I shrugged. 'If you fellows really want to talk seriously, I'll tell you something. Do you?'
'You'll find out how serious we are before we finish with you.'
'Okay. First, if you think you can scare me by threats about basements you're too dumb for a mother's tears. Com- mon sense is against it, the probabilities are against it, and I'm against it. Second, the comedy. You asked for it by start- ing it, yesterday afternoon. You have no judgment. It's per- fectly true that there are people who can be opened up by making faces at them and talking loud, but if I was one of them how long do you think I'd last as Nero Wolfe's favorite employee, eating with him at his table? Look at me, anyhow! Can't you tell one kind of mug from another kind? Third, the situation we're in. It's so simple I understand it myself. You think I have knowledge which is your legal property because you're cops working on a murder, and I say I haven't. Under those circumstances, what can I do? I can keep my mouth shut. What can you do? You can arrest me and put me under bond to appear on demand. Finally, when you've gath- ered up everything you can find and put it in order, you can.either pin something on me, like obstruction of justice or accessory or perjury if I've been under oath, or any of that crap, or you can't. I return for a moment to your objection to my comedy. You deserved it because you've acted like a pair of comics yourselves.'
I turned my palms up. 'Were any of the words too long for you?'
Barrow sat down and looked at Waddell. The District At- torney said, 'We don't think you have knowledge of facts, we know you have. And that's no comedy. Will you give them to us?'
'Nothing to give.'
'Do you know your jeopardy? Have you had legal advice?'
'I don't need it. Didn't you hear my lecture? Find a lawyer that can beat it.'
'You mentioned a bond. If you apply for release on bail, I'll oppose it. If your application is granted, it will be as high as I can make it.'
'That's jake. Don't start worrying your little head about that on top of all your other troubles. I don't believe a rustic judge can look me in the eye and hold me without bail. The amount is a matter of indifference. My sister's father is a rich sewer tycoon.'
'Your father? Where?'
'I said my sister's father. My family connections are none of your business, and besides, they're too complicated for you to understand. He is also occasionally my mother's father, on account of the fact that on the telephone last night my sister was my mother. But he isn't my father because I've never met him.'
Barrow's head was twisted with his eyes fixed on me search- ingly. 'By God, I don't know,' he said in a tone of doubtful surprise. 'Maybe we ought to have Doc Sackett examine you.'
Waddell disagreed. 'It would cost 5 dollars and it's not worth it. Put him back in.the cooler. If he's starting any trou- ble down there with this C. C. P. U. stuff, tell Oilie to put him in solitary. Tell Oilie he'd better investigate-'
The door popped open and Nero Wolfe walked in.
He looked neat and rested, with a clean yellow shirt on and the brown tie with tan stripes which Constanza Berin had sent him from Paris, but his shoes hadn't been shined. My glance took in those details as he crossed the room to us with his cus- tomary unhurried waddle. I scratched my leg furiously.
He stopped in front of me and demanded, 'What are you doing? What's the matter?'
'Nothing. I itch.'
'Look at your coat. Look at your trousers. Did you sleep in them?'
'What do you think I slept in, silken raiment? I'm glad you stopped in, it's nice to see you. We've been chatting. They're just sending me back to the you know. Did you hear from my mother? She's stricken.'
He muttered, 'Pfui,' turned from me and looked at the other two and said good morning, and cast his eyes around. Then he took a step toward Barrow and said in his best man- ner, 'Excuse me. Captain, but you have the only chair that is endurable for me. I'm sure you wouldn't mind changing,' Barrow opened his mouth, but shut it again and got up and moved.
Wolfe nodded thanks, sat down, and directed a composed gaze at the district attorney. 'You're a hard man to catch, sir,' he observed. 'I spent hours last evening trying to find you. I even suspect I was being evaded.'
'I was busy.'
'Indeed. To any effect?'
Barrow growled. Waddell leaned forward again with his fist on his desk. 'Look here, Wolfe,' he said in a nasty tone. 'I've concluded you're no better than a waste of time, and probably worse. Thinking over what you told me about your talk with Bronson, what does it add up to? Zero. You were stringing me. You talk about evading! For the present I've only got one thing for you: a piece of advice. Either instruct your man here to open up and spill it, or do so yourself.'
Wolfe sighed. 'You're in a huff. Yesterday Captain Barrow, now you. You gentlemen are extraordinarily touchy.'
'I'm touchy enough to know when I'm being strung. I don't enjoy it. And you're making a mistake when you figure that with Fred Osgood behind you, you can get away with any- thing you want to. Osgood may have owned this county once, but not any more, and he may be headed for a disagreeable surprise himself.'
'I know.' Wolfe was mild, and look resigned. 'It's incredi- ble, but judging from rumors that have reached Mr. Osgood you are actually entertaining a theory that Bronson killed his son, and the killing of Bronson was an eye for an eye. Mr. Waddell, that is infantile. It is so obviously infantile that I refuse to expound it for you. And your suggestion that I rely on Mr. Osgood's position and influence to protect me from penalties I have incurred is equally infantile. If I palaver with you at all-'
'You don't need to,' Waddell snapped. 'Peddle it some- where else.' Abruptly he stood up. 'For two
