Better Places to Go

CANDACE. Maxine, think of something.

MAXINE. There’s nothing we can do, Candace.

CANDACE. (Directed mostly at Ricardo:) Do you know what kind of a day I’ve had? I woke up late. My cat puked all over my shoes. My roommate decided to bring a criminal home with her last night and the guy stole her virginity (Beat.) and my laptop. The landlord forgot to inform me that they were shutting off the water in my building to do some repair work. So, I had to boil bottles of Aquafina and wash my hair in the sink. A necklace my grandmother gave me fell down the drain and is probably lying at the bottom of Lake Michigan right now. I decided to try my wedding dress on to make sure all of the alterations had been done properly. I went downstairs to ask my dope-dealing neighbor for her opinion and I got locked out of my apartment. Not one single stingy person would loan me a change of clothes or a cell phone, so I took the “L” train to Maxine’s house — in my wedding dress and my cat-puke-covered-satin-pumps. Of course Maxine had nothing in my size and for once in my life, there was no time to go shopping. So I had to spend half the day looking like Glenda the Good Witch. I didn’t get a manicure so my hands look like I’ve been clawing my way out of Attica. My hair feels like Crisco because my hairdresser decided to try a new product on me and I swear to you, it smells like furniture polish. We missed the plane from Chicago and once we finally got on a plane, they rerouted us to Topeka because of some storm but I don’t see any rain, do you?! My own mother is refusing to talk to me because I wouldn’t allow my slutty sister to be in my wedding. My father has been missing for three days and we suspect he’s joined a religious cult in Arkansas. My fiance thinks I’m a fat cow, an alcoholic, a drug addict and a chain smoker. And right now, all I want to do is be un-conscious!

RICARDO. (After a beat:) I can top that.

CANDACE. (Accepting the challenge:) Go for it.

RICARDO. My co-worker was murdered here tonight. (Beat.) She was stabbed to death right there. Although I never told her so, she was the only woman I would’ve married. No one seems to care she’s gone, except for me. To most people she was a cold-hearted bitch (Beat.) and she was. She was just as screwed up as I am and that’s why I liked her. The woman who killed her — she was shot to death in front of the grocery store she worked in, trying to break in to return money she’d stolen. The whole thing happened over a man who is long gone and will probably never be heard from again. My sister is a vegetable, living on machines in a hospital my family can’t afford to keep her in. It’s my fault because I was driving the car and I took my eyes off of the road to tell her she was stupid and she flew, head first through the windshield. My best friend is waiting for me down at the bus station and he’s probably on the brink of suicide right now, because I was supposed to be there over a half an hour ago. I chickened out and I hate myself for it. He’s in love with me and I’m scared if I love him back, that will make me less of a man. (Beat.) I hope you’ll forgive me, princess…because frankly, my dear, I don’t give a fuck. (He exits to the kitchen.)

CANDACE. (After a beat:) My God, Maxine, what have you gotten us into?

MAXINE. Me? What did I do?

CANDACE. You were supposed to help me with my wedding. Everything is ruined.

MAXINE. And it’s my fault?

CANDACE. Why else would I be standing at the scene of a crime? You’re always getting us into these situations. Ever since we were little. Did you hear that guy? Someone was killed here.

MAXINE. (Angry:) Yeah, I heard him.

CANDACE. And that doesn’t freak you out in the least bit?

MAXINE. Normally, I would be. But after the day I’ve had.

CANDACE. You’re not the one getting married.

MAXINE. (Hostile:) That’s right, Candace. I’m not.

CANDACE. You know what Peter is like. He’ll blame all of this on me.

MAXINE. What are you going to do?

CANDACE. I’ll tell him the truth. I’ll tell him it was your fault. You’re the one who forgot to call me this morning and wake me up.

MAXINE. I forgot to set my alarm.

CANDACE. Why were you up so late? I mean, the night before such an important day like this.

MAXINE. I was studying. I have finals next week.

CANDACE. When is this school thing of yours going to be over?

MAXINE. I graduate in June. Remember? I’m thinking about grad school.

CANDACE. Why bother? I’m so glad I’m getting married. I hate school.

MAXINE. Is that why you’re getting married?

CANDACE. What’s that supposed to mean?

MAXINE. You had straight A’s since the first grade. And you never even studied.

CANDACE. Teachers have always liked me, Maxine.

MAXINE. Yeah, but I’ve had to study my ass off.

CANDACE. Well, for a girl like you, education is probably the best choice.

MAXINE. (After a beat:) What do you mean, a girl like me?

CANDACE. You’ve never really been into guys very much.

MAXINE. Don’t you mean guys have never really been into me? Go on, Candace, say it.

CANDACE. Say what? Jesus, Maxine, I’m tired.

MAXINE. So am I. I’m tired of being your scapegoat.

CANDACE. Can we talk about this later? You need to find us a place to stay tonight.

MAXINE. Find your own place. I’m out of here.

CANDACE. Have you lost your mind?! You’re going to leave me here?

MAXINE. I don’t care if I have to hitchhike. I don’t care if I have to go down on the limo driver to bum a ride to a motel. As long as I can get away from you. Girls like me. You really are something, Candace. I bust my ass for you, day after day, year after year and you are so inconsiderate. You know something? The limo driver was right. You are a bitch. And for your information, I hate this dress.

CANDACE. I have no idea where all of this hostility is coming from, but I won’t stand for it. This is still my wedding night. You’re supposed to be my best friend and all I’m getting from you is a headache.

MAXINE. It’s always about you. Well, I’m sick of it. I’ve put up with this crap from you since I was six. I won’t take it anymore.

CANDACE. Then leave! If you can’t stand by me when I need you the most, then you aren’t the person I thought you were.

MAXINE. You don’t even love him.

CANDACE. Of course I do!

MAXINE. Well, he doesn’t love you.

CANDACE. (Beat.) No, probably not. But we’re both young and successful and we want the same thing out of life.

MAXINE. And what’s that, a marriage of convenience?

CANDACE. Like you even know anything about relationships. You haven’t had a decent boyfriend since high school and even then you managed to screw things up, Little Miss Virgin.

MAXINE. And you don’t have a bone of decency in your body. I used to think so. I used to convince myself that everything really was my fault. I was a bad friend. I was a big, fat disappointment and if I didn’t get my act together, you wouldn’t be my friend anymore. Like that was some great reward. Being your friend is like living in a cold, dark place and I hate it. I’ve lived in your shadow for as long as I can remember.

CANDACE. No one forced you to. If I make you so miserable, then why did you come? Why did you agree to be my Maid of Honor?

MAXINE. Because I wanted to stop you.

CANDACE. Stop me?

MAXINE. I made sure we missed that plane, Candace. I gave the limo driver a hundred bucks to take a wrong turn. I did it on purpose.

CANDACE. Why would you do something like that? Are you jealous, is that it?

MAXINE. You’d like to think so.