“I don't see why she can't, if she's careful,” Tanya said thoughtfully. “I'm sure other people do. She can't completely isolate herself, it's not healthy. Oh, God, I can't believe this,” Tanya muttered, and they both blew their noses in unison, just as Hartley and Gordon walked toward them, leading their horses. They almost walked right into them, and both men saw immediately that they'd been crying, and wondered what had happened.
“What happened?” Hartley asked. He had been very worried when Mary Stuart had told him they couldn't ride that morning. And Gordon was terrified that Tanya had come to her senses and was now afraid to face him. But it was obvious now that something much worse had happened to them. And at first neither woman answered.
“Are you all right?” Gordon asked Tanya cautiously. She looked as though someone close to her had died. It wasn't that bad, but it would be, someday. This was just the introduction.
“I'm okay,” Tanya whispered, brushing his hand with her fingers, and he felt an electric current run through him. “How's your friend?” Tanya didn't answer, and she saw that Mary Stuart was talking to Hartley and crying again. She knew Mary Stuart was too discreet to break her promise to Zoe and tell him Zoe had AIDS, but Tanya suspected she might say she had cancer, which was what the three of them had agreed to tell Hartley and Gordon. And Tanya chose to do the same thing with Gordon. He felt terrible when he heard, and he could see easily how close they were. “I've known her since I was eighteen. That's twenty-six years,” she said miserably, and he wished he could put an arm around her shoulders, but he didn't dare. He was working.
“It sure doesn't look it,” he said, and she smiled at him.
“Thanks. I'm probably ten years older than you are,” she said. “Officially, I'm thirty-six, in case it matters. But I'm really forty-four.”
He laughed at the complications. “Well, I'm really forty-two, and I'm really a wrangler, and I'm really from Texas, and I was starting to panic. I figured you'd woken up and come to your senses and never wanted to see me again or something.” He had been in a total state all morning, and could hardly pay attention to Hartley. Fortunately, no one else had ridden with them.
“I was up at six o'clock to get ready to see you. I couldn't sleep I was so excited. It's like being fourteen years old and falling in love for the first time.” It was like when she had fallen in love with Bobby Joe in eighth grade, only more so. “It was all I could think of all night… and then, this morning, everything went crazy. She was so sick, and I called the doctor. And he sat with her for hours, and then she told us.”
“Is she going to be all right? For now, I mean. Should she be in a hospital?”
“He doesn't think so,” Tanya explained, “unless she gets worse here. But she wants to go home and go right back to her practice.”
“She's an amazing woman.” And then he looked down at her, suffering for her friend, even before she lost her. The thought of it almost killed her, and it reminded her of Ellie. That had been so heartbreaking for all of them. And Zoe would be even worse when it happened.
“You're an amazing woman too,” he said gently. “I've never known anyone like you. I never expected you to be so real. I thought you were going to be the fanciest woman I ever met, instead you're the most human, the most down-to-earth, the plainest.” It wasn't an insult, but a compliment, and she knew that. “Do you think you can still get away on Sunday?”
“I'll try. I want to see how she is first,” but she also knew that it would be their only chance to be together. He worked every other day of the week, and the following Sunday, when he'd be off again, they were leaving.
“Is this real, Tanny?” he asked her suddenly, as they stood there, under the oak trees. He wanted it to be, he wanted to believe it was everything he thought it was, but he was desperately afraid that she was just some fabulous movie star who had come up from Hollywood, was going to play a little bit and forget him. But that didn't seem like her. He didn't even dare say it.
“It's real,” she whispered softly. “I don't know how it happened, or when,” she smiled then, “you annoyed the hell out of me when you wouldn't talk to me on Monday. Maybe that's when it happened. But whenever it did, I've never known anything like this. It's real, Gordon, believe me,” she said softly, and she looked as bowled over as he did.
“I didn't talk to you because I was afraid to, and then you didn't turn out to be the way I thought, and I just couldn't help it. I just wanted to ride around those hills with you forever.”
“What are we going to do now?” She wanted to see him and talk to him and spend time with him, and see what they had here, but she didn't want to cost him his job and get him into trouble.
“Can I come back and talk to you tonight?” he asked softly so no one would hear them, and she nodded, and raised her eyes to his with a small smile.
“We'll ride tomorrow. I think this afternoon we'll stay with Zoe, unless she's sleeping or something. I want to check on her again after lunch. What about tomorrow night? Will you come and teach me the two-step? The brochure says the wranglers will teach us, and I'd like to hold you to it.” In spite of their horrendous morning, she was teasing him, and he loved it. His eyes were as full of love and excitement as hers were. It was just a shame they couldn't really indulge it. But this had its high points too, it was tender and secret. “Will you teach me, Mr. Washbaugh?”
“Yes, ma'am. I'll be there.” It was one event he was expected to attend, and he intended to take full advantage of it. “And on Saturday, I'm in the rodeo again.”
“I'll be there,” she whispered.
“Are you going to sing again?”
“Maybe.” She smiled. “It was fun.” But it had also scared them both a little. “I'll see what the crowd looks like.”
“You looked great on that palomino.” She would have loved to ride off on it with him. “And Sunday is ours, and we'll see how next week goes.”
“That sounds pretty good.” She smiled at him, this was very new for both of them, and more than a little scary. They wandered back to Hartley and Mary Stuart then, and as he left them, Gordon brushed his hand against hers, and it tied her stomach in a knot being so close to him, and not being able to do anything about it. She was dying to kiss him.
“How was your ride?” she asked Hartley, and he looked sympathetic.
“A lot nicer than your morning. Mary Stuart was just telling me about Zoe. Pancreatic cancer is an awful thing. I had a cousin who died of it in Boston.” Tanya nodded, grateful to know her friend's story. “I'm so sorry.”
“Me too,” Tanya said, and exchanged a glance with Mary Stuart. “She could go on for quite a while apparently, but eventually there might be complications.” It was complicated lying, but he was nodding agreement.
“That's exactly what happened to my cousin. All you can do is make her as comfortable as possible, let her do what she wants, and be there if she needs you.” His saying that reminded Tanya that she had forgotten to tell Gordon she was taking Zoe's baby eventually. She wanted him to know, for a variety of reasons. And she wanted to see his reaction. She couldn't believe that she was actually testing the waters for a future with him after three days, but if it was even a remote possibility for some later date, she wanted to know how he would react to a number of things, and one of them was Zoe's baby.
Hartley walked them up to lunch, and the three of them talked endlessly about Zoe, her health, her career, her clinic, her child, her future, her brilliant mind, her enormous devotion to mankind. They went on endlessly about her, and the subject of their admiration and sympathy was sitting in her bedroom, thinking. She knew she had to call Sam, but she was stalling about it. She needed to ask him if he'd cover for her for a few more days, but she was afraid he'd hear something more in her voice, and she wanted to keep it from him. But while she sat mulling over what to do, and whether she should just leave a message for him, the phone rang, and it was providence, because Sam was calling her to ask her advice about a patient. She needed a major change in medication, and Sam wanted to be sure he was doing what Zoe wanted. He was actually surprised to find her in her room, he was planning to leave a message, but thought he'd check first, just in case she was there for a minute.
“I'm glad I caught you,” he said, sounding pleased and then asked her the question, and she gave him the answer. She was happy that he'd asked, so many other people didn't give the primary physician that courtesy to make the decision.
“I really appreciate your asking me,” she told him. It was why she liked having him cover for her instead of other people. Other relief doctors had screwed up many of her patients while she was gone, and never even bothered to tell her.
“Thanks for saying that,” he said. He sounded busy and happy, and he said he was taking a rare lunch break. “You don't get fat around here, I'll say that much. I haven't run this hard since med school.” In the past he had
