tseng lowered his head and began to weep. Glancing up after a time, he peered in my direction, struggling to see. The light in the sitting room was too dim, however, and he again lowered his gaze.
An-te-hai came in to remind us that our time was up.
Tseng collected himself to bid me goodbye.
'Finish your tea,' I said softly.
As he drank, I looked at the silver mountains and ocean waves embroidered on his cloak.
'Would it be all right if I asked my doctor to visit you?'
I asked. 'It would be very kind of Your Majesty.'
'Promise me that you will take care of yourself, Tseng Kuo-fan. I am counting on seeing you again. Soon, I hope.'
'Yes, Your Majesty, Tseng Kuo-fan will do his best.'
I never got to see him again. Tseng Kuo-fan died less than four years later, in 1873.
Looking back, I felt good about honoring the man personally. Tseng opened my eyes to the wider world outside the Forbidden City. He not only made me understand how the Western nations took advantage of their Industrial Revolution and prospered, but also demonstrated that China stood a chance to accomplish great things. Tseng Kuo-fan's last advice to the throne was to build a strong navy. His historic achievement, the triumph over the Taiping rebels, gave me the confidence to pursue such a dream.
6
Since his infancy, Tung Chih had been taught to think that I was his subordinate more than his mother. And now that he was thirteen, I had to be careful what I said to him. Like handling a kite in a capricious wind, I held on to a thin thread. I learned to silence myself whenever tense breezes blew.
One morning soon after my final meeting with General Tseng, An-te-hai requested a moment with me. The eunuch had something important to tell me, and he asked for my forgiveness before opening his mouth.
I said 'rise' several times, but An-te-hai remained on his knees. When I ordered him to come closer, he shuffled toward me on his knees and settled in a spot where I could hear his whisper.
'His Young Majesty has been infected with a terrible disease,' An-te-hai said gravely.
I stood up. 'What are you talking about?'
'My lady, you've got to be strong…' He pulled at my sleeve until I sat back down.
'What is it?' I bounced back up.
'It is… well, he got it from the local brothels.'
For a moment I couldn't register the meaning of his words.
'I was informed about Tung Chih's nightly absences,' An-te-hai continued, 'so I followed him. I am sorry I couldn't bring the information to you sooner.'
'Tung Chih is the master of thousands of concubines,' I snapped. 'He didn't need to…' I stopped, realizing I was being foolish. 'How long has he been visiting the brothels?' I asked, composing myself.
'A few months.' An-te-hai reached out to hold my elbow.
'Which ones?' I asked, shaking.
'Different ones. His Young Majesty was afraid of being recognized, so he avoided those the royals frequent.'
'You mean Tung Chih went to those used by commoners?'
'Yes.'
I couldn't still my imagination.
'Don't let despair take hold of you, my lady!' An-te-hai cried.
'Summon Tung Chih!' I pushed the eunuch away.
'My lady.' An-te-hai threw himself before me. 'There is need to discuss a strategy.'
'There is nothing to discuss.' I raised my hand and pointed to the door. 'I shall confront my son with the truth. It's my duty.'
'My lady!' An-te-hai knocked his forehead on the ground. 'A blacksmith wouldn't hit an iron bar when it is cold. Please, my lady, think again.'
'An-te-hai, if you are afraid of my son, are you not also afraid of me?'
I should have listened to An-te-hai and waited. If I had controlled my emotions, as I had been careful to do in my court, An-te-hai wouldn't have ended up paying for it. I would not have lost both my son and An-te-hai.
Standing in front of me, Tung Chih looked as if he had come out of a pool of water. Sweat glistened on his forehead. Holding a handkerchief, he kept wiping his face and neck. His complexion was blotchy and pimples marked his jaw line. I had thought that his skin condition was due to his age, that his body elements were out of balance. When I asked about the brothels, he denied all. It wasn't until I called in An-te-hai that Tung Chih admitted what he had done.
I asked if he had seen Doctor Sun Pao-tien. Tung Chih replied that there was no need because he didn't feel sick.
'Summon Sun Pao-tien,' I ordered.
My son stared at An-te-hai with narrowing eyes.
It was a mess after Doctor Sun Pao-tien arrived. The more Tung Chih tried to lie, the more the doctor suspected. It would be days before Sun Pao-tien would announce his findings, which I knew would break me.
I sent An-te-hai to search Tung Chih's palace. I canceled the day's audience and looked through my son's belongings. Besides opium, I found books of an illicit nature.
I summoned Tsai-chen, Prince Kung's fifteen-year-old son, Tung Chih's closest companion. I pressured and cajoled Tsai-chen until he confessed that it was he who loaned the books and he who had taken Tung Chih to the brothels. Showing no guilt, Tsai-chen described brothels as 'opera houses' and whores as 'actresses.'
'Summon Prince Kung!' I called.
Prince Kung was shocked no less than I, which made me realize that the situation was worse than I had imagined.
When I forbade Tsai-chen from ever visiting again, Tung Chih was even more upset.
'I'll see you off,' my son said to his friend.
'Tsai-chen will leave with his father!' I told my son. Then I told An-te-hai to block the door so Tung Chih couldn't get out.
'You bunch of dead bodies!' Tung Chih shouted, kicking An-te-hai and the other eunuchs. 'Molds! Poisonous
