out, it sends you away, it makes you impatient and distracted,
and I feel like busting out, and some nights I do, I bust out. I take
all the money I got on me, and if it’s ten dollars I’m flush, and I
ju st bolt, I get out and drink, I find a man, sometimes a
woman, sometimes both, I like both at once, I like being
drunk, or I start out just for a drink and I end up with
someone, drunk; fucking happy drunk; no light but everything glistens; no illumination but everything shines. Som etimes I ju st walk, I can walk it off, aimlessly. It’s as dangerous as fucking, takes nearly the same adrenaline, just to take a walk
at night, even if you walk towards the neon and not towards
the dark park; ain’t a woman in Amerika walks towards the
park. If I can calm m yself I go home. But there’s times if I was
a man I’d kill someone. I feel wild and mean and I’m tired o f
being messed with, I got invisible bars all around me and I
have blame in my heart to them that put them there and I want
to fucking tear them apart, I want my insides turned out in
bruising them, I don’t want no skin left on me that ain’t
roughed them up, I want them bloodied, I want to dance in
men’s blood, the cha-cha, the polka, the tango, the rhumba,
hard, fast, angular dances or stomping dances or slow killing
dances, the murder waltz, I want to mix it up with killing right
next to me, on m y side; it’s hot in my heart and cold in my
brain and I ain’t ever going to feel sorry; or I’d take one o f them
boys and I’d turn him inside out and put something up his ass
and I’d hear him howl and I’d expect a thank-you and a yes
m a’am; and I would get it. D on’t matter how dangerous you
feel, all the danger’s to you, so it’s best to settle down and end
up back inside your stupid fucking walls that you wanted so
much; alone, inside the walls, a Valium maybe or a ’lude so
you don’t do no damage to yourself; love your walls, citizen. I
want them bruised and bloodied but I don’t get what I want as
m y mama used to tell me but I didn’t believe her; besides I
wanted something different then; her point was that I had to
learn the principle that I wasn’t supposed to get what I wanted;
and m y point was that I wasn’t going to learn it. Y ou don’t
name someone not-cunt and then betray the meaning and
make them fit in cages; I didn’t learn it, fucking bitch o f a
mother. It’s a rainy night. The rain is slick over the cement and
on the buildings like diamonds dripping; a liquid dazzle all soft
and rolling and swelled up, like a teardrop. It’s one o f them
magic nights where the rain glow s and the neon is dull next to
it; like God lit a silver flame in the water, it’s a warm , silver,
glassy shine, it sparkles, it’s a night but it ain’t dark
because it’s a slick light you could skate on and everything
looks translucent and as if it’s m oving, it slides, it shines. It’s
beckoning to me as i f God took a paint brush and covered the
w orld in crystal and champagne. It’s wet diamonds out there,
