Losing Hope

her down on top of the bar so that we’re at eye level. She may not believe the words that come out of my mouth, but I need her to feel me. I need her to see the sincerity in my eyes and the honesty in my voice so she’ll know I didn’t mean to hurt her. I only wanted to protect her from feeling this way, but I’ve only made it worse.

“Babe, I screwed up. I’ve screwed up more than once with you, I know that. But believe me, what happened at lunch that day wasn’t jealousy or anger or anything that should ever scare you. I wish I could tell you what happened, but I can’t. Someday I will, but I can’t right now and I need you to accept that. Please. And I’m not apologizing to you, because I don’t want you to forget what happened and you should never forgive me for it. Ever. Never make excuses for me, Sky.”

She’s taking in every word I’m saying and I love that about her. I lean in and kiss her, then pull back and continue saying what I need to say while she’s still willing to hear me out.

“I told myself to just stay away from you and let you be mad at me, because I do have so many issues that I’m not ready to share with you yet. And I tried so hard to stay away, but I can’t. I’m not strong enough to keep denying whatever this is we could have. And yesterday in the lunchroom when you were hugging Breckin and laughing with him? It felt so good to see you happy, Sky. But I wanted so bad to be the one who was making you laugh like that. It was tearing me up inside that you were thinking that I didn’t care about us, or that spending that weekend with you wasn’t the best weekend I’ve ever had in my life. Because I do care and it was the best. It was the best fucking weekend in the history of all weekends.”

I run my hands down her hair to the base of her neck and brush her jawline with my thumbs. I have to take in a calming breath to say what I want to say next, because I don’t want to scare her. I just need to be honest with her.

“It’s killing me, Sky,” I say quietly. “It’s killing me because I don’t want you to go another day without knowing how I feel about you. And I’m not ready to tell you I’m in love with you, because I’m not. Not yet. But whatever this is I’m feeling—it’s so much more than just like. It’s so much more. And for the past few weeks I’ve been trying to figure it out. I’ve been trying to figure out why there isn’t some other word to describe it. I want to tell you exactly how I feel but there isn’t a single goddamned word in the entire dictionary that can describe this point between liking you and loving you, but I need that word. I need it because I need you to hear me say it.”

I kiss her and pull back, but she’s still looking at me in disbelief. I kiss her again and again, pausing after each kiss, hoping she’ll respond with something. I don’t care if she slaps me or kisses me back or tells me she loves me. I just want her to acknowledge everything I said. Instead, she’s just staring at me and it’s making me so damn nervous.

“Say something,” I plead.

She continues to stare at me for a long time. I try to stay patient. She’s always patient with me even though she’s so quick-witted. What I wouldn’t give for her to be a little more quick-witted in this moment. I need a reaction from her.

Something. Anything.

“Living,” she finally whispers.

That’s not what I expected to come out of her mouth, but at least it’s something. I laugh and shake my head, confused about what she means. “What?”

“Live. If you mix the letters up in the words like and love, you get live. You can use that word.”

Not only does she get me and not only is she smiling at me; but she just somehow gave me the one word I’ve been searching for since the moment I laid eyes on her in the grocery store.

I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve her understanding and I sure as hell don’t deserve the way she just made my heart feel. I laugh and take her in my arms, bringing my mouth to hers. “I live you, Sky,” I say against her lips. “I live you so much.”

And as perfect as that word sounds, as perfectly as it describes the point we’re at, I know it’s a lie.

I don’t just live her. I love her. I’ve loved her since we were kids.

Chapter Thirty-four

Les,

I’m not reading that letter. I’m never reading it. Ever. And I’m done writing in this fucking notebook. So I guess that means I’m done writing to you, too.

H

Chapter Thirty-five

The phone rings and before I can even say hello, Daniel starts talking. “Do you and cheese tits want to come over and watch a movie with me and Val tonight?”

“I thought you broke up with Val.”

“Not today,” Daniel says.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” I’ve heard enough about Val to know that I’m not sure I feel comfortable taking Sky over there. We’ve only been dating two weeks.

“It is a good idea,” Daniel argues. “My parents leave at eight. Be here at eight- oh-one.”

He hangs up abruptly, so I text Sky.

Want to watch a movie with Daniel and Val tonight?

I hit send and toss my phone on the bed. I walk to my closet to inspect my shirt selection, but then I remember that I don’t really have much of a shirt selection. I grab a random T-shirt and am pulling it on over my head when Sky’s text sounds off.

Two conditions. (Per Karen.) I have to be home by midnight and you can’t get me pregnant.

I laugh and text her back.

Considering how boring you are, I’m pretty sure you’ll be home in less than an hour.

Does that mean you’re still gonna try to get me pregnant, though?

Damn straight.

Laugh out loud.

She actually typed laugh out loud.

I really do lol, then I put my phone in my pocket and head to my car.

* * *

I’ve never really had a conversation with Val before and tonight is no exception. Sky and I are on the couch in front of the TV in Daniel’s basement. Daniel and Val are in the chair and they’re completely mauling each other, making me question why Daniel would even want us here in the first place if this is all they’re gonna do.

Sky and I are watching them uncomfortably. It’s hard to pay attention to the TV when there’s actual slurping occurring.

The second Daniel’s hand begins to slip up Val’s shirt, I toss the remote at them, hitting Daniel in the knee. He jumps and lifts his hand to flip me off, but never breaks contact with Val’s mouth. He does somehow glance at me, though, and I silently tell him to get the hell out of his basement, or get the hell out of her shirt.

He stands up and Val is now wrapped around him. They say nothing as he carries her up the stairs and to his bedroom.

“Thank you,” Sky says, breathing a sigh of relief. “I was about to hurl.”

She’s curled up beside me on the couch with her head resting on my shoulder. I ease myself down into the couch so that we’re more comfortable, and we both look back at the TV. But I know we aren’t really paying attention to it because the energy in the room completely shifted the second Daniel and Val left. We haven’t had