The Sea, the Sea

ever since the start. And then the boy-’

‘No, no-’

‘Well, I was pretty thick about it all, but I just couldn’t credit-’

‘No!’

‘Christ, and when I think of other lucky men with their wives and their families and their simple decent lives and ordinary love and kindness, while here-’

‘We’ve had ordinary love and kindness and-’

‘It’s only been a pretence because we were both tired, it was too exhausting to be honest. We got tired of telling each other the truth about the hellish cage we live in, we had to rest sometimes and pretend things were all right when they weren’t and put up with this sham, this bloody sham you call a marriage. We had to stop stabbing ourselves and each other with the ghastly truth. So now we’re both sunk in lies, your lies, they’re everywhere like a stinking bog, we’re drowning in them. And, Jesus, I thought it might be better when we got away, when we got away to the sea, I thought at least I’d have a garden, I thought-But then lo and behold he’s here! That’s funny, isn’t it?’

‘Oh, darling, don’t-You do like it here, you did like it here-’

‘Well, don’t say that to me now, do you want me to spit in your face? We just pretended to be nice quiet people-’

‘You didn’t pretend much.’

‘Don’t start that again.’

‘Well then, don’t you.’

‘You’d better be careful. Another thing I’ve got against you is that you’ve made me into such a-you’ve made me so bad-oh Christ, why can’t we get out? If only you’d tell the truth for once. I just want to know where I am. Why did that man come here, to this village, here to this very place?’

‘You keep asking the same questions again and again. I don’t know. I didn’t want him here-’

‘Liar. How often have you seen him?’

‘Just that one time.’

‘Liar. I actually saw you with him twice. And God knows how many more times you’ve been with him. Why do you lie to me so stupidly? And you put him up to calling round here.’

‘I didn’t!’

‘Well, you’re not going to see him again.’

‘I don’t want to!’

‘It’s the past, the past, the bloody past-there’s never been anything for us, everything’s spoilt, you’ve spoilt everything, you and your-’

‘Darling, dear dear Binkie, don’t-’

‘And don’t call me pet names, it’s a mockery-’

‘Can’t you just try to be kind to me, to pity me, just try-?’

‘Why can’t you try! Oh God, how can you have been so cruel-’

‘I’m not cruel. You’re mad, you’re MAD-’

‘Don’t scream at me, I’ve had enough screaming. You’ve screamed your way through life, and now we’re nearly at the end of it. God, I wish mine had ended. That’s what you’ve been praying for I expect, that I’ll have a heart attack. Then you can go off with-’

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-’

‘Just stop saying that, will you, I’m so tired of it, it means nothing, that parrot cry. Oh God, I’m so tired. It’s all spoilt. It never even got started, because of you. And then that unspeakable deception, and I took it-’

‘There was no deception-!’

‘Oh shut up. I know we’ve said all this a million times before, we’re like clockwork dolls-but, Christ, I’m thinking it all the time, I’ve got to say it now and then! I even accepted that lie because there seemed to be nothing else to do, and I just bloody wanted to be happy, well, not happy, I know that was impossible, but at least I wanted some peace in my rotten failed life and just to rest a bit, but oh no! You wouldn’t even let me rest-’

‘That’s not true-’

‘Be careful, be careful. I thought I hadn’t any alternative but to put up with you and your lies-God, I must have been crazy-I ought to have cleared off and left you with-’

‘No-!’

‘You’d have cheered. And now he turns up as bold as brass and comes and rings my door bell! You must have enjoyed arranging that.’

‘Don’t say what you don’t think.’

‘I do think it, what else can I think? I can see when you’re lying. Do you think you can take me in? Where have you hidden his letters, eh? Where?’

‘There aren’t any letters.’

‘Because you destroyed them. Oh, you’re clever! But listen-I say listen-’

‘I am listening.’

‘Your little plan isn’t going to work.’

‘What little plan?’

‘You want me to say “All right, clear out, I don’t care where you go.” You want to torment me into letting you go. That’s it, isn’t it?’

‘No.’

‘Take that bloody look off your face or I’ll-Well, it’s not going to be like that, see? I’m not going to let you go, I’m never going to let you go. See? You can stay here and look after me even if we never say another bloody word to each other. See? Even if I have to chain you up-’

‘Forgive me, please, forgive me, don’t be so angry, I can’t bear it, stop being angry, it hurts so much, you frighten me so much-’

‘Oh do stop crying, I’m so fed up with your tears. Why did he come here, what’s it all about, that’s what I want to know, Christ, can’t you tell me the truth at last, I’m tired of living in a bad dream and pretending it’s all right. All this bloody house we took so much trouble with, the bloody furniture, the garden, those fucking roses, pretence, pretence, pretence, I’d like to smash it all to pieces. Why can’t you tell me the truth? Why has he turned up here, what does it mean?’

‘Please, you’re hurting me, please, please, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry-’

‘What does it mean?’

‘Oh stop, I’m so sorry-’

I have written this out as I remember it, with the repetitions. I have not attempted to describe, and will not now, the tones of voice, his strident shout, her whining tearful apologies. I shall never forget it. The eavesdropper had indeed got what he came for.

I wanted to go away much sooner, but I was paralysed, partly by horror, partly by a physical cramp, since I had sat down in an awkward uncomfortable position and had not dared to move since. At last I rolled over and crawled away down the wet shorn moon-grey lawn. I got stiffly to my feet, got clear of the garden, and began to run down the footpath into the face of the sinking moon. I ran most of the way home. I drank some whisky and took a sleeping pill and went to bed and rushed headlong into sleep. I dreamt I found a new secret room at Shruff End, and a woman lying dead in it.

The next day I was like a madman. I rambled, almost ran, round the house, round the lawn, over the rocks, over the causeway, up to the tower. I ran about like a frenzied animal in a cage which batters itself painfully against the bars, executing the same pitiful leaps and turns again and again. There was a golden mist, gradually clearing, it would be a hot day. I looked with amazement on my familiar swimming places, and on the gentle crafty lapping of the calm sea against the yellow rocks. I ran back to the kitchen, but could not even make myself a cup of tea. ‘What am I to do, oh what am I to do?’ I kept saying to myself out loud. And the strange thing was that although I had received, full and complete and running over, exactly the evidence which I wanted, I seemed to be distracted with grief and fear and a kind of nausea now that I had it.