Losing Hope

We stand silently for several awkward seconds and she still doesn’t invite us in. Daniel leans his head toward mine. “Hold me. I’m scared.”

The door widens and Breckin replaces his mother after she turns and walks away. He’s now the one eyeing Daniel suspiciously. “I’m definitely not doing you any favors,” Breckin says to him.

Daniel turns to face me, shooting me a quizzical look. “It’s Friday night and you bring me to powder puff’s house?” He shakes his head disappointedly. “What the hell has happened to us, man? What the hell have these bitches done to us?”

I look at Breckin and nudge my head sympathetically in Daniel’s direction. “Girl trouble. I thought some Modern Warfare could help.”

Breckin sighs, rolls his eyes, then steps aside to let us in. We make our way inside and Breckin closes the door behind us, then stops in front of Daniel. “You call me powder puff again and my new second-best friend ever in the whole wide world will kick your ass.”

Daniel grins, then cuts his eyes to mine. We have one of our silent conversations where he tells me this kid isn’t half bad. I smile, completely agreeing with him.

* * *

“Let me get this straight,” Breckin says, trying to clarify the confession Daniel just made. “You don’t even know what the girl looked like?”

Daniel smiles boastfully. “No clue.”

“What was her name?” I ask.

He shrugs. “No clue.”

Breckin sets down his game controller and turns to face Daniel. “How the hell did you end up in the maintenance closet with her?”

Daniel’s face is still awash with a smug grin. He seems so proud of it, I’m shocked this is the first time he’s mentioned it to me.

“Funny story, really,” he says. “Last year I was never assigned a fifth-period class. It was a mistake on administration’s part, but I didn’t want them to know. Every day during fifth period while everyone else went to their scheduled classes, I would hide out in the janitor’s closet and nap. They never cleaned that section of the hallway until after school, so no one ever went in there.

“I guess it was about six or seven months ago, right before the end of the school year, I was having one of my fifth-period naps and all of a sudden someone opens the door, slips inside, and trips over me. I couldn’t see who she was because I always kept the lights out, but she landed right on top of me. We were in this really compromising position and she smelled really good and she didn’t weigh very much, so I didn’t mind her landing on me. I wrapped my arms around her and made no attempt to roll her off me because she felt so damn good. She was crying, though,” he says, losing some of the excitement in his eyes. He leans back in his chair and continues. “I asked her what was wrong and all she said was, ‘I hate them.’ I asked her who she hated and she said, ‘Everybody. I hate everybody.’ The way she said it was just heartbreaking and I felt bad for her and her breath smelled so fucking good and I knew exactly what she meant because I hate everyone, too. So I kept my arms wrapped around her and I said, ‘I hate everybody, too, Cinderella.’ We were still in . . .”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Breckin says, interrupting the story. “You called her Cinderella? What the hell for?”

Daniel shrugs. “We were in a janitor’s closet. I didn’t know her name and there were all these mops and brooms and shit and it reminded me of Cinderella, okay? Give me a break.”

“But why would you even call her anything?” Breckin asks, not understanding Daniel’s penchant for random nicknames.

Daniel rolls his eyes. “I didn’t know her fucking name, Einstein! Now stop interrupting me, I’m just now getting to the good part.” He leans forward again. “So I said to her, ‘I hate everybody, too, Cinderella.’ We were still in the same position and it was dark and to be honest, it was really kinda hot. You know, not knowing who she was or what she looked like. Sort of mysterious. Then she just laughs and leans forward and kisses me. Of course I kissed her back because I’d already finished my nap and we still had about fifteen minutes to kill. We kissed for the rest of the period. That’s all we did. We never spoke another word and we never did more than just kiss. When the bell rang, she hopped up and walked out. I didn’t even see what she looked like.”

He’s staring at the floor, smiling. I’ve honestly never seen him talk about a girl like this before. Not even Val.

“But I thought you said she was the best sex you ever had?” Breckin says, bringing us back to the point that started this whole conversation.

Daniel grins boastfully again. “She was. Turns out I wasn’t hard to find after that. She showed up again a week later. The closet light was out like always and she walked in and shut the door behind her. She was crying again. She said, ‘Are you in here, kid?’ The way she called me kid made me think she might have been a teacher and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t turn me on. Then one thing led to another and let’s just say I became her Prince Charming for the rest of the hour. And that was the best sex I ever had.”

Breckin and I both laugh.

“So who was she?” I ask.

Daniel shrugs. “I never found out. She never showed up again after that and school ended a few weeks later. Then I met Val and my life spiraled out of control.” He exhales a deep rush of air, then turns to face Breckin. “Is it racist of me to not really want to hear about your gay sex?”

Breckin laughs and throws his game controller at Daniel. “Racist isn’t the correct term, dipshit. Homophobic and discriminatory, yes. And understandable. I wouldn’t tell you, anyway.”

Daniel looks at me. “I don’t even have to guess who you’ll say was your best,” he says. “The way Sky has you broken right now, I think it’s pretty obvious.”

I shake my head. “Well, you’re wrong, because not only did I never have sex with her, but we never even kissed.”

Daniel laughs but Breckin doesn’t and neither do I, which quickly shuts Daniel up. “Please tell me you’re kidding.”

I shake my head.

Daniel stands up and tosses his controller onto the bed. “How the hell have you not kissed her?” he says, raising his voice. “Because the way you’ve been acting this month had me thinking she was the fucking love of your life.”

I cock my head. “Why do you seem pissed off by this?”

He rolls his head. “Seriously?” He stalks toward me and bends forward, placing his hands on either side of my chair. “Because you’re being a pussy. P-U-S-S-Y.” He lets go of my chair and backs up. “Jesus, Holder. I was actually feeling sorry for you. Suck it up, man. Go to her house and fucking kiss her already and allow yourself to be happy for once.”

He drops down onto the bed and grabs his controller. Breckin smiles a tight-lipped smile and shrugs. “I don’t really like your friend, but he does make a good point. I still don’t understand why you got so mad at her and walked away, but the only way to make it up to her is to not stay away.” He turns back toward the TV and I’m staring at both of them, completely speechless.

They make it sound so simple. They make it sound so easy, like her whole life isn’t hanging in the balance. They don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.

“Take me home,” I say to Daniel. I don’t want to be here anymore. I walk out of Breckin’s bedroom and make my way back to Daniel’s car.

Chapter Thirty-two

Les,

Everyone likes to have an opinion, don’t they? Daniel and Breckin have no clue what I’ve been through. What either of us has been through.

Fuck it. I don’t even feel like telling you about it.