ring.
“What?”
“We’re at the drugstore. Did you give us the wrong address for the gift?”
“No.”
Damn, the woman could try the patience of a priest. “Right. So is it in the drugstore?”
“Yes, they are.”
“They?”
Grandma yelled something and covered the phone and then cleared her throat. “Yes, just go in and tell them you’re there to pick up the things for Jake Titus.”
“Why’d you put it under my name?”
Grandma paused and then laughed. “Oh, I’ll be right there!”
“Huh?”
“Not you.” She giggled. “It’s under your name because you’re picking everything up. Now just go introduce yourself to the nice manager. He should be working tonight, and he’s expecting you.”
“Grandma, I hate to ask—”
“Then don’t!” The phone went dead.
Jake cursed and put it in his front pocket. “Something tells me we shouldn’t go in.”
Ignoring him, Char opened the door. “Come on, grow a pair. It’s just a drug store. She could have gotten them a gift card or something and needed us to pick it up.”
Jake thought he should really learn to listen to that inner voice. You know, the one that screams
Instead of listening to his inner voice, he ignored it altogether, mainly because Char was walking in front of him and he found himself hypnotized by the sway of her hips. He could do nothing less than follow.
But he really should have stayed where he was.
He knew that the minute they walked into the store and he introduced himself.
“Oh!” Bob, the manager, held out his hand. “We’ve been waiting for you! Now I think I have everything your grandmother needed right here for that wedding night!” He winked.
Jake cringed.
Char looked into the basket.
She really shouldn’t have.
Bob, thinking she couldn’t see, dumped the contents of the basket onto the counter.
“Now.” Bob cleared his throat. “Your grandmother has expressed interest in grandchildren. This is the top of the line fertility test. It will of course show when the lovely lady…” he waved at Char, then looked back at Jake, “will be ovulating. Do you know how to use one of these, miss?”
Char’s eyes widened with horror. Her mouth opened and closed.
Jake laughed nervously. “She uh, I mean we will… figure it out.”
Char gave him a look that said
“Now these.” Bob pulled out a box of condoms and waved them in the air. “Oh wait, no that’s not right; they’re the wrong size.”
“We’ll take them.” Jake tried to put the condoms back in the basket but Bob jerked them away just in time.
“Now, young man.” Bob shook his finger in Jake’s face. “You know as well as I do how irresponsible it is to wear a condom that doesn’t exactly fit. Your grandmother and I have been over all your… issues. You need the right size—”
“Perfect!” Jake interrupted, feeling his face heat. “Those are perfect.” He reached for the box but Bob pulled it away and then called in to the intercom.
“Yeah, Stacey, can you run back to aisle three and grab the extra small Trojan box? A customer needs them.”
Good Lord above.
He was going to murder his grandmother.
Jake laughed nervously. “No really, it’s a joke. My grandmother’s joking. I’m not really… I mean, that’s not actually true. I’m not that size; I’m, I’m…” Well shit, what was he supposed to say?
Panicked, he looked to Char for help.
She snickered, then batted her eyelashes at Bob. No. Not a chance in hell she would throw him under the bus like that.
“Jake.” She purred, looping her arm within his. “We’ve talked about this at great length.” Shitty choice of words. “And we’re in agreement. You need to come to terms with your body image. Everyone has their… little, tiny, miniscule, shortcomings. Wouldn’t you say, Bob?”
“I do not have a small p—”
“Here they are!” A girl in her mid-twenties approached the register with the small box and glanced at Jake, then her eyes widened. “Jake? Jake Titus?”
Could a man die from embarrassment?
Stacey. He didn’t remember her name, but he remembered her face. Two months ago, bar in Belltown. What were the odds that the one girl in his life that he couldn’t actually perform for would be in this drugstore? At this moment.
That’s it. Grandma had put a microphone on his body. Somewhere. She was listening, always watching. Holy shit, she was working for NASA.
“You been good?” She played with the box, and then, seeming to remember she was holding it handed it over and paused. “Wait, these for you?”
Char reached for the box. “Yeah, they are. Right, Jakey?”
Jake could only nod while little parts of his manhood floated away before his very eyes. May as well go grab a Nicholas Sparks movie and sit at home with a bottle of wine and talk about his PMS.
He was done for.
“Well, uh.” Stacey started backing up slowly. Like any sane woman would when faced with this type of situation. No doubt she was thanking God for small favors as she disappeared down the aisle.
“Okay.” Bob clapped his hands. “Let see what else that treasure for a grandmother put on the list.”
“Yes.” Char grinned. “Let’s.”
“Really?” Jake ground out as he elbowed Char in the ribs. “A tiny problem? You know that’s not true. I mean, you really know that’s not true.”
She shrugged.
Damn it. You know a man’s desperate when he’s ready to strip his clothes down and flash the man at the drug store just to prove a point.
Either desperate or eager for prison.
Holy shit when would this day end?
“Ah, here we are.” Bob said, pulling out a small white bag with a prescription stapled to it. “This should help immensely. Now, be sure to only take it when you need it. If your erection lasts for longer than four hours, seek medical help immediately. But it should truly improve the honeymoon. If you get my meaning.” He winked at Char.
She giggled back.
“I don’t need that.” Jake crossed his arms.
“Your grandmother said—”
“She’s senile! Last week she wanted to do a Vegas show with tigers!” Jake yelled.
“Now son—”
“Jake.” Char patted his arm. “It’s okay to admit when you have a problem.”
Forcing himself to grin, he turned to Char. “You know what, sweetheart?”
Her eyes smiled. “What?”
“You’re right.”
