to keep him occupied, excited, I’d try to get him to come, he’d
want to get hard but I’d want to make him come, I’d do
anything to make him come so the next part w ouldn’t happen
but it always did, you put your heart into staying alive, acting
like you’re in charge; married, a married woman, with what
we been to each other, this is just a hard stretch, he’s having
some trouble, it will change, I’ll love him enough, give him
what he needs, it will change, I can do anything, absolutely
anything. I’d go through the motions, tying him, doing what
he wanted, m ostly light strokes o f a cotton wrap-around belt
and fellating him and then he was ready and he’d tie m y wrists
to the bed and I’d start waiting and soon the pain in m y side
would come and I’d know it was going to last for hours and
he’d use a leather belt, a heavy belt, with a big buckle, a silver
buckle, or sticks, or he’d begin with his open hand, or he’d use
a brush, and he’d do what he wanted and he’d take his time and
then sometime he’d fuck me and I’d hope it was over and
sometimes it was and sometimes he’d do more and after he
would untie me and he wanted to visit folks and party, didn’t
matter w ho or where, even his terrible fam ily, he’d play cards,
the men would play cards, or i f it was real late at night he’d
want an after midnight m ovie, a cow boy m ovie, an edge o f
night crowd where there were always people he knew and
deals he could make and he’d strut by them, circle around
them, regale them, touch and poke them, tell vulgar jokes, sell
hash or score and always, always he’d smoke; or w e’d go to an
after-hours club and he’d deal and strut; and I’d sit there, the
quiet, used thing; the pale, used thing. I’d moan and do
everything you’re supposed to; I’d egg him on to try to get him
to finish; I ju st hate the fucking feel o f rope around m y wrists; I
hate it. We didn’t use mechanical things; you can use anything;
you can do anything any time with anything. The bed was in a
tiny middle room, a passageway really, no window s, and I’d
lay there, m y wrists tied to the headboard, and the walls
would be nearer each time, the room w ould get smaller each
time; and sometimes, more and more, he’d leave me spread-
eagle on the bed, m y ankles tied to the base o f the bed, and he’d
be done, and he’d get up, he’d fuck me with m y legs tied
spread apart and then he’d be dead weight on top o f me, he’d
be done, and sometime he’d get up, when he wanted, and he’d
stand there, his back to me, and he’d putter around, he’d find
his pants, he’d pick out a new shirt to wear, he’d hum, and I’d
want to reach out like this was still us, not just him, and he’d be
only a few feet away, but I couldn’t and I’d say his name and
he’d keep his back to me and I’d ask him to untie me and he’d
