LATER, when I was at the window again, Sarah turned to me and whispered, 'Why didn't you check to see if he was alive?'
I could tell from her voice that she was on the edge of tears.
'If he lives...,' she said.
'Shhh.' I glanced toward the door.
We watched each other for a moment, in silence. Then I turned back to the window.
JUST before three o'clock, a new doctor appeared. It was as if he'd snuck up on us; neither Sarah nor I heard him approach, he simply materialized in the doorway. He was tall and thin and good looking, with short gray hair and a white lab coat. Underneath his coat, he was wearing a red tie -- bright red -- and it made me think of blood.
'My name's Dr. Reed,' he said.
He had a firm handshake, quick and tight, like a snake striking. He spoke rapidly, as if he were afraid he might be called off at any moment and wanted to get his say in before this happened.
'Your brother's regained consciousness.'
I felt a surge of heat rush up my neck and into my face. I didn't look at Sarah.
'He's incoherent,' the doctor said, 'but he's calling your name.'
I followed him out of the room, leaving Sarah sitting there with the baby. We walked down the hallway at a brisk clip. The doctor had long, efficient strides, and I had to break into a jog to keep up. We went to the elevators. Just as we arrived, one of them opened its doors for us, as if by magic. Dr. Reed pushed the fifth-floor button, a chime rang, and the doors slid shut.
'He's speaking?' I asked, slightly out of breath. I felt suspicious saying it and looked away.
The doctor was watching the numbers above the door. He held his clipboard clasped behind him in his hands. 'Not really,' he said. 'He's drifting in and out of consciousness. All we've picked up is your name.'
I closed my eyes.
'Normally I wouldn't let you in to see him,' he said. 'But to be frank, it may be your last chance.'
The doors slid back, and we stepped out onto the fifth floor. The lighting was dimmer here. A group of nurses were whispering together behind a big counter right across from the elevators, and they glanced up when we appeared, looking at the doctor, not at me. I could hear soft beeping sounds coming from somewhere behind them.
Dr. Reed went over and spoke to one of them; then he came back and took me by the elbow, leading me quickly down the hall to the left. We passed several open doorways, but I didn't look inside them. I could tell which room was Jacob's. It was at the very end of the corridor, on the left-hand side. Carl Jenkins was standing outside it, talking to the deputy with the farm boy's face. They both nodded to me as the doctor led me inside.
My brother was lying in a bed just beyond the doorway. He looked huge beneath the covers, like a dead bear, but at the same time somehow depleted, as if he'd been drained and what was left now was merely his husk. His body was perfectly still. There were tubes everywhere, draped over the bed rail, trailing out haphazardly across the floor. Jacob was stuck full of them, like a puppet on a set of strings.
I went up to the bed.
There was an orderly on the other side, a very short, dark-haired young man, working at the tubing. He ignored my presence. A large boxlike machine with a tiny yellow video screen sat on a cart behind him, beeping steadily.
The room was large, a long rectangle, and had several other beds in it, hidden behind white curtains. I couldn't tell if they were occupied.
The orderly was wearing translucent rubber gloves. Through them, I could just make out the hair on the backs of his hands, black and wirelike, and pressed down close to the skin.
Dr. Reed stood at the foot of the bed.
'You can only stay a minute,' he said. Then he turned to the orderly, and they whispered back and forth. While they talked, the doctor scribbled on his clipboard.
Holding my breath, I took my brother by the hand. It was cold, heavy, damp, like a hunk of meat. It didn't seem to belong to Jacob anymore. It was revolting. I had to grip it tightly to keep myself from throwing it away.
His eyes flickered at the pressure. When they opened a second later, they fell right on me. Then they didn't move at all. A set of tubes was stuck up his nose. His face was absolutely bloodless, so pale it seemed transparent. I could see the veins in his temples. His forehead was beaded with sweat.
He stared at me for a second, and then his lips moved, as if by reflex, into a smile. It wasn't Jacob's normal smile, it was unlike any I'd ever seen before. His lips stretched out straight across to either side of his face, so that he looked like a dog baring his teeth. His eyes didn't move at all.
'I'm here, Jacob,' I whispered. 'I'm right here.'
He tried to respond but couldn't. He made a harsh, gasping sound at the back of his throat, and the machine's beeping increased its tempo. The doctor and the orderly glanced up from their discussion. Jacob shut his eyes. The beeping gradually slowed back down.
I continued to hold his hand for another minute or so, until the doctor asked me to leave.
DR. REED remained in the room with the orderly, so I made my way back to the elevator unaccompanied. Carl was at the opposite end of the hallway now, talking with a nurse. The farm boy had disappeared.
As I stepped into the elevator, I saw, out of the corner of my eye, Carl turn from the nurse and start to walk quickly toward me. Without thinking, I pressed the door-closed button. It was more from a simple desire to be alone than from any fear of him, but as soon as I did it, I recognized what it might look like -- a guilty man's attempt to escape further interrogation. I jabbed my finger at the door-open button. It was too late, though; the elevator was already sliding slowly down its shaft.
When the doors opened again, I stepped out and turned to the left. I'd gone about ten feet before I realized that I was in the wrong place. In my hurry to avoid Carl, I'd pressed the third-floor button, rather than the second. It was the maternity ward; I recognized it from my visits to Sarah. I spun around, but by the time I returned to the bank of elevators, the one I'd arrived on had already shut its doors and disappeared.
There was a nurse's station directly across from the elevators, a long L-shaped counter, painted bright orange, just like the one on Jacob's floor. Three nurses were seated behind it. I'd seen them look up when I'd gotten off the elevator, and I could feel them staring at me now. I stood with my back to them, wondering if they knew who I was, if they'd seen me on TV or heard about me through the hospital's rumor mill. 'That's the man whose brother was shot last night,' I imagined them whispering, while they eyed me for signs of grief.
Somewhere down to the left a baby was crying.
The elevator on the right emitted its electric chime, and the doors slid open. Inside was Carl Jenkins. I blushed when I saw him but forced my voice to sound calm.
'Hello, Carl,' I said, stepping forward.
He beamed at me. 'What're you doing down here, Hank? You have another baby on me?'
I returned his smile, pressing the button for the second floor. The doors slid shut. 'Got so used to visiting Sarah, I punched the wrong button out of habit.'
He laughed, short and soft, a polite chuckle. Then his face turned serious. 'I'm real sorry about all this,' he said. He was holding his hat in his hands, playing with the brim, and he stared down at it while he talked.
'I know,' I said.
'If there's anything I can do...'
'That's awful kind of you, Carl.'
The chime rang, the doors parted. We were at the second floor. I stepped outside. Carl held the doors open with his arm. 'He say anything to you while you were in there?'
'Jacob?'
Carl nodded.
