“Yeah? How do you take a step back?”
“You keep yourself just a little removed, you know? I mean, sleep with ’em. Marry ’em if you have to. Just don’t hand over your heart on a silver platter.”
“So you never gave Michelle your heart?”
“Hell, no. She’d have killed me a long time ago.”
Jared watched Lily say something to Keith that made his smile fade.
Good.
Then Keith shook his head, said something else, and Lily touched his cheek and walked away.
Jared liked the look of that even better.
Keith walked away, too, and the knot in Jared’s insides loosened slightly so that he could let out a deep breath. He hadn’t felt so tense since…since he’d been sitting in the hospital staring in shock at the doctor whose mouth was forming the word cancer.
Crazy. Crazy that he felt so strong so soon.
Lily, at her tent, turned, and unerringly, across all the yards that separated them, found and locked her gaze on Jared’s.
Neither of them moved for a long beat, and then finally she crawled into her tent, which she firmly zipped closed.
Jack let out a breath. “Some tension there, huh?”
“Yeah.”
Lily’s tent shook a little as she moved around in there. Jared pictured her stripping down for bed-an image not helped by the fact he’d had his hands on her now, and wanted them on her again. “You know,” he said to Jack. “I think there might be something to opening up and letting a woman in. Really in.”
“Sure,” Jack explained. “It’s called certain death.”
“Not every time.”
“Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the time, then.”
Jared shook his head, still looking at Lily’s tent. It’d gone still. What was she doing now? “Might be worth the risk.” He had to think it was. He hadn’t been to hell and back to live life the way he’d used to. There had to be more than that, he believed it with every single ounce of heart and soul he had. “Because when you get it right, there’s nothing like it.”
“Yeah?” Jack looked at him curiously. “And has it ever been right for you?”
“Not yet.”
“I rest my case.”
“I’m not giving up.”
Jack shook his head. “You’re in for a world of pain, dude. Seriously.”
“It’s worth the risk.”
“How do you know?”
“Because without it, why bother at all?”
Jack cocked his head to the side as he absorbed that, looking thoughtful now, instead of all-knowing. “To avoid the pain?”
“But one of these days, when it’s right, there won’t be pain. And then you’ll have it all.” Jared shrugged. “I just think it’s worth the try, that’s all.”
“Huh.” Jack looked at the tent he shared with Michelle. “Yeah, maybe.” Standing, he brushed off his hands. “See you in the morning.”
Jared watched him vanish into his tent and wished he had the right to be heading toward Lily’s with that same intent and purpose. Instead, he headed toward his own. Always, he’d been fine with only himself for company, but now, tonight, as he looked at his empty sleeping bag, he felt lonely.
The hell with this. The hell with not having the right, or being polite and letting her mull things over. The hell with being lonely.
The hell with all of it, and he stepped back out of his tent. The campfire was out, everyone was inside their tents. In the dark night, he headed directly for Lily’s. Lightly, he tapped on the canvas door. “Lily?”
No answer.
Hunkering down, he tugged open the zipper enough to stick his head in. “Lily, I-”
But the words caught in his throat, because the tent was empty. He checked the water’s edge, checked the entire clearing, and a little bit into the woods.
Nothing.
Then he looked across the lake and saw a movement. She was sitting on the edge of the water, hugging her knees, staring up at the sky.
It took him a while to figure out how to get to her, but he found the trail that led around and came up behind her.
But before he could speak, she stood up and faced him. “Look, here’s the thing. I…don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Lily.”
“I’m serious. I don’t.”
“You seem like you know. You’re an incredible guide, Lily.”
“I meant with you. I…don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to you.”
“Well that’s okay. We can wing it.”
“I came here to find myself. Pre-mistake Lily. Pre-weak Lily. But the thing is, I’m beginning to see I’m never going to live up to that person. I’m not the same anymore. I’m not strong, and there’s so much I can’t do.”
“You’re being a little harsh on yourself.”
“Just being real.”
“So…what, you think that’s going to scare me off? Knowing you have doubts and fears like the rest of us humans? I know who you are, Lily, and who you aren’t. Now give yourself a moment, you just had an epiphany.”
“I’m okay,” she whispered. “I don’t need-”
“I know.” But he pulled her close anyway, and to his surprise, she wrapped her arms around him.
“You see me,” she whispered. “You, Jared, the city guy, the business guy, the sophisticated, elegant digital wizard…who’d have thought you could see me?”
He smiled against her hair and held on. Once all of those things, and maybe a small part of him still was.
“But you’re also more,” she whispered, and if she hadn’t worked her way into his heart yet, she did in that very second for understanding him. “So much more, Jared.”
He let his mouth brush her temple, then lower, just beneath her ear, and in response, she let out a long shuddery sigh that went through him like an erotic touch. “You’re so much more, too, Lily.”
She paused at that, as if unfamiliar with the concept. Gliding his hands into her hair, he tugged her head back so that he could get a good look at her mouth, which he wanted on his. “And here’s another thought.”
“You’re going to kiss me?”
“Oh yeah, but first I want you to know something.”
Her eyes went wary. “What?”
He put his finger to her silky soft lips. “I think you’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.”
Her soft exhale warmed his finger, and when she finally smiled, it also warmed his heart. “You’re also a little bit stubborn,” he added, “in case no one’s ever mentioned.”
“Uh-huh.” Her smile hit her eyes. “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“How about that you’re sexy as hell?”
She stared at him for a long moment. “I need a moment away from here, where I’m not in charge, where I don’t have to think. Do you think you can manage any of that?”
She trusted him to take over, to lead, even if only for a little while. “I’m certain I can.”
10
