he wants when I want them to go; it’s what I want; I never
understand w h y it’s always with these girls what he wants— i f
he’s there and even if he ain’t in sight or in the vicinity; he had
his hours doing what he wants; and she tells me she’s
disappointed with me for not being loving and we could all
share and this is some dream come true, the most amazing
thing that’s ever happened, to her or ever on earth, it’s the
pro o f that everything is possible, and the pain I’m in is keeping
me from m oving because I can’t even sit up but I’m saying
very quiet, get out now. And she’s saying it’s her first time
with a woman and she didn’t really get to do anything—
tourist didn’t get to see the Eiffel T ow er— and I say yes, that’s
right, you didn’t get nothing. So she’s sad like some lover who
was real left her and she’s handling me like she read in some
book, being a tender person, saying everything bland and
stupid, all her ideals about life, everything she’s hoped for, and
she’s preachy with the m orality o f sharing and unity and
harm ony and I expect her to shake her finger at me and hit m y
knuckles with a ruler and make me stand in a corner for not
being some loving bitch. T here’s a code o f love you have to
learn by heart, which I never took to, and I’m thinking that if
she don’t take her treacle to another planet I’m going to stand
up, no matter what the pain, and physically carry her out, a
new little bride, over the threshold to outside. She’s some
sobbing ingenue with a delicate smile perpetually on her face
shining through tears which are probably always with her and
she’s talking about universal love when all the boy did was
fuck us to death as best he could, which in m y case was close
but no cigar and I couldn’t bring m yself to think it was all that
friendly; and I had a short fuse because I needed another pill, I
was a few behind and I was looking forward to making them
up now in the immediate present, I could talk real nice to
Demerol and I didn’t want them there for when I got high
again; so I said, you go, because he really likes you and you
should stay with him and be with him and be good to him, so
the dumb bitch leaves with the prince o f peace over there, the
b o y’s already smoking dope so he’s already on another plane
taking care o f him self which is what he’s really good at; and
she’s uncomprehending and she’s mournful that I couldn’t get
the love part right but they went, I saw the b o y’s turquoise and
purple silk shirt float by me and the drippy, sentimental girl in
cotton floated out still soliciting love. I never understood w hy
she thought you could ask for it. N o one can ask it from me. I
never can remember his face; peculiar, since his head was right
above me for so long, his tongue in my mouth, he kissed the
whole time he fucked, a nice touch, he was in her kissing me or
in me kissing her so no one’d get away from him or decide to
