such demands, keeping track o f the details o f shelter; and she
got what she needed i f she had to make it or barter for it or steal
it; she was one o f them evil geniuses o f a mother that kept her
eye open to get what was needed, including when the Nazis
were there, occupying, when some didn’t get fed and
everyone was hungry. Daddy got to sit in the special chair, all
for him. O f course, when he was younger he worked. On
boats. Including for the Nazis. He had no choice, he is quick to
say. Well, not that quick. He says it after a long, rude silence
questioning w hy is it self-evident that there was no choice or
questioning his seeming indifference to anything going on
around him at the time. Well, you see, o f course, I had no
choice. N o, well, they didn’t have to threaten, you see, I
simply did what they asked; yes, they were fine to me; yes, I
had no trouble with them; o f course, I only worked on a boat,
a ship, you know. Oh, no, o f course, I didn’t hurt anyone; no,
we never saw any Jew s; no, o f course not, no. M om m y did, o f
course; saw a Jew ; yes, hid a Je w in a closet for several days,
yes. Out o f the kindness o f her heart. Out o f her goodness.
Yes, they would have killed her but she said what did the Jew s
ever do to me and she hid one, yes. Little Je w girl became his
daughter-in-law— times have changed, he would note and
then he would nod ponderously— but it was the hero,
m om m y-in-law, w ho’d say things like “je w it dow n” because
she did the work o f maintaining the family values: fed the
family materially and spiritually. But m y husband wasn’t one
o f them; the worse they were, the purer, the more miraculous,
he was. He wasn’t o f them; he was o f me; o f what I was and
knew; o f what I thought and hoped; o f the courage I wanted to
have; o f the will I did have; o f the life I was leading, all risk and
no tom orrow; and he was born after the war like me; a child o f
after. So there was this legal thing; the law decrees; it made me
their daughter-in-law more than it made me his wife. There
was it and them on the one hand and then there was us: him in
exile from them— I thought he was as orphaned as I was; and
braver; I thought he was braver. I embraced him, and he
embraced me, and neither o f us knew nothing about
tom orrow and I never had. I didn’t wait for him like some
middle-class girl wanting a date or something in ruffles or
someone wanting a husband; I wasn’t one o f them and I didn’t
want a husband; I wanted a friend through day and night. I
didn’t ask him what he liked so I could bow and scrape and my
idea wasn’t to make him into someone safe, denatured. He
was an anarchist o f spirit and act and I didn’t want no burden
o f law on him. I just wanted to run with him, be his pal in his
game, and hold him; hold him. I indulged an affection for him,
