to call Jill to say he’s on his w ay and we walk upstairs and I sit
on the single wood chair but he doesn’t go near any phone
which I don’t even know where it is, I sit on the wood chair
and I dig m y nails into it and he pours me another drink and
I’m saying I’ve had enough but once it’s in m y hands I’m
nervous so I drink it and it’s pretty much like I’m submerged
in a tank o f alcohol, the fumes are drowning out any air, I’m
close to asphyxiation. I sit real still on the chair, I down the
drink like it’s water, I hold onto the chair for dear life, I see the
chicken wire and it scares me, I think about outside and it
scares me, and he’s just standing there, real benign, there’s not
a hint o f sex, there’s not a spark I can see, it’s Jill’s art opening,
he’s her lover and these facts have only one outcome which is
he’s going to her now or soon and I just have to sit here still
until he does and I ask where Jill sleeps and he says behind the
chicken wire and I feel out o f m y fucking mind, I feel insane,
and he’s totally level; and his eyes change, I never looked at his
eyes before but now they’re cold, they are real cold, they have
a steel quality, you might say they are mean and you might say
they are cruel and you might say they have m y blood smeared
on them and he’s saying he’ll just tuck me in, I should just lie
down and he’ll cover me with a blanket and then he’ll leave
and I’m saying he should leave now and I’m Jill’s friend and he
says he just wants me to sit next to him on the single bed just
for a minute, just sit there next to him, and I am some falling
down drunk stupid bitch but I am not going near him, I am
sitting on the chair, I have got m y fingernails dug in, and he’s
spying, totally level, totally calm, you can leave if you want,
quiet voice he has, you can just leave, quiet voice, soft voice,
cold eyes, not brown, yellow eyes, ochre eyes, dirty yellow
eyes, quiet voice, you can leave or you can just come here and
sit with me, sit next to me, just for a minute, or you can leave,
or you can leave, or you can sit here, next to me or you can
leave; and I thought, can I? — the door’s locked from inside,
you can’t stay on the streets, the bars are closed, there’s no
strangers outside you can find, even if you was going to risk it,
and you can barely put one foot in front o f another, everything
in front o f your eyes is streaked and moving, everything’s got
a tail like a comet racing through the sky, everything’s a shiny
streak whirling past you and you are standing still unless you
are falling, you fall and stop, fall and stop; and he’s saying you
can leave and you’re wondering if he’d let you anyway,
because finally it occurs to you he is more than a liar, or w hy
would he be so calm? He’s so quiet; quiet voice; you can leave;
or come right here, sit near me, just near me; and then there’s
w hatever’s past the fucking sunset, you know, the ocean
pounds the shore or something, there’s a hurricane, many die,
it breaks apart the beach, shacks, houses, stone walls, they’re
