Published by Ballantine Books
ONE
TOM SAGAN GRIPPED THE GUN. HE’D THOUGHT about this moment for the past year, debating the pros and cons, finally deciding that one pro out-weighed all cons.
He simply did not want to live any longer.
He’d once been an investigative reporter for the
The congressman went to prison.
Sagan received his third Pulitzer nomination.
There were twenty-one awarded categories. One was for distinguished investigative reporting by an individual or team, reported as a single newspaper article or a series. Winners received a certificate, $10,000, and the ability to add three precious words—Pulitzer Prize winner—to their name.
He won his.
But they took it back.
Which seemed the story of his life.
Everything had been taken back.
His career, his reputation, his credibility, even his self-respect. In the end he came to see himself as a failure in each of his roles—reporter, husband, father, son. A few weeks ago he’d charted that spiral on a pad, identifying that it all started when he was twenty-five, fresh out of the University of Florida, top third in his class, with a journalism degree.
And his father disowned him.
Abiram Sagan had been unrelenting.
And that he had.
On that same pad he’d jotted down the highs and lows that came after. His rise from a news assistant to staff reporter to senior international correspondent. The awards. Accolades. The respect from his peers. How had one observer described his style?
Then, his divorce.
The estrangement from his only child. Poor investment decisions. Even poorer life decisions.
Finally, his firing.
Eight years ago.
And since then—nothing.
Most of his friends had abandoned him, but that was as much his fault as theirs. As his depression deepened, he’d withdrawn into himself. Amazingly, he hadn’t turned to alcohol or drugs, but neither had ever appealed to him. Self-pity was his intoxicant.
He stared around at the house’s interior. He’d decided to die here, in his parents’ home. Fitting, in some morbid way. Thick layers of dust and a musty smell evidenced the three years the rooms had sat empty. He’d kept the utilities on, paid the meager taxes, and had the lawn tended just enough so the neighbors wouldn’t complain. Earlier, he’d noticed that the sprawling mulberry tree out front needed trimming and the picket fence painting. But he’d long ignored both chores, as he had the entire interior of the house, keeping it exactly as he’d found it, visiting only a few times.
He hated it here.
Too many ghosts.
He walked the rooms, conjuring a few childhood memories. In the kitchen he could still see jars of his mother’s fruit and jam that once lined the windowsill. He should write a note, explain himself, blame somebody or something. But to whom? And for what? Nobody would believe him if he told them the truth.
And would anyone care when he was gone?
Certainly not his daughter. He’d not spoken to her in two years. His literary agent? Maybe. She’d made a lot of money off him. Ghostwriting novels paid bigtime. What had one critic said at the time of his downfall?
Asshole.
But he’d actually taken the advice.
He wondered—how does one explain taking his own life? It’s, by definition, an irrational act, which, by definition, defies rational explanation. Hopefully, somebody would bury him. He had plenty of money in the bank, more than enough for a respectable funeral.
What would it be like to be dead?
Are you aware? Can you hear? See? Smell? Or is it simply an eternal blackness? No thoughts. No feeling.
