“Maybe it is.”
“You don’t know shit, Terry.”
“I know they’re doing roadwork out on Vets Highway, and if you send a crew down there they’ll get snagged in traffic and get scooped up.”
He gave a disgusted laugh. “You went through my stuff. I should’ve known. If anyone could find a second safe, it would be you. That’s why you’re in the garage. That’s why you decided to play it this way. You thieves, you think you’ve got a God-given right to stick your nose up everyone’s ass.”
“You’re a thief too, Chub.”
“No, I’m not.”
Maybe he was right. You could look at it that he was just a guy who aided others in pulling their scores, without really getting his hands too dirty. The cops would still give him at least a nickel upstate.
“You’ve got no reason to keep playing the game, Chub.”
“Who the hell do you think you are? What I do is my business.”
“You don’t need the extra cash.”
“You don’t know anything, Terrier. I have my reasons.”
“Unless you’re going to tell me that your little girl has a rare blood disease, then you don’t.”
Chub was on me in a second. He shoved me hard against the wall. He pinned me there with one hand locked on my throat and the other on my right wrist. I didn’t struggle. Sweat dappled his balcidd head.
He said, “You know where I work. You must know where I live. You’ve seen my daughter. You’ve been watching us, haven’t you?” I didn’t confirm or deny. He paused, his face mottled with rage. “Did you know your old man cased my house a few months ago? I woke up and found him talking with Kimmy. Said he was checking up on her. At three in the morning. After breaking in to my house. I should’ve pressed charges and sent him to the joint, but I felt sorry for him. He looked lost.” Chub tightened his grip on me. I started to gag but I still didn’t fight him. “So what happens? You do the same thing to me. Just where the fuck do you people get off?”
I choked out, “It’s time to change.”
It sounded stupid and overwrought even to me. It got another ugly laugh out of him. “You’re telling me that? You? First thing you do when you get back home is fall to type. Just like your brother and uncles and father. You couldn’t wait to break in here, could you? I bet this isn’t even the first time. You’ve been here before, haven’t you?”
“Chub, I-”
He didn’t let it go, his voice tight and hard. “Haven’t you?”
“Listen to me.”
“Haven’t you, Terrier?”
“Yes.”
He backed away from me and wrapped his arms around his chest as if to hold in his frustration and hate.
“Listen to me,” I said. “Forget about that.”
“You have a kid. I don’t. Think about Scooter.”
“Your girls. Think about your girls. Chub, don’t wreck your life. Don’t you know how easy it is to lose everything? Take it from me.”
His eyes were full of rage and disappointment. He was so hurt and appalled that he couldn’t even look at me anymore.
“Take what from you, Terry?” he asked. “Why don’t you explain? What life lessons have you learned since you abandoned Kimmy? Since you left her to go through the most difficult time of her life all alone? Since you vanished without a word. Guide me with your newfound wisdom. What else do you have to tell me?”
There was nothing else to tell him, nothing further that I could elaborate on or account for. There was no way for me to articulate the all-consuming panic of being trapped in the underneath. The pure crystalline clarity of the terror that had made me run.
I said, “Don’t make my mistakes.” I knew exactly what my brother had meant about making ghosts. It hadn’t been that difficult to figure out. I had understood without wanting to face it.
The night of his spree he was compounding all the failures of his life, sustaining the sins, building the deeper, awful memories that he would carry to the grave with him. The underneath had welcomed him and he’d gone to it. That was the result of all that blood. He had taken his own life without putting a bullet in his head. I said, “Don’t get caught, Chub,” and left.
29
Just as I was about to pull into the parking lot of the Elbow Room, my phone rang. It was Eve. I answered and was surprised at how much I looked forward to hearing her voice.
“It’s late,” I said. “I didn’t think I’d hear from you tonight.”
“I work late,” she said. “And talking to contacts on the night shift is the best time to get honest answers from them. They’re bored. They’re just hoping to find an ear they can bend. So I did some digging into your friend Gilmore. He’s under IAD investigation.”
That didn’t surprise me. “For anything in particular?”
“They think he’s tipped off some mob boys about police raids.”
“He has. Anything about his wife? They recently separated. Anything like a restraining order? Abuse?”
Eve paused. I knew she was still wondering how this tied in with my brother, with me. “No, nothing like that, Terry. It appears to be amicable. Neither of them has filed for divorce. Maybe they’re working it out.”
“Anything else? Anything worse?”
“What do you mean by worse?”
“You tell me.”
I could hear her lick her lips. The sound heated me up a little. “You’re worrying me now.”
“Don’t be. I’m probably wasting my time. And yours.”
“Well, there was nothing I could find, and I dug around pretty well. I could pull in some favors, if you like, but that might get me onto Gilmore’s radar. Do you care about that?”
“Yeah, I do. You’ve done enough, Eve. Don’t put any more into this.”
“What were you hoping to find?”
“I wouldn’t say I was hoping to find anything. Thanks, Eve.”
Her voice hardened, but not much. No one liked to pull favors for a one-night stand. “Of course. You can pay me back with dinner sometime.”
I said, “I promise,” and I meant it.
I walked into the Elbow Room and found Flo perched at the bar in the same place as the last time I’d been there. She had lipstick on her teeth and still smelled of Four Roses. She was chatting up a john who stared at her like she was every woman in the world he’d ever hated, from his mother to his first girlfriend to his wife. She didn’t seem to notice his brooding, intense glare. I wondered, Is this the place every guy comes to right before he goes out of his skull and butchers a helpless stranger?
I stepped over to her and snapped a fifty in front of her face. I nodded to an empty corner in back. She whispered a few cooing words to the john, but he didn’t seem to notice. She followed me and put her hand on my ass.
“Hey, honey,” she said, “you got a car in the lot? You look so melancholy, just pining for the one who got away, huh? You won’t even remember her name after me. Let’s go to your car and-”
I turned and she breathed whiskey into my face. “You remember me?”
She didn’t ye201›t. She smiled and placed her hands on my chest and tried to take the money from my grip while humming empty promises. I gripped her by the shoulders and gave her a solid shake. Her expression
