Secretly More

“Fine, fine.” Ferney took a long, unladylike pull on her beer. “Let’s talk about how happy I am that I won’t have to see Dane diving headfirst into my refrigerator anymore or hear his eight hundred cell phone alarms go off before he drags his lazy ass out of bed.”

Kimber gave a grunt of indifference although she privately agreed with her sister regarding those particular grievances. However, to hear Ferney gripe about the same things made Kimber defensive. As far as she was concerned, Ferney didn’t have the right to complain. She hadn’t earned it.

“You should be glad to be rid of him,” Ferney continued. “I’m excited at the prospect of his downfall once he realizes no one but you will ever put up with his immature shit again. That’ll be such an awesomely rude wake-up call.” She clapped with glee. “That’s what he gets for not showing up at your college graduation all those years ago.”

“He couldn’t find where it was.” Was the excuse really as thin as it sounded?

“Pff. Right. There were only signs all over campus pointing to the football field. He’s totally full of crap. Think of all the times he’s blown you off or stood you up. He’s a selfish prick, and he has no right to be so preoccupied with himself when he’s such a suck-fest. He does nothing but play in that loser band and work at that loser car wash.”

Kimber curled up on the futon and groaned. “Thanks. I feel much better about life now.”

“You’re welcome.” Ferney reached over and patted her sister on the shoulder. “Don’t you worry. We’ll find you a real man. I’ve got my feelers out.”

“Can’t wait to see what you come up with,” Kimber said, her voice thick with sarcasm.

Ferney’s eyes glittered. “Me neither.”

* * *

“Hey, slugger.” Jay arrived at the casino bar at the end of Kimber’s shift the following day and slid onto an empty stool. “Almost ready to go?”

“Almost.” Kimber held up a finger as she backed through the door marked Employees Only. “Let me just punch out.”

“All right.” Jay plunged his hand into a bowl of mints on the counter and helped himself. “I’ll be waiting.”

I’ll be waiting. The casual promise rolled around in Kimber’s head as she gathered her things until her entire body ached with the sadness she’d suppressed all day. When had Dane ever waited for her? Jay went out of his way for her thousands of times through the years, most recently leaving work only to drive the same seventeen-mile round trip to pick her up a few hours later because her car was in the shop. Dane-the boy she’d given everything to-could never have been bothered with such gestures. Everything had always been such a struggle. Why? How could a love she’d poured so much faith and hope into turn out so wrong?

Jay rose from the stool as she staggered from the back room, clutching her purse and jacket like she feared they’d be stolen. “What happened?”

“I-I broke up with Dane.”

Surprise flared in Jay’s eyes. “What, just now?”

“No, last night. After you left.”

His bewildered expression gave way to something unrecognizable. “Is this for real or one of those we’ll- probably-be-back-together-in-two-days things?”

“It’s for real.” She gritted her teeth in the effort to stay strong but her vision blurred with tears she hadn’t been able to cry all day. “It has to be.”

Jay slung an arm around her and guided her toward the door. “Come on. Let’s go for a drive.”

His kindness dissolved her, and as they left the casino and crossed the crowded parking lot toward the Monte Carlo, she couldn’t prevent her sobs any longer. “I’m sorry, I think it’s just finally dawning on me,” she said between hiccups.

“That’s okay.” He opened her car door and waited until she collapsed inside before closing it, then slid behind the wheel. “You guys were together for a long time and it was a big decision. You’re allowed to be sad, but things’ll get easier. Better, too.”

“Blah, blah.” Kimber wiped her cheeks as he started the car. “The standard bullshit pep talk friends say in such circumstances, right?”

“Right, but it’s still true.” He drummed his fingers on the wheel and stared out the windshield as if deep in thought, then brightened. “I know where we can go.”

“Yeah? Where?”

“This park where my dad used to bring me and my brothers when we were kids.” He negotiated the car out of the parking lot and onto the main highway. “It was when my mom moved out and the divorce wasn’t finalized yet. My dad was depressed and went to the park to get some perspective.” He smiled. “I guess it worked. Now when I visit him and my stepmom in Vegas he’s always urging me to get laid and calling me a fucking pussy when I don’t talk to girls.”

“Awesome.” Kimber reclined in her seat. “I can’t wait to follow in your dad’s footsteps. Then I’ll flip through those Vegas hooker magazines, pick an escort, and call up some sex god to do me on my lunch break.”

“Right. And it all starts with the park. My dad said it helped bring him peace when he had a broken heart. Maybe it’ll do the same for you.”

They cruised the nearly empty highway weaving through the Pennsylvania mountainside, the sinking sun flickering through the trees flanking the pavement. Kimber rolled down her window, letting a rush of air inside the car, and Jay did the same. Her ears filled with the roar of wind, the deafening noise providing a welcome distraction from the dark thoughts crowding her head and blackening her heart.

They turned off the highway onto a desolate route, and a few moments later the Monte Carlo slowed in front of a dirt-and-gravel lot surrounded by tall grass. Jay parked the car between the only other two vehicles present-a red flat-bed truck and a gold Malibu-and raised his chin at Kimber as he got out, signaling her to follow. She trailed him as he led the way to a nearby path worn down over time by countless feet and surveyed the area. To the left was a steep tiered knoll backed by a thicket of trees, and to the right stretched a stream with a designated swimming hole. Beyond lay a field, in the middle of which stood a slanting, splintering barn. Kimber relaxed, the quiet, unfamiliar setting erasing some of her stress.

Jay glanced her way and gave a half smile. “Nice, right?”

“Yeah.” She squinted into the setting sun, burning bright in the horizon. “Where’d your dad ever find this place? It’s so removed from reality here.” She smiled. “I sort of feel like we’re running away from home.”

“We are.” Jay gestured to their surroundings as the path led into the woods. “Didn’t I tell you? We live here now.”

“No way. I’m not cut out for roughing it in the wilderness.”

“You’re underestimating yourself.”

“You’re underestimating the likelihood of me getting eaten by a bear.”

Jay laughed. “No bears are going to eat you. You worry too much.”

“Maybe I do.” Kimber’s thoughts crept back to Dane as she picked up a fallen branch and swiped at a passing tree trunk with it. “Maybe I get worked up over nothing. You think?”

“Where are you going with this?” Jay’s voice held a note of suspicion.

“Just thinking. I mean, isn’t it possible that Dane really isn’t so bad? Maybe my expectations are just too high.”

“It sounds like you’re what’s high. Are you being serious?”

“Listen. Dane is who he is.”

“And you hate who he is.”

“No, I just haven’t learned to accept him as he is.” She chucked her stick aside. “I wanted him to fit the ideal boyfriend mold I have in my head, but maybe that’s not realistic.”

“What does the ideal boyfriend do, call you? Take you out? Want to spend time with you? Find a way to make things better when he fucks it up? Make you feel like you matter?”

She shrugged, feeling as weak as her collapsing argument. “Well, yeah, of course.”

“And you didn’t get any of that from Dane at all. Do you realize that even the dumbest fucking people in the world know how to show the ones they care about that they, in fact, care? It isn’t hard and it isn’t an