Definitely, Maybe in Love

everything out.”

Classes were starting soon, which meant Dart would return to town any minute. I stroked her tangled hair, silently joining in her confidence. If there was some mistake, surely it would be cleared up two seconds after Dart was in the presence of Julia, falling in love with her all over again.

“Let’s get you upstairs,” I suggested.

Julia’s body was weak and tense, but she nodded. Just as I was about to gather her up, the front door opened and slammed shut.

“Spring? Have you heard?”

Good gracious, woman.

A few seconds later, Mel rounded the corner into the kitchen, nearly tripping over our huddled mass. “Oh.” She frowned down at Julia. “Looks like you just found out.”

Being my best friend notwithstanding, sometimes Mel lacked tact. I gave the still-weeping Julia a tight squeeze before I stood. “This isn’t a good time,” I hissed at Mel. “Something’s wrong.”

“Damn straight,” Mel said, gawking down at Julia. “Why didn’t she know before now?” She turned to me. “Why didn’t you know?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Dart.” She bit her lip. “Gone. I swear, I thought you knew, I thought—”

“Gone?” Julia blurted. “What do you mean, gone?” Her porcelain face was blotchy and tear-stained as she stared at Mel. “Where’s Dart?”

Mel opened her mouth but didn’t speak for a moment. “Moved out,” she finally said, sounding a little guilty. “I heard it just a few minutes ago f-from”—she bit her lip—“from Lilah.”

My heart stopped cold when Julia gasped. It was a primal sound, like a wounded animal. I never wanted to hear it again.

Mel leaned toward me. “Why didn’t Julia kn—”

“Zip it,” I hissed. “Give me two seconds to think.” I pressed my fingertips over my eyelids. “Okay, okay, I need to call Henry. He’ll know what’s going on. He’ll—”

“Springer.” I felt Mel’s hand on my shoulder. “They’re both gone.” It took a moment for her words to register. “Both of them.”

I didn’t bother taking the time to rearrange my expression of shock before I lowered my hands.

“He didn’t say anything to you?” Mel whispered.

I opened my mouth but only shook my head.

“Apparently,” she said, “Dart is spending this semester operating a YMCA-type place somewhere overseas. Lilah didn’t tell me where Henry went, but she kept talking about some castle and Switzerland. That sounds like a place he would go.” She shrugged. “All I know is the house across the street has new tenants this semester. They’re gone.”

I tried to remain calm, tried to not show that it felt like I’d just been slapped. What I was going to tell Alex tonight, and what I’d hoped to tell Henry five minutes after that… It was all for nothing now. I took a deep breath, needing to collect myself. There would be a later time and place to process what that meant to me. Right now, there was a greater problem at hand.

“Jules?” I said, slowly approaching her.

She lifted her head and stared up with blank eyes, strands of red hair tangling in her tears.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

Her eyes searched my face for answers. But I had none.

“I’m so sorry.” I lowered myself beside her and slid an arm around her trembling shoulders. She leaned her head against me and quietly sobbed, while I stared at the wall, trying to remember what it had been like before my feelings changed, wondering why my chest felt like it had been hollowed out with a spoon.

Part III

Spring

“They’re certainly entitled to think that, and they’re entitled to full respect for their opinions…but before I can live with other folks I’ve got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.”

From To Kill a Mockingbird

Chapter 18

“Spring. A word?”

I stood in place, my backpack hanging off one shoulder. “Shh”—I choked on my own tongue—“Sure, Professor Masen.” I smiled as brightly as possible while walking with dread toward the front of the emptying classroom.

He sat at his desk, doing the chin rub. “We’re three months into the new semester. You’ve canceled our last two appointments and missed a deadline.”

“Oh, uh, I know. I’m…” I was about to say I was going through a personal crisis, but how lame was that? And I couldn’t very well tell him the truth—that I’d lost interest in writing my thesis. Not something you should admit to your advisor.

Despite the skipped appointments and deadlines, I was hoping Masen hadn’t noticed. But evidently, I wasn’t that lucky.

For the past few months, I’d been having trouble concentrating. Things weren’t coming as easily as they should, and every single one of my professors had it in for me—I could tell. I didn’t know how I’d managed to get so far behind, which subsequently added to the stress. One minute I was in full-blown panic mode, and the next, I couldn’t be more indifferent. Either way, I was not being productive.

Masen cleared his throat. “You’ve been…what?” he asked, attempting to finish my unfinished sentence.

“I’ve been…really busy in my other classes,” I fudged. “Anthropology is kicking my ass.”

He read something on his computer screen that I couldn’t see. “You’re taking a really full load again this semester, but it isn’t too late to drop a class.”

“Drop a…”

“You only need fifteen units to keep your scholarships.”

“I can’t drop a class,” I blurted, indignant at the very suggestion.

My professor gazed up at me and leaned back, his ancient chair squeaking. “Then I suggest you fix whatever is broken,” he said. “Time is running out.”

“I know, and I will,” I promised, even though I had no idea how to repair what was wrong with me. I couldn’t even name it. I was afraid if I fed my symptoms into WebMD, it would spit out that I had a broken heart.

…

I usually didn’t get car sick, but this particular stretch of highway on the way up to Washington was twisty and turny like a roller coaster. I half expected to look over and see Mel with her hands off the steering wheel like we were taking a corkscrew at Six Flags.

“Mel,” I said, my right hand holding onto the grip above the door while my left pressed against my churning stomach, “I swear to you, if we hit an on-coming truck and actually live to tell about it, I’ll run you over.”

She took a hand off the wheel to tilt her white sunglasses, but she didn’t slow down.

“Why are you in such a hurry? Spring break is a full seven days.”