Mary Poppins Opens the Door

With a start the King looked up from his page. For the Cat was sitting on the desk before him.

'Kindly be careful!' the King said crossly. 'You're right on my latest facts. They deal with a very important question. Do turkeys really come from Tlirkey and if not, why? Well, what do you want? Speak up! Don't mumble.'

'I want to have a look at you,' the Cat said calmly.

'Oho! You do, do you? Well, a Cat may look at a King, they say! And I've no objection. Go ahead!'

The King leaned backwards in his chair and turned his face from left to right so the Cat could see both sides.

The Cat gazed thoughtfully at the King.

There was a long pause.

The Cat was sitting on the desk before him

'Well?' said the King, with a tolerant smile. 'And what do you think of me, may I ask?'

'Not much,' said the Cat casually, licking its right front paw.

'What?' cried the King. 'Not much, indeed! My poor ignorant animal, you are evidently not aware which King you are looking at!'

'All kings are pretty much alike,' said the Cat.

'Nothing of the kind,' the King said angrily. 'I defy you to name a single king that knows as much as I do. Why, professors come from the ends of the earth to consult with me for half an hour. My court is composed of the Very Best People. Jack-the-Giant-Killer digs my garden. My flocks are tended by no less a person than Bo-Peep. And all my pies contain Four-and-Twenty Blackbirds. Not much to look at, forsooth! And who are you, I'd like to know, to speak to a King like that!'

'Oh, just a cat,' the Cat replied. 'Four legs and a tail and a couple of whiskers.'

'I can see that for myself!' snapped the King. 'It doesn't matter to me what you look like. What I care about is, how much do you know?'

'Oh, everything,' the Cat said calmly, as it licked the tip of its tail.

'What!' The King burst out with an angry splutter. 'Well, of all the vain, conceited creatures! I've a jolly good mind to chop off your head.'

'So you shall,' said the Cat. 'But all in good time.'

'Everything! Why, you preposterous animal! There's no one alive — not even myself — who could be as wise as that!'

'With the single exception of cats,' said the Cat. 'All cats, I assure you, know everything!'

'Very well,' growled the King. 'But you've got to prove it. If you're so clever I shall ask you three questions. And then we shall see what we'll see.'

He smiled a supercilious smile. If the wretched Cat insisted on boasting, it would have to take the consequences!

'Now,' he said, leaning back in his chair and putting his fingers together. 'My first question is—'

'One moment, please!' the Cat said calmly. 'I cannot undertake to answer your questions until we have settled the terms. No cat would do anything so foolish. I am prepared to make a bargain with you. And these are my conditions. It is agreed between us that you shall ask me three questions. After that, it is only fair that I should question you. And whichever one of us wins the contest shall have command of your kingdom.'

The courtiers dropped their pens in surprise. The King's eyes goggled with astonishment.

But he swallowed the words that sprang to his mouth and gave a disdainful laugh.

'Very well,' he said haughtily. 'It's a great waste of time and you, not I, will be the one to regret it. But I accept your bargain.'

'Then take off your crown,' commanded the Cat, 'and lay it on the table between us.'

The King tore the crown from his tattered head and the jewels flashed in the sunlight.

'Let's get this nonsense over and done with! I have to go on with my work,' he said crossly. 'Are you ready? Well, here is my first question. If you laid them carefully, end to end, how many six-foot men would it take to go right round the Equator?'

'That's easy,' the Cat replied, with a smile. 'You simply divide the length by six.'

'Aha!' cried the King with a crafty look. 'That's all very well — but what is the length?'

'Any length you like,' the Cat said airily. 'It doesn't really exist, you know. The Equator is purely an imaginary line.'

The King's face darkened with disapproval.

'Well,' he said sulkily, 'tell me this. What is the difference between an Elephant and a Railway Porter?'

'No difference at all,' said the Cat at once. 'Because they both carry trunks.'

'But — but — but — but—' the King protested. 'These are not the answers I expected. You really must try to be more serious.'

'I can't help what you expected,' said the Cat. 'These are the proper replies to your questions, as any cat will tell you.'

The King made an angry click with his tongue.

'This nonsense is getting beyond a joke! It's a farce! It's nothing but twiddle-twaddle. Well, here is my third question — ijvou can answer it.'

You could see by the smile on the King's face that this time he thought he had the Cat exactly where he wanted it.

He held up a pompous hand and began.

'If a dozen men, working eight hours a day, had to dig a hole ten-and-a-half miles deep — how long would it be, including Sundays, before they put down their spades?'

The King's eyes shone with a cunning sparkle. He gazed at the Cat with a look of triumph. But the Cat had its answer ready.

'Two seconds,' it said quickly, with a little flick of its tail.

'Two seconds! Are you mad? The answer's in years!' The King rubbed his hands together with glee at the thought of the Cat's mistake.

'I repeat,' said the Cat. 'It would take them two seconds. To dig such a hole would be utterly foolish. 'Ten miles deep?' they would say. 'Why, what on earth for?''

'That isn't the point,' the King said angrily.

'But every question must have a point. A point is exactly what questions are for. And now,' said the Cat, 'it's my turn, I believe!'

The King gave an angry shrug of his shoulders.

'Well, be quick. You've wasted enough of my time!'

'My questions are short and very simple,' the Cat assured him. 'A cat could solve them in a flick of the whisker. Let us hope that a King will be equally clever. Now, here is my first. How high is the sky?'

The King gave a grunt of satisfaction. This was exactly the kind of question he liked, and he smiled a knowing smile.

'Well, of course,' he began, 'it all depends. If you measured it from a level plain it would be one height. From the top of a mountain another. And after taking this into account, we should have to determine the latitude and longitude, the amplitude, magnitude and multitude, not forgetting the atmospherics, mathematics, acrobatics and hysterics; and the general depressions, expressions, impressions and confessions, together with—'

'Excuse me,' interrupted the Cat. 'But that is not the answer. TVy again, please. How high is the sky?'

The King's eyes popped with angry astonishment. Nobody had ever dared to interrupt him before.

'The sky,' he bellowed, 'is — er — it's—. Well, of course I can't tell you in so many yards. Neither could anyone else, I assure you. It is probably—'

'I want an exact reply,' said the Cat. He glanced from the King to the gaping courtiers. 'Has anyone here, in this hall of learning, the answer to my question?'

Nervously glancing at the King, the Prime Minister raised a trembling hand.

'I have always supposed,' he murmured shyly, 'that the sky was just a little higher than the Eagle flies. I'm an old man, of course, and I'm probably wrong—'