The Saturday Boy

We didn’t get to go outside for recess because it was too cold and it had started to rain. I was at my desk drawing a picture of a giant robot fighting a T. rex when Barely O’Donahue walked by and bumped my desk on purpose so I’d mess up.

“Dude!”

“Budgie says he’s gonna punch you in the wiener because you told everyone about his nanny.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.”

“I didn’t tell you, did I?”

“No but—”

“Then how do you know?”

“Budgie told me.”

“Wow,” I said. “Big secret.”

Barely O’Donahue walked away and I went back to drawing. I was able to turn the mess-up he caused into a laser sword for the T. rex, which was actually pretty cool. I wasn’t that worried about Budgie punching me in the wiener because he’d have to sneak up on me to do it and I didn’t think he could. The universe had rules, after all. For example, two things couldn’t be in the same place at the same time, and there’s no such thing as a fat ninja.

Then, during reading block, it happened. Missy Sprout was reading out loud from a book and I didn’t have to listen to know it was about horses because books about horses are the only kind she reads. She may have read about unicorns once or twice but she wasn’t fooling anybody.

“Budgie!” said Ms. Dickson.

“What? I’m not doing anything,” said Budgie.

“Give me the note.”

“What note?”

“The note, Budgie,” said Ms. Dickson. “The one you were handing to Sally. Bring it to me, please.”

Everybody watched Budgie walk up and put a folded-up piece of paper in Ms. Dickson’s hand. Then he stood there with his back to the classroom and his head down. His ears had gone red. Ms. Dickson opened the note and read it to herself. Then she folded it up again and put it on her desk. She got a dry erase marker, went to the board, and wrote weener in big letters.

The boys all cracked up. Even some of the girls laughed, too. Missy Sprout just looked upset because she had to stop reading about horses for five seconds. Budgie made fists with his hands and I was pretty sure that if his ears got any redder they’d burst into flame. I bet he was wishing the floor would open up and swallow him whole. I knew that feeling. It wasn’t fun. I kinda felt bad for him.

“Can anyone tell me the correct spelling of this word?”

“Wiener,” said Violet. It was funny to hear a girl say it. “W-I-E-N-E-R. Wiener.”

Ms. Dickson wrote the right spelling on the board and then handed the marker to Budgie.

“Please copy this word twenty-five times using the correct spelling, please.”

Budgie didn’t say anything. He just went to the board and started copying while most of the class laughed. Missy Sprout wasn’t laughing. And this time I wasn’t, either.

* * *

Mom was up when I got home. She was in her bathrobe, drinking tea at the kitchen table with Aunt Josie. Her hair was back and I could tell she’d been crying because her eyes were puffy and a little bit red.

“Mom!”

I ran over and gave her a big hug. I put my face against her neck the way I used to when I was little and closed my eyes tight. She hugged me back and put her fingers in my hair. We squeezed and squeezed.

“Piggy, did you wear a hat today?”

“I kinda forgot,” I said. “But Aunt Josie didn’t—”

“Don’t blame Aunt Josie when it’s your job to remember. I’m just glad you didn’t lose another hat.”

“Come on, that only happened that one…” I stopped and thought for a second. “Those two—three times.”

“Derek, you know hats cost money,” Mom said. “And money doesn’t grow on trees.”

“I know,” I said. “Same as hot dogs.”

“Hot dogs?” said Aunt Josie.

“When Derek was four he planted a cocktail wienie in the backyard because he thought it was a hot dog seed.”

This one time at lunch, a kid named Rufus Hornblower laughed so hard that milk came out his nose. I didn’t know it could happen with tea. I don’t think Aunt Josie knew it either because she looked really surprised. She put her mug down quickly and grabbed a bunch of napkins and wiped her face and the front of her shirt.

“Oh my God! That’s—why am I just hearing about this now?”

“I never told you?” said Mom. She smiled and even laughed a little.

“No. I would have remembered that. Believe me.”

I smiled, too, and not just because Mom did but also because it was pretty hilarious seeing Aunt Josie shoot tea out of her nose. It was almost as funny as the time a couple weeks ago when Budgie dropped the dry erase marker at the board and split his pants bending over to get it. And if that hadn’t been enough, Ms. Dickson made him stand in the supply closet in his underwear while she fixed his pants with a stapler.

“What? I thought I could grow a hot dog tree,” I said. Then from over Mom’s shoulder I noticed the garbage can was out and it was full of broken stuff. “What happened to all the dishes?”

Aunt Josie looked at Mom. Then she looked at me.

“It was an accident,” she said. “I was emptying the dishwasher and—”

“But they’re like… all broken.”

“It was an accident,” said Mom in a tiny voice I barely heard.

She didn’t say anything after that. Aunt Josie didn’t say anything either but she reached over and put her hand on Mom’s arm. It was quiet for what seemed like a really long time. Then Mom closed her eyes and took a deep breath and let it out slowly. When she opened them they were wet. She looked at Aunt Josie for a second and then back at me.

“Derek… your father…”

“Will he be home for Christmas?”

The words just came out. I’d learned not to hope too much for Dad to be home for birthdays or Thanksgivings or things like that because when I did, I always ended up disappointed, but he hadn’t been here for Christmas since I was five and this time I was in a play and everything. It was like if he could just be here for this Christmas I could forget all of the other stuff.

Mom shook her head and closed her eyes tight but tears came out anyway. She wiped them off and cleared her throat and looked at me.

“I don’t think so,” she said, hugging me so tight I almost couldn’t breathe. Her whole body was shaking.

“But maybe?”

“Your father is… he’s…”

“What’s wrong?”

“I, um… nothing.” She shook her head. “I just really miss him. That’s all.”

“I miss him, too,” I said. “Hey, can I tell you something?”

“You can tell me anything, Piglet.”

“There’s gonna be a special episode of Zeroman soon where Dr. Mayhem finally takes over the world only it’s longer than a regular episode and it’s on past my bedtime but can I please stay up and watch it, please?”

“I don’t know, Derek. Can you ask me again later?”

“Yeah. Oh and also? Can you let me go now because I really hafta go pee and your squeezing is kinda making it come out a little.”

She let me go and I took off for the bathroom. I had to go so bad I didn’t even take time to close the door even though Mom says it’s rude to go with it open. I’m usually pretty good about it but this time it was an