until the darkness passed. I couldn't stand it if someone else got hurt.
I shoved past her and stomped to my door. Her voice was like the sound of buzzing insects, lost in the myriad thoughts of my own mind. I was losing it. This had to be the final break.
I slammed the door and went downstairs, locking it behind me. My hand twisted my hair around and around and around. I couldn't seem to stop the motion, my agitation breaking out into a physical manifestation. Damaging my hair seemed like a better prospect than hurting those around me. The images were back, playing in my mind like an all-time matinee, and the reel on loop showing the grisly scenes over and over again. I tried to stop it, to shove it to the back of my mind like always, but they refused to be moved. I sank down onto the floor, my head in my hands.
“What the fuck is your problem!” I didn't even look up as I heard my father's shout. I couldn't face him, or any of them.
“Just go away, please.” I muttered. I squeezed my head, trying to force the images to stop. I shut my eyes, but the images only became more vivid, more intense.
“I am not going away! You are not going to just storm off and get out of this!” He yanked me to my feet, the pressure of his hands biting into my arms. I relished in it. Pain meant that it was real, all of it. It was something physical I could hold onto while everything else seemed like a dream, separate from what had been my reality.
He shook me. I was so consumed with my own mind that I didn't realize he had been yelling the entire time. My father, who was always lighthearted and never serious, was staring at me like a condemning highlander. Ready to strike down on all those who hurt his family. The darkness was rolling inside of me, a storm cloud full of electricity. There was so much darkness, I almost expected lightning to shoot from me.
I remained silent as he laid into me. There was nothing he could say that I hadn't already thought myself. I've thought much worse.
“That's it, isn't it? You're trying to punish us for this move! You've turned into nothing but a spoiled, selfish pyro!” Tears began streaming down my face. I didn't wipe them away, even though his words sliced through me. They were a direct jab at Becca. Becca—
“I don't care what we have to do! You will get over this shit, do you understand me?”
I started laughing. I couldn't help it. There was too much inside me, too much emotions, and too much darkness. I had to release the pressure. His face reddened until I thought he'd have a stroke.
He released me quickly. I kept laughing, while the tears kept streaming down my face, looking into his enraged eyes the entire time. His hand drew back and he slapped me full force across the face. My head whipped to the side with his blow, the momentum causing my body to follow until I was nothing but a heap on the floor. I looked up at him through the tangled mess of my hair, blood streaming from the corner of my mouth. I'd stopped laughing. A small piece of me seemed to shrivel up and die at that moment.
His face was pale and I thought he'd be sick. I stood up, flinching as he reached out to me. He backed away, slowly shaking his head like he couldn't believe what he did. I pushed my hair out of my face and wiped the blood from my mouth. The hit had finally ceased the images in my mind, but it caused the darkness to rise up along with the rage.
“Baby girl— I'm— my God.” He shook his head. It was a nice try. I've learned that no matter how much you shake your head, or wished what you did hadn't happened, that it would never go away.
“I'm leaving now.” I stated simply. I would have been shocked at how level my tone was, but I couldn't feel anything besides the darkness. It was almost a relief.
“No, you don't have to—”
I just looked at him and he stopped talking. I could feel my eyes changing, and by the look on his face he must have noticed it too. “Yes, I do have too. Don't worry about me,” I smiled bitterly, “I'll be home when I'm home.” I turned around and ignored his useless ramblings, leaving them behind.
Chapter Thirty
I drove endlessly with the darkness leading the way. I was on autopilot. I was surprised I didn't crash as I found myself in front of The Nook. I looked at my phone and was shocked to see that school would be out by now. I didn't know why my body automatically brought me to Rose and Mary Beth. Maybe my subconscious knew something I didn't.
I got out and walked into the store. The familiar scent of caffeine and books embraced me, calming some of my madness. Mary Beth was behind the counter and looked over at me with worried eyes.
“Hey, Mary Beth.” I greeted weakly as I walked over.
She peered at my face, her eyebrows drawing closer together. “Hello, dearie. What happened to your face?”
I placed my hand against my cheek, wincing at the tenderness. “Nothing, just a little accident.”
She didn't look convinced but dropped the subject. “You want your usual?”
“Yeah, that'll be—”
“Rose should be coming down in a minute to help out. If you want I can see if Michael will stay later so you two can talk.”
“No, that won't be—”
“I know how you girls get. Always wanting to gossip and such. I remember when I was—”
“Mary Beth!” Her shock mirrored my own. This was the first time I ever yelled at her. Guilt consumed me, mixing in with the darkness. “Sorry. I was saying that that won't be necessary. I would just like to sit by myself for a while, okay?”
Something in my face must have told her to leave it alone. She nodded and finished making my coffee. She was unusually quiet as she handed it to me.
“Thanks. I really am sorry.”
She just nodded and turned away. I hoped that I didn't do any lasting damage. She was already frail the way it was, mentally at least. I sighed and went to a corner table, trying to hide within the store.
I stared down at my coffee, letting my mind empty for once as I looked internally to the darkness. It seemed to speak to me, begging me to let it loose. It wanted, needed something, but I didn't know what. I turned my mind away and looked out the window right as Andrei walked passed. I froze as I watched him, my heart beating heavily in my chest.
He stopped outside the window, and the look he sent me seemed to freeze me in place. It was cold, almost frigid in its intensity. There was no warmth in his gaze, no heat, none of the fire that I had become so used to seeing. He was the polar opposite, like instead of looking at someone he almost kissed, he was looking at the enemy.
Another piece of me died in that moment. I was slowly losing myself, losing everything that mattered to me. I was becoming lost within the darkness. Would anyone even care? Or would they just lock me up in some asylum, away from the world, a best forgotten memory.
I looked away from those chilling eyes that used to hold me captive so easily. I watched as his shadow passed by and didn't look up as I heard the store's door open. He said all he needed to in that one look. I didn't know why he changed, but in that moment I didn't think it would matter. He wasn't the only one who had changed.
“What did you do?” I looked up into Rose's enraged eyes. Looks like I was going to lose everyone today.
“Nothing. I did nothing.”
She crossed her arms, her eyes staring daggers into me. “You sure in the hell did something! I haven't seen Mom this quiet in years! All she told me was that you were here then walked away. What the fuck, Star?”
“Look, I already said sorry to your Mom, okay? I didn't mean to snap on her. I was just tired of not being able to get a word in.” I shot back. Her anger was no match for mine.
“You know how she is! You should have just nodded and walked away after she was done rambling! Do you
