“I’m hardly running a marathon down here, I’m sitting,” I say, sounding like a sulky teenager.
“You know what I mean. You are supposed to have your foot up.”
I point at my foot on the bench seat and give a little ‘see’ look. “I’m wearing the only trousers I have left that I can get over this monstrosity. I need to go shopping. I’m going to ring Connie and ask her nicely to wheel me to the centre, so I can buy some more.”
“I’ll take you,” he says.
“No, I need you here,” I say firmly.
“I told you, they have things all organised here, so that I can look after you. The only reason I’m down here now is because I didn’t think you were talking to me. But I was lurking in case you needed anything.”
I take his hand in mine and smile. “Of course I’m talking to you,” I say softly. “I just don’t want to talk about ‘that’.”
Max sighs. “Right, so where are we going?” he says with slight reluctance. I know he won’t just give up, but I’m grateful for the reprieve.
“Ultra-glam…The sports shop. I need more of these.” I point to my trackies and take a sip of my coffee. “Can we have some breakfast first though? I’m hungry.”
“Certainly Madame, what can I get for you?”
I can feel Max grinning as he pushes me through the door of the lift in the shopping centre. He’s loving this. Luckily the crowd is very sparse on a Monday morning, so I doubt we will run into anyone we know. In addition to delighting in my embarrassment, he has somewhere to hang his shopping, so he can go on forever. We got some tracksuit bottoms for me and some expensive trainers for him. I spent a ridiculous amount of money on skin care products, which really isn’t me, but as I’ve nothing much else to do, I thought I should at least start moisturising. We stop at the book shop and Max insists I buy the Fifty Shades trilogy to keep me occupied. Normally I would have no time to read, but I’m fairly free these days. Then we stop for a coffee in the new coffee shop at the bottom of the hill. Nice, but they're beginners, nothing I will lose any sleep over.
When we get back to the diner, Connie is sitting at the counter, waiting.
“You should have called me, I could have taken you,” she says.
“No, it’s fine, Max fancied a spot of shopping anyway.” Max pushes me back to where I was sitting earlier and I ease in, while he collapses the wheelchair and stows it in the back.
“I’ll just put all this upstairs, then I’ll come back for you,” he says.
I nod and turn to Connie as she sits opposite.
“So you two have made up?” she asks.
“We didn’t really fall out, but yes, we’re okay, so long as we steer away from certain subjects.”
“He only wants what is best for you.”
“I don’t want to talk about it with you either.” I warn.
“Darling, there is only one person you should talk to about it and you know that,” she says, reaching for my hand. I don’t offer it. “I was up there earlier, looking for you, he called and left a message. He sounds desperate. Maybe you should hear him out.”
“He calls about three times an hour,” I say. “I don’t think I can take much more.'
“Then tell him to stop.”
“I can’t answer,” I admit quietly. “I don’t trust myself.”
“You don’t trust yourself?
“I’m too vulnerable, I can’t give him an inch, he’ll be able to walk all over me.”
“Maybe he won’t. Have you looked at your emails yet? He was asking you to look at them. Maybe he has explained himself,” she says gently.
I shake my head.
“But you want to?”
I slowly nod. “God, I’m so weak.” I sigh, dropping my face into my hands.
“Right, I’m coming up with you, we are going to do this right now, no more hiding. I’ll hold your hand.” She says with purpose, getting to her feet.
“Where are we going?” Max asks, back down to help me.
“Liv and I are going upstairs for a little girl time.” She winks at me.
I subtly brush a single tear from my cheek as I slide to the edge of the seat. I allow Max to help me stand, but then insist on getting myself up the stairs.
Once on the sofa, I settle myself in and Max brings us coffees. Then he makes his excuses and leaves us to it.
“I don’t think I can do this,” I admit to Connie.
“You have to, or he will never leave you alone. At least you can hear what he has to say without actually talking to him.”
I lean forward and pull his computer over so that it’s hovering over my lap. I’ve seen him switch it on before, so I reach behind and feel for the button. The screen comes on and, while I wait, I feel sick. The desktop appears and I wait for everything to load up. The email icon shows 348 messages. Hopefully not all from Danny. I click it. Scrolling through the messages, the first few are irrelevant. So I search for his name in the bar at the top. A new list appears and there are several. I scroll down to the first unread one and, with a deep breath, I open it. Connie holds my hand.
28th May 2012
Liv,
Please call me. I need to talk to you.
28th May 2012
Nothing happened I swear, please talk to me, we can straighten this out.
D x
28th May 2012
Dear Liv,
I really didn't want to do this by email, but you're leaving me no choice. I have to explain.
It has been over a week since you left. I’m sorry that I’m only just trying to contact you. I’m sorry I didn’t chase you…I’m just sorry. I thought you left because you didn’t love me. I was devastated. I realise now why you left and, although I wish you thought more of me, I know that you not trusting me is totally my fault. I want to tell you what really happened that night. I know you don’t want to hear me out and that you have already decided for yourself what happened, but I have to try.
After I took you to your sister’s place, I finished packing and ran a few errands. I felt like you were still punishing me for not being honest with you about Brooke. But I knew once we got home to the UK we could put it behind us. I hated the idea of meeting you at the party, but I agreed because I wanted you to spend some time with your family before we left.
After I finished up, I took a shower. When I came out of the bathroom, Brooke was lying on my bed in nothing but her underwear and some slutty heels. It turns out, she stole a spare key that day she came by and cried on my doorstep. She had every intention of using it to try and seduce me or break us up, or something. Fuck knows what goes on in that girl’s head.
I freaked. I told her to get out. We yelled at each other back and forth, and I threatened to call the cops and report her for breaking and entering. I even dialled the number. In the end, though, I managed to get her out the door and I told her if she didn’t leave us alone I would report her to the cops and the school board and she would lose her job.
After she left, the first thing I did was call you. I promised to be completely honest, so I didn’t hesitate in calling you to tell you what had just happened. You didn’t pick up though and I haven’t heard your voice since.
When I couldn’t reach you, I went to the party as planned, but you didn’t show up. I was frantic with worry at first. But then Grace called to say they found your note. I was devastated, I thought, well it’s not important what I thought. It was all self-pity. But I was wrong. You didn’t leave because of how you felt about me. You left because you thought I cheated on you. I completely understand.
But I’m going to make you trust me again. Nothing happened with Brooke. I don’t know what you saw, but I do know you didn’t see me do anything wrong because I didn’t. I would never do anything to jeopardise what I have with you. I want to grow old with you.
