frenzy landed on me— landed on me, a shower o f his fists
pummeling me— I just didn’t believe it. It w asn’t something
he would really do; not to me; me. It was some awful mistake;
a mistake. I didn’t clean the refrigerator. I had never seen
anyone clean one before— I mean, I never had, however stupid
I am I hadn’t— and I didn’t see w hy I should do it and I didn’t
want to do it and he told me to do it and I said no and he went
mad, it was some seizure, something happened to him,
something got inside him and took him over, and he beat me
nearly to death, it’s a saying but I think it’s true, it means that
some part o f you that is truly you does die, and I crawled into a
corner, I crawled on the floor down low so he w ouldn’t kick
me, I crawled, and I was sick in the corner but I didn’t m ove,
and he was sorry, and he helped me, he washed m y face and he
put me in bed and he covered me up and he let me sleep and it
ju st w asn’t something you could imagine happening again. O r
I didn't do the laundry right. I didn’t separate the clothes right.
I washed his favorite T-shirt in with the colored clothes and
some colors ran in it and he held it up and he berated me for
how stupid I was and how I did this to hurt him on purpose
because it was his favorite T-shirt and I was trying to placate
him so I was trying to smile and be very nice and I said it was
ju st a mistake and I was sorry and he said you always have
some fucking smart answer and he hit me until I was wet stuff
on the floor. Everything just keeps happening. Y ou do the
laundry, you think you are free, you get waked up by
someone on you fucking you or he ties you up and you get a
pain in your side and then you go to the movies and time slows
down so that a day is almost never over, it never exactly ends,
nothing exactly ever stops or starts, I’d sit in the movie
wondering what would happen if I just stood up and started
begging for help, I wanted to, I wanted to just stand up and say
help me; help me; he’s hurting me; he, this one here, he hurt
me so bad just before; help me; take me somewhere; help me;
take me somewhere safe; and I knew they’d laugh, he’d make
them laugh, some jokes about women or how crazy I was and
the stoned assholes would just laugh and he’d keep me there
through the movie and then life would just go on; then or
later, that night or tomorrow, he would hurt me so bad; like
Himmler. There’s normal life going on all around you and
you have your own ordinary days and it is true that they are
ordinary because doing the laundry is ordinary and being
fucked by your husband is ordinary and if you are unhappy
that is ordinary too, as everyone will tell you i f you ask for
help. Old ladies in the neighborhood will pat your hand and
say yes, dear, but someday they get sick and die. Y ou can’t
remember if there was a prior time and you get so nervous and
