when he was sad or lonely, she would sit with him or lie with him.
when he was hungry, she would feed him or he would feed her.
nothing about this man was like other men. he would cook and
read poetry and speak only in the softest voice. I am the only one, she
thought, I am different, there is a place for me here,
and so she began to sleep with him and never made demands.
always, what he wanted, not what the others wanted, he did not tear
into her or delight in making her bleed.
sometimes they would eat together, and then she would go home,
sometimes he would read poetry, and then she would go home,
sometimes he would talk about his hard life of poverty and grief, and
how his mother had hated and betrayed him, and then she would go
home.
she did not notice that her life remained hidden from him. she did
not notice his cold indifference to her need to stay, or to talk about
her own grief and poverty, she told him nothing of her own mother,
or her murdered father, or the years of man after man and year after
year, she noticed only that he was different from the others and that
she was different from the others when she was with him.
then, he asked her to move in with him.
he took her hand tenderly and said that all his life he had wanted a
womans love and devotion, he said that they would be friends and
lovers, workers together on this project and that, he said that she was
not like other women, weak and dependent, and that he was not like
other men, arrogant and aggressive, he said that he would have his
own life and she would have hers, he said that he hoped she
understood that he was a homosexual and so he would continue to
have male lovers and of course they would each be free anyway to do
whatever they wanted, he said that he was a difficult person who had
had a hard life but that now he wanted to share his life, some of it,
with her. he warned her, over her protests, that he was a selfish person. he said that nothing much had worked out in his life with women and that he hoped this would be different now. he said that
he was willing to try if she was and on that heroic note, he stopped.
she moved in early the next morning, 3 suitcases of clothes and
assorted odds and ends, they had agreed that she would keep her
own apartment for a while, just in case her actual physical presence
did not really suit him. he said that they would not tell anyone quite
yet, in case it didnt work out.
the 3 suitcases seemed too final to him, so he sent her home again
and suggested that she return with just a few dresses that would not
cause much bother.
from the beginning she was determined to succeed, she made him
tea and coffee and tried to stay out of his way. to have no expectations, to make no demands, she smiled when she thought a smile would not be an intrusion and the rest of the time she practiced being self-sufficient, strong, independent, and marginally visible.
for 2 weeks they lived this way. in the day she taught and he had
appointments, she did not know who he saw or what they did. be an
