Wicked Break

bottom. I cut back to the top and snapped the nose of the board through the lip of the wave, grunting as I twisted my body with more force than usual. The ocean spray freckled my face. The nose whipped back toward the bottom and bounced on the last breath of the wave as it closed out and dissolved into the ocean.

I went back out several more times, pushing my body harder through the water than it was used to. Anger and frustration fueled my muscles and I wanted my body to feel tired, sore, and empty.

I trudged out of the water an hour later, salt sticking to my arms and face, mission accomplished.

A familiar face slowed me as I came up the sand.

“Started to wonder if you were gonna stay out there all night,” Liz said, sitting on the wall that surrounded my patio.

She was the last person I expected to see, but I wasn’t disappointed. I crossed the boardwalk and leaned my board against the wall. “Thought about it.”

She wore a black T-shirt, faded jeans. Her hair was pulled back away from her face, mirrored sunglasses resting atop her head. Her blue eyes looked gray beneath the overcast sky. A thick brown folder was next to her.

I sat down on the wall next to her and pushed the wet hair off my forehead. “Needed the exercise.”

“It looked like more than exercise to me.”

I watched the water, the waves getting smaller as the tide pulled the evening in. “Did it?”

I felt her shrug next to me.

“What do I know?” she said. “I don’t surf and you’ve never offered to teach me.”

I looked at her surprised at her interest. She’d never mentioned it in all the years I’d known her. “Is that a request?”

She met my gaze. “Maybe.”

We stared at each other for a moment, then I laughed and looked away.

“John said you had a tough day,” she said.

A small spark dissipated inside me as I realized she wasn’t just there to say hello. “Wasn’t the best.”

Purple and orange strands punched through the gray marine layer and tickled the horizon as the sun hit the edge of the water.

I glanced at her. “That why you’re here? Wellton wondering if I was okay?”

“John asked me to take a look at some of the paperwork,” she said, dodging the question. “I just did some quick nosing around. You knew that the Pluto father was involved in this National Nation crap, right?”

“Yes.”

“Did you know that the main suspects in his murder were gang members?”

“No.”

“Nobody was charged, but two witnesses gave descriptions that matched a couple of bangers, low-level guys. Turns out they were known associates of Wizard Matellion. They had alibis, but the case notes indicated they were soft. Since Anthony Pluto wasn’t an upstanding citizen, no one really gave a shit and the case dead-ended.” She pushed the brown folder in my direction. “I didn’t have time to read through the whole case file, but I thought you might find that interesting. Keep it for as long as you need it.”

Liz had found a solid connection between Linc, the skinheads, and the gang, and that gave me encouragement. There were still some gaps that needed to be filled in, but she had tightened some of the gaping holes and I hoped that reading through the file might allow me to do the same.

“Thanks,” I said, placing my hand on the file. “But you didn’t answer my question.”

She thought about that, her expression indicating that she was measuring her response.

“John thought I’d want to know that you had a rough one,” she said finally. “He knew I’d want to know. And I wanted to make sure you were alright.”

We sat there silently, watching the water go flat as the strands of sunlight evaporated slowly. I didn’t know how to address what she had said. There was meaning in it, meaning that we never seemed to be able to clarify between us. We danced around both our feelings for each other and our differences with each other, finding it easier to argue and dodge and avoid rather than actually deal with those things.

I was tired of the dance.

Liz stood. “Six months. You never called.”

I leaned forward, my forearms on my knees, nodding.

“Yeah, I was royally pissed at you,” she said. “So I understand why you might have stayed away at first. But you never even called me. Never came to see me. We had that fight at the hospital and that was it-you didn’t even try to work things out. It was like our relationship didn’t even matter to you. What was I supposed to think?”

I stayed quiet.

“Now we’re running into each other again and…I don’t know.” She paused. “I hate saying it, but I’ve missed you. And everything you’ve said and done in the last few days-the way you reacted to seeing me with Mike, the junior high put-downs-even if it was all stupid and inappropriate and irritating, tells me you feel the same way.”

“I do,” I said.

“And I want to believe that, Noah,” she said. “I do. Except that it seems like I’m the one that’s always making the overtures here. And it makes everything feel one-sided.”

“Yeah, but six months ago it was one-sided,” I said. “You walked away from me. You made the decision. Not me.”

“Because you, once again, did something utterly stupid that nearly got you killed.” She paused. “That scared me. And it angered me because you were only thinking of yourself. Not us.”

The conversation we were having now was the same one we should’ve had the day after the argument-and could’ve if I’d been adult enough to see that then. Liz had thrown her emotions on the table and I hadn’t bothered to take a look. Or do the same.

“You caught me off guard with Mike,” I said. “I wasn’t expecting any of that.”

“I know that. And none of it was meant to piss you off. He asked me out. I said yes.”

“I know. But it hurt. Seeing you with someone else.” I looked at her. “I don’t want to see you with any guy but me.”

She pointed at me. “That’s what I’m looking for. Statements like that. Actions that back that up. That’s what I need.”

I stared at the concrete boardwalk, the sand scattered around my wet footprints. I wanted to remove myself from all this crap and focus on Liz, be where I wanted to be with the person I wanted to be with. Let everything else fall away and make things right.

But a small part of me knew I couldn’t leave the past few days behind. Any attempt at a relationship with Liz would be halfhearted until I could put it all behind me. Permanently. And Lonnie and Mo weren’t going to go away just because I wanted them to.

I stood, the grains of sand rough between my bare feet and the concrete. Liz had given me an opportunity. She told me what she needed from me and it was up to me to follow through. If I didn’t, I had no one to blame but myself.

“Okay. It’s on me, then. It’ll change.” I pointed at the file. “I’m gonna finish this. Soon. And then it’s just me and you. I promise.”

Her eyes searched my face, maybe attempting to see if there was anything but sincerity in my words.

I knew there was nothing else for her to find.

“Okay,” she said. She walked toward me, touching my arm lightly as she went by.

I watched her walk down the boardwalk toward the roller coaster, turn left at the corner, and disappear, leaving me with all the incentive I needed.

Thirty-six

After Liz left, I paged through the file she had given me. It confirmed all of what she had told me, but didn’t