That was the way I'd planned it.
Lennie was going to get a story for Myra, all right, but it would be a lot nastier than he figured on.
'Nick-' Rose opened the door. 'What-where have you been, anyway? Why didn't you come out last-'
'Later.' I squeezed inside and closed the door. I kissed her, keeping her mouth closed until I knew she was ready to listen. 'I couldn't come any sooner, honey, because I been workin' on a plan. It's a way to get rid of Myra and Lennie, and I've already taken the first step an' now I'm goin' to need your help. So here! am, askin' for it. You don't want to give it, you just say so and we'll just forget all about gettin' rid of 'em and go on like we been doin'.'
'But, by-what-' She was willing but confused, puzzled. I'd talked fast, acting excited and running my words together, and I had her nodding even while she was frowning and wondering what the heck it was all about.
'Well, forget it,' I said, turning toward the door. 'Just forget I asked, Rose, an' I'm sorry I troubled you.'
'No, wait! Wait, honey!' She grabbed onto me. 'I just wondered what-why-but I'll do it, honey! You just tell me what it is!'
'I want you to wait a couple of minutes,' I said. 'Then, I want you to go outside and grab Lennie an'-'
'Lennie!' She let out a frightened gasp. 'D-Did he-'
'He followed me out here. I egged him into doin' it, because that's part of the plan. So you grab him and haul him inside, and then you tell him what I tell you to.'
I told her what to say, the gist of it, that is. She turned pale, hookin' at me like I'd gone out of my mind.
'N-Nick! That's-that's crazy! I couldn't-'
'Sure, it's crazy,' I said. 'It's got to be crazy, don't you see?'
'But… oh,' she said, and her eyes narrowed a little. 'Yeah, I can see how it might-but, Nick, honey, what about the rest? How does-'
'There ain't time to tell you, now,' I said. 'You just go on an' take care of Lennie, an' I'll explain everything afterwards.'
I turned and went into the bedroom, seeming to take it for granted, you know, that she'd do what I told her to.
She stayed where she was for a moment, fidgeting uncertainly. Frowning and maybe a little frightened. She took a step toward the bedroom, on the point, it looked like, of calling out to me. Then she suddenly faced back around, crossed to the door, and went outside.
Dimly, I heard running sounds. The fast scuffle of footsteps on the hard-packed clay of the yard. I heard a holler as she grabbed hold of Lennie, and I heard him burbling and giggling as she dragged him into the house. Tickled pink with himself, but just a mite scared along with it.
They came into the kitchen. I stood back out of sight, watching and listening.
'All right,' Rose said, her eyes pure poison as she hooked at him. 'What were you doing sneaking around here?'
Lennie giggled and smirked, putting his hands over his mouth, lattice-hike. Then, he said me an' Rose was really going to catch it.
'You just wait, I'm gonna tell Myra on you! I seen him! I seen oh' smarty Nick! He come sneaking out here so's you 'n' him could do somethin' nasty!'
'You mean screwing?' Rose said. 'What's nasty about screwing?'
'Ooh!' Lennie pointed a shaky finger at her, his eyes popped as big as saucers. 'Now, you done it! You're really gonna catch it now! I tell Myra you-'
'What's the matter?' Rose said. 'You screw Myra all the time, and don't tell me you don't, you stupid-hooking jackass! That's what makes you goofy, banging her so much. You've tossed it to her so often you've thrown your ass out of line with your eyeballs!'
I almost busted out laughing.
That Rose! There just wasn't no one like her, goddang it! In less than a minute, now, she'd got Lennie so mixed up that he couldn't have found his butt if it'd had a bell on it.
He pointed his finger at her again, shaking all over. Rubbing his eyes with his other hand as he started to blubber.
'I
'The hell you didn't! You're not her brother, you're her boy friend! That's what she keeps you around for, to diddle her fiddle. Because you're how-hung and she's high-strung!'
'It a-ain't n-neither! I
'Don't lie to me, you liver-lipped bastard!' Rose shook her fist in his face. 'I've seen you pouring it on her! I climbed up one of those ladders the painters are using and peeked in the window, and goddam, you were pounding it like a drum. The way you were banging the bunghole, you damned near fell in!'
Well, god-dang. It was better than a circus. And it just went to show what a fella could do when he really put his mind to it.
Here you take a common everyday thing like fornication, which, like the fella says, can be a pretty fleeting pleasure. But if you can just take the idea of it, you know, and start tossing it around amongst the right people, or the wrong ones, dependin' on your viewpoint, why then you can get something pretty god-dang unusual. Something like what was going on here.
A heck of a lot of laughs-plus the means of getting some people to get rid of themselves, when there ain't no way for you to get rid of them.
'I'm g-gonna tell M-Myra!' Lennie blubbered. 'I'll tell jus' what you said about her, every dirty m- mean word an'-'
'Cow's ass?' said Rose, like she was sayin' 'How's that?' and, 'Suck which?' Like she was sayin' 'Says which?' 'You and Myra better stop playing tickle the pickle, boy, before you bat your brains out with your balls.'
'I'm gonna tell Myra!' Lennie bawled, stumbling toward the door. 'You're gonna get it!'
'Tell her she may be a hole, but you're no post,' Rose said. 'Tell her you'll tickle her ass if she'll whistle 'Old Black Joe'.'
She gave Lennie a shove. It knocked him clean out the door and off the porch, and he landed sprawling in the yard.
He picked himself up, blubbering and rubbing his eyes. Rose gave him a final cussing, accusing him and Myra of a whole blast of dirty things. It kind of made me wince to listen to her, it was that dirty. What she'd said before sounded downright complimentary by comparison.
She came back in, slamming the door. I gave her a hug, and told her she'd done just fine.
'Now, are you beginnin' to get the picture?' I said. 'Lennie never leaves town. He's not only too danged lazy to do any real walkin', but he's scared to get very far off by himself. Myra knows this. She knows he'd be just about as likely to flap his arms and fly as he would to come way out here to your place. So what happens when he goes home and tells Myra he has been out here?'
Rose said, 'Mmm,' nodding her head slowly. 'She probably won't believe him, right? But what-'
'She won't believe him,' I said. 'Leastways, she'll have some awful strong doubts he's telling the truth. Then, he tells her all the dirty things you said about her, about her and Lennie sleepin' together and so on. And how can she believe that? How can she believe that her very best friend, a perfect lady, would all of a sudden start talking dirty about her?'
