She sighed, but relaxed back and waited.
‘When pain is used strategically, endorphins are released and it actually heightens pleasure. It sounds like your first guy – what was his name anyway?’
‘Doug,’ she supplied.
‘OK, Doug, he understood this. Now, Trent, the dickhead, just wanted to hurt you. That you’d already had a pleasurable experience that involved pain and bondage is why you responded the way you did. Plus he obviously gave you a date rape drug to lower your inhibitions.’
‘They didn’t find any evidence of one when I went to the hospital.’ She didn’t look at him.
‘Doesn’t matter. Both roofies and GHB metabolise too quickly. Physical evidence is rarely found.’ At her sharp glance he shrugged and said, ‘What? I watched a
‘How can you be so certain that it isn’t depraved?’
‘Because I don’t believe we are set up to fail as human beings. Simple as that. I want to do the things to you that you say wanting to have done is a depraved act. I don’t think I’m depraved at all. I think I like to push the boundaries of sensual exploration and that – for me, anyway – involves pain. The key is to find someone with reciprocal desires. I’ve never forced anyone who didn’t want to experience it to go through it. I’m very capable of living without it, but strategic pain gives pleasure a dimension and depth unlike any I’ve experienced.
‘What your rapist did to you was perverted and depraved because he took an act that is intimate and sensual and turned into a violation of your will, body and psyche. That he did it in a way that lowered your inhibitions, and robbed you of a very real need to rage and be angry at his violation, is even worse.
‘You’ve internalised this, Bridget. You’re carrying all this on your shoulders when he was wrong. Not you. You need to put blame where it lies, on your rapist, not on you sharing a desire that hundreds of other people in this world share – including me.’
She was silent for a long time. He could see the wheels turning in her head and he wanted to argue more, try to force her to see things differently, but he knew he couldn’t do that. She would have to come to the understanding on her own.
Finally, she turned to him, saying, ‘You’ve given me a lot to think about.’
Her face was unreadable and she wasn’t making him feel altogether comfortable, but it was better than outright rejection.
‘That’s all I can ask for.’ He gathered up the dishes from the apple pie and put them into the sink. She followed him, bringing her wineglass and setting it on the counter.
He wanted her to stay with him tonight. He didn’t want her to leave, and allow distance to grow. This was important. They were on opposite sides of an argument right now and he didn’t want to give her the opportunity to twist this into an excuse to stop seeing him.
Taking the plunge, he said, ‘Stay here with me, Bridget. I don’t want you to go.’
‘I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.’ She bit her bottom lip, something he’d begun to realise meant indecision for her.
‘Look, I feel as if we just had a really hard conversation and I don’t want you to leave. I won’t try anything; I’d just really like to sleep with you in my arms. I’d like to wake up with you.’
‘I can’t.’ She looked unhappy. ‘I have to take care of Daisy. I can’t leave her by herself overnight.’
‘Let’s go get her.’
‘Seriously?’ The incredulous look on her face made him grin even as his chest lightened. He really did want her to stay.
‘Yes, seriously. She and Lotus took to each other and I want you here with me.’
She tilted her head to one side in that sexy, curious kitten way she had and he couldn’t help himself. He stepped forward, cupped her face in his palms, and kissed her.
It was a kiss filled with promises and declarations that were entirely too soon to make with any sanity, but that he felt in his heart nonetheless. Sometimes you just knew, and Connor was certain that no matter what happened between them, this woman would be a part of him for ever.
Chapter Twelve
Bridget awoke to the feel of Connor wrapped around her. She felt warm and safe and that was odd for her. She’d spent nights with the men she’d dated before, but they’d never felt safe. Not like this anyway. There was a tremendous comfort in having shared her darkest secret with Connor.
She wasn’t at all sure she agreed with him, but he’d definitely given her a different perspective. They hadn’t talked about it any more after he’d asked her to stay. Their conversation had been more mundane, full of the confessions and admissions that any two normal people would share in an attempt to fill in the gaps of understanding about a new person you were interested in.
They’d driven over to her house for her to grab some clothes and toiletries as well as collect Daisy. The two dogs had bonded immediately and had fallen asleep curled around each other on Lotus’s bed.
Sleeping with Connor hadn’t been half as awkward as she’d feared. They’d been up chatting and talking late into the night before exhaustion set in. As she’d changed into her pyjamas, she’d been worried about being uncomfortable or unable to sleep, but as soon as she’d climbed into bed with him, he’d kissed her gently on the forehead, snuggled in behind her spoon-like and been instantly asleep. She’d followed soon after.
She’d slept deeply and dreamlessly. She couldn’t remember the last time that had happened.
In the light of a new day, her mind still reeled from the things Connor had said to her. She’d never considered things from that perspective. She’d always assumed that having her rape turned against her like that was punishment for enjoying the things she and Doug had done together.
She’d been raised in a loving household, but sex was not something that was discussed. Her mother had never had “the talk” with her. She’d handed Bridget some pamphlets and told her to come to her with any questions. Everything Bridget had learned about sex had come from the romance novels she’d devoured in her teen years.
Her parents had not been demonstrative people. She’d never seen them be affectionate with each other. Her brother had once joked that they had to be the product of immaculate conceptions because he couldn’t imagine their meticulous mother allowing herself to get down and dirty. Bridget had agreed wholeheartedly. Her father’s answer to the sex talk was to say that if she ever allowed herself to get knocked up outside of marriage, he’d disown her.
In spite of their taciturn ways, she’d always known she was loved. They’d made sacrifices for her and her brother. Ensured they always had what they needed. That they didn’t get the words of love were something both she and Roy had learned to live with.
When Doug had suggested tying her up, it had seemed erotic and forbidden. The feeling of being helpless and at his will had been sexy and she’d loved every minute of it. When he’d added spanking to the repertoire it had made her feel wanton and just a bit dirty. The orgasms he’d given her had been off the chart.
She’d never questioned it until she was raped. That Trent had done the same things to her in such a vile way had caused her to see what she and Doug had done in a different light. One that had caused her such deep- seated shame that it affected every relationship she’d had since then. Hell, it had changed her entire sense of herself too.
She sighed deeply, feeling overcome by confusion. Had she given Trent too much power? She’d never truly been angry at him; she’d simply assumed she’d deserved it – a lesson to teach her the error of her ways.
Shit, had she been wrong all this time?
Turning over, she gazed at Connor. His face was even younger in sleep. The stubble on his cheeks gave him a rakish look and his arm was thrown back behind his head. Could he be right?
As if her thoughts had summoned him, Connor opened his eyes and looked directly into hers. They were warm grey in the morning light and a slow grin spread across his face.
‘Morning, gorgeous.’ His voice was husky with sleep.
‘Good morning.’ She smiled back.
He reached a hand up and cupped her cheek. At his touch, her insides went liquid. She watched his eyes
