Let Love Heal

quickly and thank the OCD lords that I’ve laid out my clothes and packed my lunch the night before.

I would have liked to get to camp early today too. I never got the chance to tell Bryan about Tyler and what did not happen between us. Oh well, I’ll just have to tell him today when he picks up Emmie.

I pull into the parking lot and race over to the arts and crafts room. The kids start out every Monday morning drawing pictures of what they did over the weekend. I find Emmie immediately and when I catch a glimpse of her picture, I am blown away.

“Wow, Emmie! Did you draw that?” I lean over her shoulder and instantly recognize what she’s drawn. It’s a picture of the gorge that Bryan and I went hiking through on our first date. I’ll never forget the beauty of that place for as long as I live.

“I did,” she says proudly. Emmie smiles at me and it’s as beautiful as the stars I saw in the sky last night. “Bryan took me there this weekend.” Emmie returns her attention to her picture where she carefully writes a title in bold capital letters across the top. “Happy Times Waterfall.” She then adds “To: Melanie” at the top and “Love: Emmie” at the bottom before handing me her work of art.

“Thank you so much, sweetie. Are you sure I can have it?” Emmie nods excitedly, and I know that not accepting it is not an option. Holding it before me, I examine it once more; it really is a beautiful drawing. I can tell that art is her thing. “That’s a really cute title, Emmie. How’d you come up with that?”

“That’s what it’s called, silly,” she quips with as much sarcasm as any thirteen-year-old girl is supposed to have.

I poke her in the arm. “No, silly. It’s called Hemlock Gorge.”

“You can call it whatever you want. But when I asked Bryan, he said something about happy times. I like Happy Times better than Hemlock or whatever you called it.”

Clutching the paper to my chest, this crayon scribbled picture from a teenage girl has now become one of my most precious possessions.

I feel like I’m walking on clouds the rest of the day. Knowing that Bryan took Emmie where he was happy with me makes me even more hopeful. The day passes by in a blur and my stomach is in knots as I wait in the parking lot for Bryan to pick up Emmie. She’s running around in the small field to the side of the parking lot with a few of her friends and another counselor. I’m lost in my daydreams of the maybes that Bryan and I spoke about last night, so when Will sits down next to me, I’m momentarily startled.

“Hey, how was your weekend?” He sees me jump slightly and laughs.

“Good. It was great to see my mom.” I might be speaking to him, but I’m preoccupied with scanning the lot for Bryan’s car.

“And you got a car out of it too, huh? That’s a pretty sweet deal.” He grins at me as he points to my car parked next to his.

“Yeah, it was a total surprise. I love it though.”

Standing before me, he holds out his hand. “Come show me.” He doesn’t ask so I can’t really say no.

“I can’t. These kids are …”

Will waves over to Samantha, the other counselor and she waves back at us. “The kids are what? They’re fine. Samantha is out there. I want to see your new ride.” I give in, but stand on my own – without taking his hand.

When we’re over to my car, I stand by the driver’s door as he peers into the window. “Well, here it is. Not much to it. Four doors, a few tires and a steering wheel.” I think he can tell that I’m trying to avoid him. I’ve been doing it all day.

Without saying anything, he leans up against the car and smiles at me seductively. “So, about Friday. Are you free?” That was his ploy the whole time. He wasn’t really interested in my car. He just wanted to get me far enough away from the kids so that he could talk to me privately.

Nervousness sets in. Bryan should be here any minute and this is the last thing he needs to see – me pressed up against a car while Will is trying to get me to go out with him. “Look, Will. I like you, but only as a friend.”

“Okay, so we’ll go out as friends.” He’s not getting it. The truth is that if it wasn’t for Bryan, I would be more tempted to give in. Will’s attractive and funny. At only twenty-two years old, he’s still well within my acceptable dating age.

“Thanks, Will, but I’m still going to have to say no.” Without missing a beat, he reaches for the strand of hair that just fell from behind me ear. After he sweeps it back in place, he lightly traces his thumb down my cheekbone. “Are you sure about that?” he asks softly.

“I’m flattered, Will. Really, I am. I just can’t.” I pull his hand away from my face and he takes that opportunity to bring my knuckles to his lips.

Grazing over them lightly, he mumbles against my skin, “Can’t or won’t?” His eyes are pleading with me to give in.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Searching for some kind of strength, I huff out a frustrated sigh. “No, Will. I won’t. Thank you but really, we’re just friends.” Before I can even push his hand away from mine, I hear the gravel crunch under someone’s approaching footsteps.

“Just friends, huh?” Bryan’s angry voice quietly rumbles from behind Will’s back. Throwing his hands up in the air, Bryan mumbles, “Fuck this!” as he stalks away.

Running after him, I call out, “No! Wait, Bryan! Wait!” He turns on his heel so quickly that I nearly collide into his hard chest. “What, Melanie?” There’s pain in his eyes and I can see the fight leave his body as his shoulders sag.

“I can explain.” The lame words die in the air between us.

“There’s nothing to fucking explain. You’re apparently just friends with him too,” he seethes, but doesn’t yell as he recalls our talk from the night before. Scrubbing his hands over his face and through his hair in restrained anger, he leans down so that only I can hear him. “Just when I thought I could trust you … when I thought I could possibly let you in again … you go and fuck me over … make me look like a fool. I- I’m done, Melanie. I just can’t …” There’s so much pain and anguish in his voice. The last of his words are muffled almost painfully as he walks away from me. He sounds as if he’s about to cry and part of me wishes that he would. I deserve his anger – his yelling and cursing. But instead, I get restrained anger and seething pain.

Standing there numbly and near tears, I watch as Emmie runs over to Bryan. He helps her get into the car and he pulls away from me.

But this time, I feel like it’s really for the last time.

Part Three Healed

16

It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve finally let go of the idea that Bryan and I will ever get back together. No matter how many times I tried to talk to him over the summer, whether it was calling him or waiting for him to get Emmie at camp, he always avoided me. He wasn’t rude or mean. Keeping up the appearance of being friends for Emmie’s sake, he was usually cordial. As nice as his attempts at civility might have been, I could always sense his anger and hurt bubbling just beneath the surface.

I was sad to see Emmie leave at the end of the summer. I cried as I hugged her goodbye because I would genuinely miss her, but also because I knew that when she walked out of my life, so would Bryan. He waited by his car on that final day, giving Emmie and I our space. She drew me another picture that day – one of her and me holding hands. There were tears in her eyes too as she pulled away from me and walked toward Bryan.

I wanted to run to him. I wanted to yell and scream and explain myself until I ran out of words to tell him,