I clear my throat before saying, “Hey, Bry.” I hate that my voice is shaking with emotion.
My words are met with a deep, yet calming sigh. “God, I missed your voice, Melanie.” Bryan’s words cause me to melt. I sink down onto my bed and begin twirling my loosely curled hair in between my fingers.
“I missed yours too. I feel like we haven’t talked in so long.” I work hard to push back the emotion I feel rising in my voice. I’m one sad, excited, anxious and uncertain ball of nerves.
I hear him huff in exasperation before saying, “I know and I’m sorry for that.” I hear him shuffle some things around and sigh yet again. He clears his throat. “We need to talk. But I don’t want to do this over the phone. Can I come over?”
All I can think of is some snippy remark along the lines, “Sure. Come on over and rip my heart out. No biggie.” But I bite back my sarcasm, because he doesn’t deserve it.
Instead, I say, “Yeah. The girls are actually heading over to Jack’s for the night.” I don’t know if being here alone with him is a good idea or not, but I guess it’s better to just get everything out in the open sooner rather than later.
“Okay, great. I’ll be there in about an hour.” Bryan’s words are suddenly chipper. Now I’m really confused. He’s excited to break up with me? I’ve already convinced myself that’s what his plan is. The bastard.
I push back those thoughts as I make my way out to the living room where Peyton, Lia and Cammie are all not-so-patiently waiting for me.
“Oh, well, look who’s ready to join us!” Lia chirps playfully as she swallows down the remainder of her pre-party drink. I just roll my eyes at her. Everyone thinks it’s just a cute personality quirk that I am always late. The truth is that I change more times than I can count before I find an outfit that I feel comfortable in. Not being comfortable in your own skin is a woman’s worst nightmare. Having to showcase that skin to a bunch of horny college guys is about as scary as that nightmare when you show up to class naked.
But, yet again, rather than divulging that part of me, I just flip her off playfully and say, “You girls should know by now that I’m never on time for anything. Like ever.” Cool and unaffected, my words tumble out of my mouth keeping the insecure version of Melanie well hidden from their sights.
Cammie stands from the couch and adjusts her black mini-skirt. Jack’s going to lose it when he sees her - in a good way, of course. “Let’s go, then!” Cammie smiles cheerfully as she walks to the door. I can tell she’s anxious to get to the party.
Glancing over at Peyton, she looks a little unsure about everything. She definitely doesn’t look like the other girls who attend these parties. By that I mean that she isn’t dressed like she works on a street corner. Her black skinny jeans don’t leave much to the imagination and neither does her curve-hugging top, but she doesn’t look like a whore. Hell, who knows, maybe now that Reid isn’t there, the number of whorish partygoers will decrease dramatically and Peyton will fit right in.
Just as they’re all grabbing their bags and heading for the door, I say, “I’m actually going to stay in tonight.” Lia shoots daggers and Peyton actually looks scared.
Leave it to Cammie to actually be concerned. “Is everything okay?”
Nodding my head to dismiss her misplaced worry, I say, “Yeah, everything is fine. Bryan just got back and he’s coming over. We haven’t seen each other all month so …” I leave that hanging out there, because honestly, I don’t know what we’re going to do tonight.
My stomach roils at the mere thought of the fight that I know will ensue.
“Someone’s getting laid!” Lia sings out from the door as she wraps her arm around Peyton’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. You can sleep in my room since Cammie’s going to be staying with Jack.” Peyton elbows Lia in the ribs and they share a laugh.
I guess while I was talking to Bryan they made up from earlier. That makes me feel a little better for not going with Peyton tonight. I know I don’t owe her anything, but I feel like I’m letting her down by not going.
Pulling their heavy winter jackets out from the front closet, Lia laughs at the bat tucked into the corner. “Not such a bad idea after all, huh, Mel.” She sticks her tongue out at me and laughs once more.
“Very funny!” I quip back at her.
Checking her phone, Cammie begins pushing everyone out the door. “Come on. Jack is downstairs waiting, and I don’t know about you ladies, but it is freaking cold as fuck out there and I’m not walking.” She hugs me on her way out and adds in a flirty tone, “Have a good night, Mel.” Before she closes the door, she winks at me and I can’t stifle the laughter that escapes my past my lips.
After a few seconds, the genuine laughs morph into ones of nervousness as I look at my watch and realize Bryan should be here any minute.
That sickening rolling I felt in my stomach yesterday when Mom was here returns, but this time, I can’t swallow it back. A nervous, panicking anxiety pulsates in my chest as I realize that I’m going to have to tell him about the cheating. A cold sweat breaks out on my brow and I race to the bathroom to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet.
I feel marginally lighter, purged in some way. In a moment of clarity – or deception, depending on how you look at it - I’ve decided that I’m not going to say anything about his text. If I don’t confront him about what he did, then I won’t have to confess to him about what I did. And, if I can just hold on to this feeling until Bryan leaves, maybe I won’t have to tell him, after all.
6
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Past
“Omigod omigod omigod!” I’m flapping my arms in front of my like a rabid chicken – that is if chickens even get rabies.
“Will you just calm down, Mel. Everything will be fine,” Maddy dismisses my little panic attack.
It’s every day that you go to your hot boyfriend’s soccer game and then go to a party with all of his friends, who you’ve never met before.
Oh and did I mention that his parents would be there too? Yeah, like that’s going to calm my anxiety.
I know it shouldn’t be a big deal. I finally caved, and since we started dating, I’ve gone to a few of his games. It’s just that most of them have been during the week so I haven’t had to deal with the after party. And meeting his parents, yeah, that is definitely what has me all sorts of screwy right now.
Maddy holds a turquoise, off-the-shoulder peasant top in front of her. “Wear this one. It will make your hair and your eyes pop.”
Standing in front of the mirror and draping the pretty shirt this-way and that-way across my body, I scrunch my face and then toss it on the bed.
“Okay.” She stretches out the word to emphasize her frustration with helping me get ready. “What about this purple one? This one is my favorite.”
Pulling the purple shirt over my head, I play with the hem to make sure that it sits in just the right spot – hiding the curve of my waist, while still flattering the rest of my shape. I flop down onto my bed as I slide my black ballet flats on my feet. Sliding one leg under my body, I turn toward Maddy and sigh rather dramatically.
“What if they hate me? I mean, I’ve never done this – met a guy’s parents before. What if I make an ass out of myself?” My shaking voice reflects my nervousness.
“Well, then,” Maddy says as she pulls me up from the bed, and hands me my sunglasses and black bomber jacket, “at least you’ll look like a pretty ass.” She laughs and I can’t help but chuckle with her.
“But seriously, Mel. You’ve been with Bryan for what, like a month now. He’s obviously into you, otherwise you wouldn’t be meeting his parents at all. I’m sure they’ll like you.” Maddy’s words boost my confidence a little.
Standing in front of the mirror, I take stock of the girl reflected back to me. Usually I’m the one trying to convince Maddy to play Barbie. But today, my hands were shaking with such extreme anxiety that I couldn’t even do my own make-up. Silently nodding my approval, I have to say that Maddy didn’t do such a bad job. My hair looks wildly tame – a perfect combination of auburn curls, softly brushed and smoothed so I don’t look like Annie.
