want to.
Fighting against something that I deeply wanted, yet trying to make myself believe that I didn’t need it, had brought me to a level that made me hate myself. The only way to find me again was to find her, but I couldn't be sure that she would want anything to do with me. Not with me completely cutting her off and distancing myself from her, and now this newfound information concerning Castillo. I had to get back to her and straighten everything out-- if I hadn't lost her already.
'Riley, I need some privacy.'
He handed me my phone, apparently having read my mind.
I took it from him, thankful and apologetic, but not saying a word. When he was out of the room, and the door closed, I skipped the text message and called her. I needed to get everything out with her.
Not surprisingly, she didn’t answer. I tried her number again and again, but it just rang and went to voicemail.
As badly as I wanted to speak to her, I needed to get my side out, so I settled on a text.
Me: I know you know all about Castillo. I can't apologize enough. It was a mistake, and I am feeling it. You were on my mind all night, so I tried to drown you out with alcohol and her. Fuck, Cassie. I'm fucking sorry. Call me.
I sat on my bed, waiting for my phone to buzz with a response, but I didn't get one. Karma hit me as I sat, my heart racing, my hands sweating, hoping I would get a reply from her. In all of my anxiety, it humbled me a bit, having to feel what she was probably feeling when I acted fucking stupid and ignored every text from her. As right as she was to shut me out, I didn’t want her to. I wanted her to open her arms and take me back in, allow me to explain and fix everything that I had caused, and prove to her that my fuck up was not who I was. I needed her to let me make things right.
Twenty minutes passed, and there was still no reply from her. Every muscle in my body grew tense, clenching and hardening, making me completely uncomfortable. I rushed off to the bathroom and started the shower, hoping the heat would help to sweat some more of the alcohol out of my system while also calming me down.
I stepped in, standing directly under the raging water. I closed my eyes and replayed everything that had happened and how I'd mismanaged every piece of it. If I had just told her about the award, and talked everything out with her, none of the rest of this shit would have ever happened. I had allowed the old, mechanical Alex to ruin shit for the real, live, emotion having Alex. I had just completely and utterly fucked up.
My dick grew hard and ached with the tension that had built up. I looked down, finding it standing erect and pulsing with pain. I took hold of it, gripping as tightly as I could and began to move my hand back and forth. The harder I stroked, the more intense the pain became. When I slowed, the pain turned into stabs, sending sharp aches all over my body. I couldn't stop. I had to stroke the frustration and anger out of me.
I started up the hard strokes again, finally feeling like I was bringing some relief to the surface. The need to come came quickly, but with stronger and more intensified movements, the backlog hit. I could feel my release but couldn't quite get to it. I balled my free hand up into a tight fist and banged on the shower walls, yelling out my irritation. I began to picture Cassie in the shower with me, the way she allowed her body to helplessly fall into mine, her sweet and sensual neck, her perky tits and intoxicating smile. All of it wrapped into one was picture perfect perfection, and I finally came, long and hard. My groans filled the shower, and the beats on the wall gave way for the powerful release I let out.
I leaned up against the wall, allowing the water to run over me while I caught my breath. Flashes of her smile continuously hit me, making me even more eager to finally fix everything I had done wrong where she was concerned. I jumped out of the shower, not even bothering to dry off, and grabbed my phone to find an awaiting text message.
Cassie: Well, I can give you one thing. At least you're honest. I wish you could have been more forthcoming with me, though. I would have appreciated the heads up on getting pushed away and then hearing about you fucking your colleague. The one who just so happens to hate my fucking guts. If you were trying to humiliate me, congratulations, Alex, you've done that just well. Let's do what we promised to do in the very beginning and act like we don't have any history. A few more weeks and I'll be long gone anyway.
A couple of things stood out in her message. The first thing that hit me was that she would be leaving in a few weeks. I hadn't even thought about that and it sent panic flaring up inside of me. I didn't want her to leave, but the fact that she would be was very real, and it gave me even more of a push to try and make things right.
The second thing was that she said I had fucked Castillo, which hadn't happened.
Me: I did not fuck Castillo. I never meant to humiliate you, and I am terribly sorry. I don't want you to go.
Cassie: It's all out, Alex. If you fucked her, you fucked her. Can't take it back now.
Me: I'm telling you, I did not fuck her last night. Who the fuck told you this?
My patience was growing paper thin. As badly as I had messed everything up, I didn’t need any extra help with further pissing off and keeping Cassie away from me.
Cassie: Does it matter?
Me: YES!
Cassie: Ruiz.
I could have broken everything around me at that moment. Instead, I pounded on my dresser, trying to figure out how I was going to destroy that bitch for sticking her nose where it didn't belong.
Me: It's a goddamn lie. I never fucked her, Cassie. I promise you.
Cassie: Even if you didn't, something happened and I don't really want to dig into it. I have tests to study for. Have a good day, Sgt. Cruz.
Her cold and distant response was what finally sent me over the edge. I had already warned Ruiz, but she hadn't seemed to learn her lesson. Rage erupted from me, sending my drawers from my dresser flying across the room and hitting the wall with a loud thud. I could have swallowed nails in my bout of wrath, chewing them up before doing so. If there was anything more I hated than a rat, it was a person who couldn't mind their own fucking business. Ruiz had been given the warning to back the fuck off or face whatever I had on her, and thanks to Riley, I had plenty. If she was ready to play hardball with me, I was ready to smash her ass.
Monday morning finally came. I'd spent all day Sunday gathering up everything Riley had found on Ruiz and double checking it all, making sure that everything was lined up perfectly for me to bust her ass and get rid of her once and for all.
I'd tried calling Cassie, but as expected, she didn't take any of my calls. I felt like she was long gone, but I wouldn't allow myself to give up, so I kept trying. Jensen never came home after our fight, which was fine by me, but I couldn’t be sure he hadn't gone to the higher-ups and run his fucking mouth.
I left before Riley, blazing the streets trying to get to base to take care of my growing list of problems. I parked my truck and ran to the barracks duty hut, speaking to the Pfc. on duty.
'I need you to get Pfc. Angelica Ruiz for me.'
