escape for many years now.
Two and a half years ago
The first night it happened, it had been a pretty ordinary night.
It’d been a month after Mom had left home, and it’d been the first time we’d really had a proper family dinner.
Seth had just landed his real estate job and had wanted to celebrate with us, so he’d brought over some groceries—and his new girlfriend, Mandy—and I’d cooked dinner. Dad didn’t engage much in the conversation, but at least he’d made an effort to look somewhat presentable. I think Seth had had a good talking to with him and gotten through to him.
Afterwards, we cleared some space in the living room and played Twister for an hour or so while Dad watched. Dad did a lot of that lately. He especially watched Savannah and me with this wistful look on his face.
By the time we finished playing, Seth and Mandy got into some sort of disagreement, and she stormed outside with Seth on her heels. Since I was tired, I headed to my room and climbed into bed.
Since my room was at the front of the house, I could hear Seth and Mandy’s raised voices as they fought in his car, but couldn’t quite make out their words. Eventually, even their voices weren’t enough to keep me away, and I drifted into an uneasy sleep.
I jolted awake when the bed shifted.
There was a figure climbing into my bed, and covering my mouth with a hand at the same time. Fear jolted through me, and I let out a scream that was muffled by the hand over my mouth.
He climbed on top me, placing both legs on either side of me, and lowered his lips to my ear. “Listen to me carefully.” The strong scene of alcohol invaded my nostrils. “I want you to be the good, little girl that you are. I want to take my hand off your mouth, but I can’t do that if you’re going to scream, okay? If you scream, I’m going to go into your sister’s room, and I know you don’t want that, do you?”
Panic set in, and I shook my head furiously. I did not want him going into Savannah’s room. I had to protect her.
“Good.” He sounded satisfied at my compliance. “I’m going to take my hand away now, and I want you to be good. Remember, otherwise I’ll have to play with Anna.”
I nodded again to show him that I understood, and he slowly took his hand off my mouth. When I didn’t scream, he lowered his mouth to my ear. “You are such a good girl, Estella. I’ve been watching you all night, thinking of a way to show you how much I love you.”
The panic was still there, but now it had shifted to me instead. I had never imagined that I would ever be in a situation like this. Things like this only happened in movies; they couldn’t possibly happen to girls like me who did well in school and didn’t drink or do drugs or hang out with boys.
There was no way it could be happening to me.
He shoved the quilt aside and pulled down my pajama pants, tossing them aside. He fingered the fabric of my panties, letting out a sigh at the same time. “You have no idea how desperately I want to be inside you, Estella. You are so beautiful.”
Even though it was hard to make out his features in the darkness, I stared up at him desperately. “Please,” I begged, “don’t do this. You’re better than this. You’re a good person.”
He pinned me down hard, pressing into me as he tore my panties off. “I’m not a good person, Estella. That’s why she left me. But you can make me better. Make me good again.”
A scream caught in my throat as he pushed deep inside me, but I remembered to stay quiet. If I screamed, he would do this to Savannah, and there was no way I would let him ruin her life.
He paused when he met some resistance, and when he spoke, I could sense the smile in his voice. “I’m your first, baby? You have no idea how happy that makes me. Now, I’m going to make you happy.”
No, no, no. My first time wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was saving myself for someone special. I was saving myself for someone I was in love with. My first time wasn’t supposed to be like this.
“Please,” I pleaded, as he began pushing in and out of me, “stop, please.”
But he didn’t stop. He kept going. He fingered my hair and kissed my neck, and he didn’t pull out until he ejaculated inside me.
As he got off me and pulled his pants back on, his final words haunted me. “Keep me happy, Estella, the way your mother used to. Don’t tell anyone about this or I’ll have to get Savannah to keep me happy.”
Then he was gone.
Two years ago
Seth and I never talked about what he did to me. When other people were around, he acted like he hadn’t violated me like that. I was scared to be alone with him, but I was also scared of what he might do to Anna. I knew that I had to get him to stop what he was doing to me.
One day something inside me snapped. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take feeling dirty, and wrong, and weak, and disgusted with myself. One day, before he led me into my room, I pushed him away.
Seth stared at me in surprise. He’d been so used to getting what he wanted from me that he couldn’t believe that I wasn’t doing what he wanted me to.
“Estella, what’s going on?”
“No.” My voice shook as I rolled up the sleeve of my sweater.
Forgetwas written on it in black permanent marker.
Seth’s eyes shot down to my arm and then back to my face. “What are you doing, Estella? Think carefully before you do something stupid.”
I spit on my arm and began rubbing on the spot where ‘forget’ was written. The marker began to fade away and slowly the letters beneath it began to reveal themselves:
Seth
I was scarred. I was disfigured. I was forever ruined. Seth had branded himself on me and I could never escape what he’d done to me. I kept my arm hidden from everyone because I hated that part of me. I hated the tattoo that he had made me get a few months ago. I hated that I had been weak and unable to stand up for myself.
I refused to let this continue. I would not be a scared, little girl forever. I would be strong. I would be strong for the family that I had to hold together.
“I’ve been weak for too many months.” I looked him right in the eye as I spoke. “You cannot touch me. You cannot have me. I am not yours.”
I thrust my arm out at Seth and watched the gleam shoot through them as he admired the brand he had given me. He was such a sick person. “This does not mean you own me. You can’t make someone love you or want to be with you. What you did to me was not love; it was rape. You raped me physically and mentally and emotionally. You left me with a scar that I can’t erase. You made me weak. But you know what? Sometimes you have to be at your weakest to find your strength.”
Seth took a step back and it made me happy that he was the one who was worried now. “You’re making a huge mistake.”
“No, you are.” I tried to keep my voice strong. “You made a huge mistake when you violated me. You made a huge mistake when you ruined me for every guy out there. Stay away from me, Seth. Never touch me again. Never threaten Savannah’s safety or you’ll regret it. I will tell everyone what you did. You’ll go to prison.”
Seth’s eyes widened and all of a sudden, he looked like a sad, pathetic man as his entire expression changed from a tough guy to someone who was completely messed up. “Don’t do that, Estella, don’t tell anyone.” And that’s when his bottom lip began trembling and he wrapped his arms around himself as he began to shake. “She did that to me. Your mom. She did the same thing to me. I didn’t know anything else.”
I couldn’t believe what he was saying to me. My mother had hurt him? That couldn’t be true. He was doing this to me because of what mom had done? That was impossible.
Seth continued to speak, his words falling from his mouth at high speed. “She started when I was a little boy, but stopped once I hit twelve. But then when I was sixteen, we started having a relationship with each other.
