I love you with all of my heart and I hope you still love me.
Please call me so that we can talk about this.
Danny x
Silent tears are running down my face when I look up at Connie. She pulls a tissue from the box on the side table and hands it to me. I wipe my eyes and sit staring into nothingness. How can I believe him?
“What do you think, darling?” Connie utters beside me.
I shrug and shake my head, there are no words, I’m utterly empty.
I glance back at the screen. He sent it the day of the accident.
“He seems sincere.” She offers. “There are more, are you going to open them?”
I click on the next one.
28th May 2012
Liv,
Please, talk to me. You’re not answering my calls. I know you’re hurt but we have to talk about this.
I miss you.
Danny. x
Then I click on the next one.
30th May 2012
I can’t stand not hearing your voice. Please pick up. I love you x
30th May 2012
I think about you every minute of every day. I should be with you, this is killing me. Please talk to me. X
30th May 2012
Liv,
I wish you had confronted me that day, you would have seen that I had nothing to hide and we would be together right now. Instead, we are apart and I can’t get through to you. You’re hurting and there is nothing I can do to make it better. Please, give me the chance to try. I know I can make you happy.
Danny x
“I need to lie down,” I say, making a start on standing up. There are more, at least one for each day since, but probably more. I expect they all say the same thing, but I’ve heard enough.
Connie bolts up and pulls the computer out of the way, while I get my crutches organised. Slowly I hop to the bedroom.
Connie follows me in and sets my coffee down on the bedside table. She hands me the phones. I sigh, they are like a millstone around my neck. She sits on the edge of my bed and strokes my forehead.
“Do you want me to stay with you?” she asks. I shake my head. “Well call one of us if you need anything and don’t forget your tablets.”
“Okay,” I mutter. She leaves me alone and I just stare at the ceiling.
Danny's words spin around my head. I just can't deal with any of this right now. If he knew what had happened to me he might give me a break. But the chances are he would use my vulnerability against me. Why is he pursuing me this hard now, after I meant so little to him that he would cheat on me? The image of them together in my dream comes into my mind and I sob. I’m so glad I didn't see it for real, the knowledge is painful enough.
When Max came up to see how I was later, he found me in the dark and in pain because I’d forgotten my medication. Once that pain takes hold, or gets ahead of you as the doctor termed it, it’s really hard to get back on top of it. Max forced me out of bed and sorted me out then, while I was waiting for the medication to kick in, he distracted me from the pain by making me talk. At first I didn’t want to talk about it, I was still angry that he seemed to have spoken to Danny and was convinced he had fallen for the lies. But since reading Danny’s emails, all of them... I succumbed and finished reading them...I haven’t felt so, so…Oh, let’s face it, I’ve softened. This is the reason I was so determined not to hear him out.
Chapter Six
Liv
Let’s get a few things straight shall we?
Mum came home from LA on Sunday night and after spending Monday at home doing her washing, she came to see me on Tuesday. After sitting with her and Connie for a morning, I felt so claustrophobic. Not because I don’t love them both, I really do, but I had severe cabin fever. So when Mum suggested that I come back to Brighton with her for a few days, I jumped at the chance. I switched off my answer machine and left my laptop behind. I did take my phone at Max’s insistence, but kept it on silent. I guess Max must have told Danny I went away, because he didn’t bother me. There were no emails and only two missed calls.
I went through it all again with Mum. She confessed that she went round to see Danny to have it out with him, but he wasn’t home. She tried a couple of times but had no luck. She was sympathetic to my point of view, but I could just tell that she thought exactly the same as Max and Connie. In the end, I refused to talk about it anymore. I had a quiet, relaxing couple of days, sat in Mum’s garden mostly. She pushed me along the seafront and we drank coffee and window shopped. If I wasn’t a desperately sad singleton, recovering from the loss of the love of my life and my independence, I would have thoroughly enjoyed myself.
Mum dropped me home this morning and, as if he were telepathic, Danny emailed me first thing. I ignored it for as long as I could. I had coffee with Connie, brunch with Max and then I sat downstairs for as long as possible, but the Friday lunch rush was a bit busier than normal and I had to vacate my booth. Max stowed me upstairs again in my prison, but then he had to go as they needed him downstairs. I put on a film to distract me, I tapped and I pondered, but in the end I had to read the email. He is getting under my skin and it’s infuriating.
8th June
Dear Liv,
I forced myself not to email you for a couple of days. I felt like you needed a break, but it was hard. I miss you.
Life isn’t the same without you. I miss your smile, your voice, your beautiful face, your touch, the fun we have, the way you make me feel. I miss everything about you.
I have so many plans for the future and they all involve us being together. I was packed and ready to be with you, do you really think I would risk all that for some final fling? Never. As long as I live I will never want anyone else. It has always been that way. Why do you think I’ve never settled down?
Losing you before was the worst experience of my life and now I'm living it all over again. Except this time I'm not quitting. I love you too much.
I don’t expect you to reply, but when you are ready I will be here.
I love you xxx
Okay, there is nothing new there, but each time he finds a new and believable way to say it. He hasn't over explained it either, he told me what happened once and hasn’t kept going over it. Every other email is just about his feelings. You might say that if he was guilty, he would keep explaining himself. I can't deny that I’m starting to think that there is more to this than I wanted to believe.
Max still hasn’t told me what was said, or who instigated their contact. But it’s clear that he’s willing to give Danny the benefit of the doubt and, despite my determination, I can see why. Max has made some compelling points in Danny’s favour and I would have to agree with each of them. However, I refuse to overlook some of my own points and this maintains my state of anger and devastation. First and foremost, Danny bought that bitch jewellery, so no matter what he says about the events of that night, something was still going on between them. When I mentioned this to Max, he seemed to want to argue, but didn’t have anything. How can you argue with the facts? He quickly stopped trying. Then, the fact that Connie asked him to look me up in the first place is a huge issue, because it means that he never would have done so of his own accord.
Those things plus the image of her undressing for him will never go from my head, so I don’t see how, or indeed why, I should get past it. His explanations don’t make any difference to whether I trust him or not. I check my watch. 15:45, it should be quieter now, I text Max, hoping he can break this perpetual thought cycle.
