Shards of Us

family. She was happy too. She loved me, made me her kid, because her husband left her when she couldn't produce one of her own. She taught me so much, about life and love… so much I ignored.' He sighs. 'I was a music prodigy then. I've always had a thing for music, playing or dancing. I didn't go to school, so I spent my time with music. And… well, I got into fights sometimes too. I was always an angry kid after what had happened to me. Music made me happy, but everything else seemed to infuriate. I fought a lot. Hated a lot. I learned a lot about toughening up and hurting people who deserve to be hurt in the times that I got in fights like that. I learned as many good lessons as I learned bad lessons, and when I was eighteen, I got a… job offer. I told Jodie it was a job as a music teacher but it was across the country, which means I'd have to leave, and she seemed disappointed but told me to follow my dreams anyway. And I did. I left her the next week because I knew I was bad for her, just like I'm bad for you. I lied to her, though. It wasn't a music teaching job I got offer. I didn't have any other way to get a job, not with my lack of education background and my broken past, so I took the one I could find… plus, I was stupid back then. I thought the job would make me happy. I was so angry, so hateful… I just needed a way to get it all out. I knew I couldn't live with myself if Jodie knew the truth, so I left her like I left my family.' He drops his voice to a whisper then, and the hurt in his voice is so strong it catches me off guard. 'I leave everyone. I don't get happiness. I only get abandonment.'

I shift closer to Sebastian, curiosity peaked. 'What was the job?' I ask quietly, touching my hand to his arm, loving the feel of his hard muscle.

'You don't want to know, angel.' He turns to me, and his eyes are wild, filled with fury and grief and, I think, a pang of regret. 'There's no way you could love me if you knew.'

'That's not true.'

'Is it, angel?' He looks angry now, hurt, even. 'I'm not a good person. Hell, I lost my fucking mind a long time ago. But I guess that's part of the job. I guess that's what… they… wanted, though. You just don't understand what it's like. You don't understand what it means to spend your whole life full of anger and hate, doing a job that gives you nightmares all night and all the time just so you can pay for yourself and your aging adoptive mother who is too stubborn to ask for money even when you both know she needs it.'

I move closer to him, staring back into his eyes. I really should hate him. But I find myself lost in our closeness, wanting to heal this broken soul beside me more than I can explain. 'I understand, Sebastian. I understand more than most. That's the point, remember? We're both broken in different ways, but shattered enough that only we have the ability to help each other.' I add, 'You can trust me.'

He's shaking his head like he already regrets what he's going to say. 'Just know that I didn't have a choice, when I joined them. I needed a job, and without an education background no one would take me. I needed the money. I needed to care for myself and Jodie, to send her those monthly checks, so this was the only option. When the man, Marco, offered me the job, I didn’t know what else to do but say yes. I knew he was a drug dealer, but--'

'What was the job?' I say. My heart starts pounding. Drug dealer? This can't be good.

Sebastian's eyes lock on mine. He stares at me for a long while, just sitting there, so intense and so hurt, until finally he says, 'A killer. A professional killer. A hitman, really.' My heart skips a beat. Oh no. Oh shit shit shit shit. 'It's for a drug cartel,' he continues. 'They also do human trafficking, among other things, which is why I didn't want them to take your friend. They… they have a lot of enemies. And when they want someone dead, they go to me. The work paid well and it kept me afloat for a while. Without it, I wouldn't have survived. Plus, it also made me less and less angry, at least at first. So I did it. I've worked the job for a few years now, since I was eighteen, and I learned a lot of… tricks of the trade, if you will.' He leans into me, his breath on my lips. Electricity radiates through the air, pouring off his body and wrapping me up. 'It hasn't been fun, angel. I'm not proud of what I did. But I needed to do it for the money. I needed to provide for Jodie and me. You have to understand that. You have to understand that it was my only choice.'

I find my body shaking. My heart keeps pounding in my chest. I don't know what to do. I'm frozen in my spot, trembling, the fear racing in. Sebastian is a hitman. He kills people for a living. I fell for a murderer, and became one myself. Everything hurts at the thought. It feels like a betrayal, a punch in the gut, but I don't know what to say. I just keep shaking my head, denying it again and again in my head even though I know it's true. And then I think: if he's really a hitman, how do I know I won't end up the same way all of his previous hits have? 'And you betrayed them?' I manage to croak out. 'Is that why they're after you?'

Sebastian looks at me with obvious worry, as if he's afraid I'm about to crack. I'm afraid of that, too, honestly. I feel so sick all of a sudden. I just want to get out of here, away from him, away from all of this. I want to stop being a prisoner. I want to stop feeling like some sort of caged animal. 'Yes,' Sebastian says at last. 'A couple years ago, they gave me a job, an important job, and I couldn't do it, so I covered it up. They found out a few weeks later, and they've been after me ever since.'

My head just keeps racing in my chest. I'm falling for a killer. A professional killer. I wonder what my parents would say about this, what Ash would say, what anyone would say. I'm an idiot, that's what they'd say. That I'm a complete. fucking. idiot. 'What about the scar?' My voice is weak.

He shakes his head. 'You don't need to know about the scar.'

'No,' I say, maybe too demanding, still trembling. 'I do.'

This gets Sebastian. He stands up suddenly, his face hot, his eyes wild and angry. 'No,' he yells harshly. 'You don't!'

I feel like I've just been punched in the face. I just keep staring at him, unable to process everything he is telling me. 'Sebastian--' I start to say.

He glowers at me, then looks away. 'I don't want to hear it.'

'Sebastian--'

'What?' he roars, snapping back around at me. His face is red and angry, and his veins bulge out of his forehead. 'What do you want? Can't you see my problem? I want you, angel,' he yells. 'I want you everywhere! But I can't have you. I can't corrupt you. I wouldn't do that to you. I'm not a good person, and falling for me is only going to get you hurt, so I won't. fucking. let you. So I ask again, what do you fucking want?'

I stand up now too. I won't be weak. I won't be weak. My eyes are level with his, his smoldering and angry and mine, well… sad. Distant. I feel distant. But this close to Sebastian, with his lips right next to mine, I know this is right. I know this is what I need. 'I want you,' I say simply, searching his eyes for a response. 'I want you,' I say again, like it'll make him understand, my voice stronger, more certain. 'I want you everywhere, Sebastian. Can't you see? I need you. I need you like I need to breathe.'

'And that's the problem,' Sebastian says. 'You can't need me. You shouldn't fucking need me! I'm not the kind of person you rely on. I do terrible things to survive. I'm not relationship material, angel. I'm built for ditching and fucking. I'm trying to save you from those men, but I also need to save you for myself. Because if I let you fall for me, then I'm letting you throw your whole life away. And please don't throw your life away. I know we care about each other, but please don't ruin it all for just a little desire.'

I step closer to him, feeling his heat wrap around my body. Everything about Sebastian is intense. Everything about him leaves me drained, but in the best way possible. 'Who says it's just a little desire? I need you, Sebastian. It's worse for me not to be with you. So just have me,' I whisper, my voice low. 'All of me. I need you to take me,' I say, eyes locked on his.

He shakes his head, not convinced.

'How can I prove it?' I ask.

'You can't,' Sebastian says quickly, and he looks ready to end this, to bring me back to my cellar and shut me there for eternity. But then he stops. Gets an idea. And he looks at me--really looks at me. 'Kiss me, angel,' he says suddenly. 'Prove to me you know what you're getting into. Kiss me like you mean it.'

I look at him, at his deep blue eyes, at the intense concentration in his features, and I can see he means it. I can see he needs me too. I can see, as twisted as it sounds, that even though I'm his prisoner, we were built for each other. And before I know what I'm doing, my lips are shoved against his. Everything feels so hot in that moment. Everything goes quiet, fades away. Everything is gone but the feeling of Sebastian kissing me. His lips are flames refusing to be doused as he kisses back harder and harder, and it feels real and edgy and thrilling and dangerous and so wrong, and yet so… not. Kissing Sebastian is the most exhilarating thing in the world, and his