make us wear; I got strong thighs because o f the reason under
the reason; I been in horse position on m y back most o f my
life; I like it alone and standing up. Sensei says eat steak but I
can only afford potatoes, or sometimes frozen squash, or
sometimes cheese, or the free bar food, but the men are
unbearable so I don’t do that unless I am ravenous; sometimes
I’m hungry too much. I take double classes twice a week
because I want to be strong; I am dying to be strong; all my
money goes to Sensei and I fail at sit-ups twice in a night and I
fail to do one whole push-up twice in a night, two times a
week; and I have to come up with a stupendous amount o f
money, because it is fifteen dollars a class, so that is fifteen
times four, and Sensei berates me when I say I will have to take
a single class twice a week for a month or two or even three
because I cannot find the money to pay for double classes; I feel
m y serious w ord that this is so is enough but she takes it as if I
am lying or I don’t value her or I don’t have devotion, as if it’s
an excuse; and I feel enraged; because it’s as if she’d turn me out
for her fucking money, if you want it you can get it she says
like any pimp on the street; I am a writer, I am going to hurt
men, I am a serious person; she knows it. Sensei says she’s
never seen anyone with a will like mine but it’s a trick to flatter
me so I’ll be persuaded to get the money for double classes
after I’ve said I can’t and I’m feeling the indignity because I am
pure will and I have not insulted her by uttering one frivolous
word. I am engaged in the serious jo b o f survival and the
creation o f a plan to stop men; hurt them, stop them, kill them;
and I am not some fool who says insubstantial things and I
don’t have money to m ove around, as if I can take it from
something I don’t need, which I feel is an indignity to have to
explain, and I feel rage because she is middle-class in this w ay
that demeans me and the dojo’s in a Victorian brownstone she
owns with her lover, a woman with round shoulders and
sagging breasts who does not do sit-ups or horse position
standing up; there is a sudden horror in my heart, a queasy
feeling o f sickness and dread, because I ask her to be sober and
treat me with honor and she degrades me because o f money
and I cannot forgive it. I am learning that inside something
goes w rong when something w rong happens; I am learning to
follow it, the feeling. I say I write and it is first and I have thirty
dollars I can find, not sixty, and I do not say how much I give
up to give her the thirty because to do so would be demeaning
in m y heart, the sick feeling would come on, and she belittles
me and I leave and I never turn back. D o not mess with me. I
am making a plan in writing to make the men shed tears o f
