Inbetween

I nodded and forced myself to look away. I already knew that part. I knew because it was still inside me, filling up my heart, making it feel like it was ready to explode being this close to him.

“Anything else?” His voice sounded gruff.

“Why me?” I finally decided to ask. “What made me different?”

“Before you, there was only dark.” He stopped, but his voice was still unsteady when he started again. “You lit up my whole world, like the sun bursting through the clouds on a stormy day. You made me remember what it was like to feel alive. You made me believe I was something more than death. You made me believe in something that I didn’t think existed anymore.”

My heart pounded in my chest, a steady beat that thudded harder with each passing second that he wasn’t touching me. I’d never wanted anyone to touch me as badly as I wanted Finn to in that moment. “Could you touch me right now if you wanted to?” I asked in a shaky voice.

He raked his hands through his hair and tugged. “Don’t ask me to do that. Not now. I’m too messed up to think straight and there are rules…”

He sounded torn, but for once, I didn’t want to think about what was right—I wanted him. Whatever that meant. There were too many memories in my mind. I didn’t want memories. I wanted the real thing. Here. Now. Finn jumped off the bed and started to pace, his jaw clenched in restraint, the muscles in his forearms flexing. I hauled myself up behind him, heart in my throat, but pain throbbed through the stitches in my neck and leg. I gave up and leaned against the bed.

“Don’t leave. I won’t ask again. I pro—” I stopped when I heard it. Static electricity seemed to crackle in the air between us, then the floorboards under Finn’s shoes groaned with his weight. He took a deep, shaky breath, and his gaze…

His gaze looked reckless. And then-He kissed me.

I froze as his warm, solid lips pressed against mine. This…this couldn’t be happening. Finn was kissing me, really kissing me. My lips parted in surprise, my neck stinging, but the pain was worth it.

He moaned against my mouth, and the sound ran through my body like fire in gasoline. One of his hands slid down my jaw, cradling my face to deepen the kiss. The other hand brushed down my ribs to touch the bare strip of skin where my shirt rode up. My arms wound around his back to close any space left between us.

His weight made me stumble against the bed and I winced, pain shooting up my leg as though I’d been stabbed all over again. Finn jerked away, but his hands held me in place. “Oh God…did I hurt—” I pulled him back to me and sealed our lips, trapping the rest of his words inside. It did hurt.

Everything did, but I didn’t care. Finn’s lips worked against mine and he shuddered, his hands careful of all the places that hurt.

“God,” he groaned resting his forehead against mine, shaking. “I want to feel this, Emma. I want to feel you, and I can’t.”

I frowned, but he kissed me again as if he could will himself to be alive and held my head in place, giving my neck the support it needed. I wanted him to be able to feel me, too. Wanted him to feel the fire in his veins like I did, and didn’t understand why he couldn’t.

All at once, there wasn’t room for any of the anger or the hurt over the lies. There was only room for Finn. The memories of this might have been good, but they were nothing compared to the real thing. His hands settled on my hips, gripping my flesh like he wanted more of me than he could get.

“Finn,” I whispered against his kiss, needing so much. Too much. I never wanted this to end. My hands slid around to his back, and his body slowly softened. Melted into a cool vapor against my skin.

A burst of energy ripped us apart and he scattered into a thousand particles before he managed to pull himself back together. Once he was solid again he reached for me, but his hand turned to vapor against my skin.

“Damn it,” he said, dropping his hand. “I can’t…I can’t keep it together.”

Pain seared my neck and my need for Finn took my breath away. I reached for his shimmering form, needing to feel him again, but all that was left was a translucent version of the boy I loved. I clutched my chest where it hurt, and a choked sob ripped its way out of my throat.

“Emma, stop…don’t cry,” he pleaded. His gentle fingers, their breathy warmth touching my face, only made it worse.

“It’s not enough,” I cried, unable to stop myself. “This will never be enough.”

It hurt, loving him like this. It hurt knowing everything about our past, but knowing we didn’t have a future. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up to find it all a dream, because this kind of pain was going to kill me long before Maeve ever could. I wanted so many things I couldn’t have. I wanted him to be alive.

His eyes raked over me, a desperation in them that I’d never seen before. “Did you say Cash was drinking tonight?”

I nodded. Finn hopped up and went to the window. “If Cash comes to your window, let him in.”

I could barely see the fading shimmer of his outline in the moonlight. “What are you going to do?”

He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “Just let him in.” With that he dissolved through the wall and into the darkness, leaving me aching and alone.

Chapter 31

Finn I didn’t think. I just moved. Kept moving until I was sinking into a bleary-minded Cash, who was sitting on his sofa strumming a soft tune on his guitar. If I thought about it, I’d remember what I said to Scout that night on the mountain, and what a disgusting excuse for a person I’d become the second I decided to do this. I told myself I didn’t have time to think about it, but as the dizziness swept through me from the feel of new blood rushing through my veins, not thinking was impossible.

Seeing Emma crumble, hearing her cry that what we had wasn’t enough, shattered what was left of my already shattered soul. I thought about the look in her eyes, the eagerness of her kisses, the way her hands seemed desperate to touch every part of me… I hadn’t been able to feel any of it. Not the heat of her skin against mine or the taste of her kiss. Going corporeal, risking everything to be with her—it was nowhere near enough to fill the gaping hole in my chest that cracked open when I stumbled into her room tonight. I hoped I had enough time to at least get Cash over there before Balthazar sent Easton to drag me to Hell. Even if the idea of me in her best friend’s body freaked her out, I didn’t want to leave her alone.

And I was going to Hell, all right. At least Easton and Anaya would watch over Emma after this.

Anaya would for sure. Easton would probably be too pissed off at first, but Anaya would never let an innocent like Emma die. Especially not knowing what she meant to me.

I set the guitar on the floor and stood up, stumbling into the table in front of me as I worked out how to use my new legs. I felt like I was made of rubber, bending and wobbly in all the places that should have been supporting my weight. Disoriented, I shook my head. Things began to focus but when I spotted the empty beer cans on the coffee table I figured out the root cause of most of my problem.

“Where are you going? It’s freaking cold out there,” a blond kid slurred from a recliner in the corner of the room. I paused at the door and looked back at him, surprised for some reason that he could actually see me.

“I’m going to Emma’s.” My mouth snapped shut involuntarily when I realized it was the sound of Cash’s voice instead of mine. Damn it, this was weird. And if I thought about it much more, I wouldn’t be able to go through with it.

“Dude! What’s up with your eyes?” The kid sat up and squinted at me. “They’re green. Like, crazy green, man.”

Not wanting to open that can of worms, I stumbled outside. It was eerily quiet this time of night. No crickets, no hiss of tires gliding along the icy streets. Just the sound of Cash’s boots crunching through the freshly packed snow that spanned from his house to Emma’s. When I rounded the corner, I could see her. Her window was open and her face was there, scanning the darkness for me.

I stopped just short of the light spilling out onto the snow and watched her. Her face was flushed, her cheeks and nose pink from the cold. Her pale blond hair looked almost white in the moonlight, and her blue eyes