needs-“
”But was it?”
”Yes, I suppose so. Not that I imagined that that imbecile-But it suddenly made me see how free you were.”
”But I’m not free, Miles. I’ve never been free. Not since I met you.”
”Lisa, you don’t mean-“
”Yes. I fell in love with you on your wedding day, the day when we first met.”
”Oh my heart-“
”I’m sorry. It’s a relief to tell you. But it’s also-a sort of death warrant. It’s all my fault, Miles. I should never have come to live here. I didn’t imagine you could ever have any interest in me except wanting to talk philosophy. I only came because I thought it inconceivable that I should ever reveal-what I have now revealed.”
”Oh Lisa, do forgive me.”
”Don’t be silly.”
”All these wasted years. Oh my darling-“
”You mustn’t think of it in that way-“
”May I turn the light on?”
”No, no light for heaven’s sake. Diana isn’t awake, is she?”
”No.”
”Miles, it’s wonderful even though it’s death. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would ever be able to touch you like this.”
”Oh Lisa, I can’t express to you-To think that you suffered-And I might never have known-“
”Well, you know now and I shall have to go away.”
”Don’t say that. You are not going away. I won’t let you. Do you want to kill me?”
”Miles, it’s hopeless, don’t you see? Oh God, to have found you like this, to hold you like this, and to know it’s death at the same time-“
”Lisa, don’t, don’t cry, my heart. We must hold this situation because we’ve got to. There is a way. This is only the first moment-“
”It’s practically the last moment, Miles. Do try to face this, my dear. We simply must not delude ourselves. And really for you-This has been something very sudden and odd like a quick storm. The real thing is Diana, all those years of sharing her bed-“
”Lisa, Lisa-“
”You must hang onto reality, Miles. Don’t worry about me. I’m infinitely grateful to you for this, it will be a sort of jewel for my whole life and I shall be a far far richer person. I’m so grateful and glad that you came to me now like this in the night. If you hadn’t come just like this I might never have told you. And I’m so happy that you know, even though it’s absolute pure pain too. But there is nothing more, nothing to do or plan, just this.”
”I don’t understand you, Lisa. I’m not going to listen to you. We’ve both been taken by surprise. We’ve got to think about it.”
”Thinking would be fatal. There must be no thinking. You know where thinking about it would get us.”
”Oh Christ.”
”You do see, Miles.”
”Lisa, I know so little about you.”
”Better so.”
”You say it’s a sudden storm. It’s not really so sudden. Sudden things are prepared for. Do you know what I noticed long ago, that we resemble each other, physically I mean?”
”Yes. I noticed too that we resemble each other. It’s because I’ve thought about you so much.”
”No, it’s because you were made for me. You are the one.”
”No, no, Miles. You are emotional and it is the black night time. You don’t know what you’re saying. What you are saying is blasphemy.”
”Parvati.”
”And Diana.”
”Diana was different. You know Diana was never like this. Nothing has been like this.”
”So you believe now, but-“
”I’d like to talk to you about Parvati. I think I could. I was never able to talk to-anyone else.”
”I’ve thought so much about Parvati. I wanted to see a picture of her only I never liked to ask you.”
”She was pregnant when she was killed.”
”Oh Miles-“
”I never told anyone, even Diana.”
”It still seems very close?”
”Yes. Sometimes as if I’d never really woken up to it yet.
I’d have to go back and make it seem like yesterday but I can’t. It’s a permanent nightmare, not something real. I wrote a long poem about her afterwards.”
”That helped?”
”Yes. It was necessary to-celebrate her death. I don’t know if you understand.”
”Yes, I think so.”
”I sometimes feel, Lisa, as if I never really experienced her death at all. I poeticized it, I made it into something unreal, something beautiful. I had to.”
”We’d all do that to death if we could.”
”Perhaps. But it remains like a kind of barrier, a falseness. I think it prevents me from writing. It’s like a curse. And yet I think it might be too terrible to experience-even now.”
”Perhaps you will experience it-when the time comes.”
”You could help me. I could relive it all with you.”
”No, no, I’m the last person-I mustn’t touch this-That’s another reason-“
”Lisa, you’re the only one I could connect with Parvati-It would give meaning to everything.”
”No. You must do that alone.”
”Lisa, you can’t leave me now that you’ve found me, it isn’t conceivable. We’re intelligent people. We can manage this. Will you promise you won’t go away?”
”No, I can’t promise that, Miles.”
”Well, promise you won’t go away tomorrow?”
”I promise I won’t go away tomorrow.”
”Thank God. We’ll talk it over properly tomorrow. We’ll hold the whole situation, Lisa. We’ve got to.”
”Go now, Miles, please. Diana will wake.”
”All right. Let me kiss you. God, I’ve never kissed you be fore!” For a moment they struggled awkwardly, finding each other’s lips in the black dark.
”Go, go.”
”Sweetheart, don’t betray this, don’t abandon it.”
”Go. please.”
”Promise you’ll try. We’ll both try. We’ll succeed.”
”Go, Miles.”
”Tomorrow, Lisa. Say ‘tomorrow.’ “
”Tomorrow.”
Miles stumbled out of the room. Joy overwhelmed all other feelings. He knelt down on the stairs between the two landings and closed his eyes, giddy and choking with joy.
After a few minutes he tiptoed up and opened the door of his own bedroom.
The curtain had been pulled back and the light from the street lamp faintly illuminated the room. Diana was lying on her back, her arms outside the counterpane extended by her sides. As Miles entered he caught a reflected glint from her open eyes. He approached the bed and looked down at her. Then he put a hand to her cheek. It was wet with tears.
”Hello.”
”Hello.”
