Losing Hope

Les,

I know I said I wasn’t writing to you anymore. Shut up. I’m still not writing in that notebook because I don’t want to touch it, knowing that letter from you is in there. I can’t read it, so I just bought a new notebook. Problem solved. Now I need to catch you up.

I’ve been dating Sky for a month now. She still hasn’t had any recollection of me or you or all of us as kids. I keep catching myself almost slipping up, but luckily I haven’t.

Remember that guy I got arrested for beating up last year? The one who was talking shit about you? Well, his brother finally said something to me today. I’ve been waiting for him . . . or anyone, really . . . to bring it up since the day I got back to school. It would have been fine had he just confronted me, but he didn’t. He had to use Sky and Breckin and even you as a way to get back at me. He started talking shit about them to me at lunch and I swear to God, Les. I wanted to hurt him just as badly as I hurt his brother. Actually, I probably would have hurt him worse than I hurt his brother had Sky not been there.

She saw where my mind was going and she immediately pulled me out of the situation, forcing me out of the lunchroom. When we made it to my car in the parking lot I just completely broke down on her. It was like the entire past year of my life was repeatedly punching me in the gut and I just had to get it out. I told Sky everything I was feeling and for the first time since it happened . . . I admitted to myself and out loud that I was the one in the wrong. And I also admitted for the first time that you were in the wrong. I told Sky how pissed I was at you. How angry I’ve been since the second I walked in and found you lifeless in your bed. I’ve been so mad at you, Les, for so many things.

But the thing that pissed me off the most was the fact that you never once thought about what it would do to me when I found you. You knew I would be the one to find you and the fact that you knew that and you still killed yourself?

I hated that you did it anyway, knowing you wouldn’t be the only one who died. I was so mad because you let me die, too.

Sky’s right. I’ve got to let go of the blame. But until Sky knows the truth, I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive myself. I’m not even ready to forgive you.

H

Chapter Thirty-seven

I’ve never brought her to my house before, even though we’ve been dating for a month now. Hope spent a lot of time at our house when we were kids, so I’m worried my mother will recognize her and say something when she meets her. So until Sky knows the truth about her past, I don’t want to risk her finding out from anyone other than me.

I don’t want Sky to think I don’t want her to be a part of my life by never allowing her to come to my house or meet my family, so I’ve taken the opportunity to bring her here tonight since I know my mother won’t be home. And even though we’re finally alone, kissing on my bed, I don’t feel right about it. The night didn’t start out well and the guilt from everything that has happened up to this point is in the forefront of my mind, even though I’d rather my mind be focused on the moment.

She’s been distant all day and I should have known it was my fault somehow. After we left the art gallery where we went to support Breckin and his boyfriend, Max, she hardly spoke two words to me. I wondered if it had something to do with last night and sure enough, it had everything to do with last night.

After my mother’s Halloween party at the law firm yesterday, where I may or may not have snuck too many drinks, I went to Sky’s house and crawled through her window. Things were good and we fell asleep, only to wake up to her crying hysterically. She was crying and shaking and I’ve never seen anyone react to a nightmare like that.

Ever.

It scared the shit out of me. Mostly because I didn’t know how to help her, but also because I really didn’t know where the hell I was when I woke up next to her. I was still a little buzzed from the drinks and I had little recollection of even leaving my house and sneaking into her bedroom. It scared me to know that I was around her while I was incoherent. I was scared that I might have let something slip about her past. I held her until she stopped crying but then I left because I could still feel the effects of the alcohol and I really didn’t want to say something to screw all this up.

But apparently I did, because earlier when we were downstairs, she said something about Hope. She said her name and it completely stunned me. Knocked the breath out of me. And if I wasn’t trying my damndest to act like I didn’t know what she was talking about., it would have knocked me to my knees.

But I let her explain herself and it turns out my fears were dead-on about being around her while I wasn’t completely coherent. Apparently I mumbled Hope’s name instead of Sky’s, and for the entire past day she’s been making herself sick about it. She’s been thinking Hope was someone else entirely and the thought of her thinking I would want or need or even entertain the thought of another girl just completely breaks my heart.

So right now, I’m doing everything I can to show her that she’s the only girl I think about.

Just her.

I’m kissing her, propped up on my hands and knees, attempting to avoid making her feel like I brought her here for anything other than to just spend time with her.

But she is wearing a dress again.

After those two hours in Daniel’s basement I think we were both pretty impressed with how well my hands and her dress became acquainted. We were also pretty impressed with how well my hands and the clothing under her dress became acquainted.

But now, here she is, wearing a dress again. And we passed quite a few firsts on that couch two weeks ago. So much so that it pretty much only leaves one more first to pass tonight and the fact that she knows that and I know that and she’s still wearing a dress has my mind jumbled and my heart racing.

It also didn’t help matters that before we made it up here to the bedroom, we were making out on the stairs and she blurted out the fact that she was a virgin. I already knew she was a virgin, but just the fact that she was thinking about it while I was kissing her to the point that she actually blurted it out loud leads me to believe that she just wanted to warn me for when we got to that point.

And I’m thinking she’s at that point, which is why she felt the need to clear the air downstairs, so she wouldn’t have to say it when it actually came to that point.

To the point it’s at right now.

The point at which I’m thanking the angels and the gods and the birds and the bees and sweet baby Jesus that she’s wearing this dress. If there’s one thing that can ease my guilt and allow me to focus solely on her for the time being, it’s this dress.

“Holy shit, Sky,” I say, kissing her madly. “God, you feel incredible. Thank you for wearing this dress. I really . . .” I kiss down her chin until my lips meet her neck. “I really like it. Your dress.” I continue kissing her neck and she tilts her head back, allowing me easier access. I drop my hand to her thigh and run it up under her dress. When I reach the top of her thigh I desperately want to keep going. But the fact that she’s allowed me there once before doesn’t mean I’m allowed there right now.

But apparently I am, because she twists her body more toward mine, directing my hand to keep heading where it’s heading. Her hands crawl up my back just as my hand greets the panties lining her hip. I slip my fingers underneath the lining and begin to tug at the same time she pulls on my shirt.

She begins to pull it over my head and I’m forced to move my hand away. I squeeze her thigh, not wanting to have to pull back, but I’m pretty sure I want my shirt off just as much as she wants it off.

As soon as I lift up onto my knees, away from her, she whimpers. The sound makes me smile and after my shirt is off, I bend forward and kiss the corner of her lips. I bring my hand to her face and gently stroke her hairline, watching her. I know we’re about to pass the most significant first of all and I want to memorize everything about this moment. I want to remember exactly what she looks like lying beneath me. I want to