Beautifully Awake

all some time.” Screw hiding my anger.

The judge turned back to me. “Ms. Porter, please keep your answers to yes or no responses.”

“Objection, Judge, this line of questioning has gone on long enough. I do believe Attorney Reed has established a sufficient timeline.”

The drumming pulse in my ears grew louder. I ignored her objection. “No, it’s fine.” Screw yes and no responses. This was not ending on his terms. “I went to the hospital that morning because I was hemorrhaging. I had a miscarriage, to be exact. I lost so much blood I needed emergency surgery and two blood transfusions. I was discharged later that night. And yes, I did call the district attorney’s office the next morning and drop the charges. Is that a detailed enough timeline for you?” You self-righteous son of a bitch.

My body trembled head to toe, but I tightened muscles I never knew I had to hide it. The sounds coming from the audience were pure shock. I couldn’t look up; I couldn’t look at him, not yet. I was afraid to see disappointment. That was worse than anger, fury and rage, combined. Disappointment meant you failed someone. My chest pounded, creating an ache so deep and raw. It wasn’t fair how easily pieces of your private life were stolen, used against you and left to be scrutinized. The heat from my boiling blood settled in my cheeks, maybe from embarrassment, but mostly from pure exasperation.

“So to summarize our timeline, Ms. Porter, your boyfriend publicly broke up with you, two weeks later you found out you were pregnant, filed charges of alleged rape and deferred your plans of higher education, losing the scholarship you obviously needed.” His lips hardened while he watched and waited for the jury’s reaction. “Two weeks later you suffered a traumatic miscarriage, then proceeded to drop all charges the very next day.” That spineless fucker looked at everyone in the courtroom but me. “And during all this personal drama, you were able to remain diligently focused at work. So much so, you filed formal grievances against my client as an unfit father.” The asshole actually smiled, he fucking smiled. “No further questions, Your Honor. The witness is excused.”

The witness is excused. Just like that. It was over. Derek Reed may as well have said the defendant is excused. And not Roy Wayne, either. So this was a taste of why I turned my life upside down three years ago. Then, at least, I would have been prepared. But today, I was defenseless. Selfish fuck-face was not even in a sixty-mile radius, and he managed to bitch slap me one last time.

Taking a deep breath I composed myself as best I could, straightened my now blood stained dress and walked straight out. Eyes forward and chin up. All my resolve crumbled the second the warm August air hit my face. Tears just flowed. I tried wiping them away, but it was useless. I cried until the well ran dry.

I couldn’t tell you how long I sat on the bench across from the courthouse. Could have been five minutes, could have been an hour. The entire sick replay looped in my mind, always freezing on the same frame. The unreadable look on Chase’s face. I pressed my forehead against my palm and tried to massage the dull throb beneath my temples. With my eyes closed I sensed the tall shadow, then felt his presence sit down beside me. His arm brushed my side. The tension and anger radiating from his body was tangible. He removed my hand from my forehead and laced his fingers with mine. His strong bounding pulse clearly indicated the level of his agitation. I attempted swallowing, knowing I had to say something. To explain. But all I wanted was to feel his arms around me and for him to tell me everything was going to be okay. I didn’t move a muscle. I sat so still just waiting.

“What just happened in there, Blue?”

I twisted my head and opened my bloodshot eyes. Chase was staring forward in almost the same position as in the courtroom, forearms resting on his knees, fists clenched against his mouth, but this time my hand was sandwiched between his palms. In a death grip. He was mad.

“I can explain,” I pleaded, hoping he would turn and allow his eyes to connect. I needed to see them desperately. I needed to erase the last image burned in my brain of his eyes.

“What the fuck just happened in there?” His voice rattled with anger. It was obvious he was fighting for any shred of control. “You can explain? How about you start with, who the fuck is that guy? And don’t tell me you don’t know him because he sure as shit knows you.”

“We grew up together ... he’s ... Dan’s cousin.”

“Well, that’s fucking fantastic. He had no problem throwing you under the fucking bus in there!”

No shit. Seemed to be a Reed family trait. I focused on Chase’s sharp profile, while he continued looking straight ahead.

“This trial’s about a scumbag child abuser who deserves to be put behind bars for life. How the fuck did it become about you?” He released my hand and shot off the bench.

At the loss of contact, I pinched beneath my running nose and palmed away the tear tracks staining my cheeks. “They always try to discredit the witness. It’s part of the whole stupid process.”

“What?” Chase growled and finally turned to look at me. His crystal greys were dark. A darkness I had never seen. Like a black cloud on an otherwise clear day when you wondered what it would bring. “You want to question someone’s professional credibility, you show they suck at their job or, fuck ... show they’re an alcoholic or a fucking crackhead, for that matter. But what he just did to you in there ... fuck, Blue. He just went for your jugular in front of half your fucking hometown. And no one did a goddamn thing to stop it.” Chase clawed at his hair with such force, I was surprised he didn’t leave a bald spot. “You came all the way here to help her case, and that fucking prosecutor stood there and did absolutely nothing.” His breathing was hard and his neck was so taut, I thought he might pop a vessel.

“There was nothing she could do,” I said, willing to calm him with my eyes. “It wasn’t going to stop him.”

Chase stared at me like I’d lost my freaking mind. I assumed he had a different experience with the system … not a system that failed innocent victims time and time again. Being blindsided by Derek today knocked me off kilter, but the law giving him carte blanche to do it, that didn’t surprise me at all.

“That makes it okay?” His expression oozed disgust. “When my lawyers are done with that sick bastard, I’m going to have his head on a fucking platter.” Chase was losing it, his fists were tightly clenched and drawn slightly forward. His face was hard-lined. I imagined this was how he looked at his boxing opponent. All of a sudden, throwing instrument trays seemed like a toddler’s temper tantrum.

I stood up and reached for the arm that was raking the shit out of his messy brown locks. “Chase, please listen to me.” My voice cracked when I intended to sound steady and strong. “It’s not going to change anything. Trust me. He didn’t break any laws. Going after him ... is pointless, it can’t erase what’s done.”

My words cut deep, reopening old wounds, wounds that Chase had unknowingly begun to heal. I watched him continue to pace the concrete sidewalk, stewing over what I just said. I sensed that I just delivered the final blow.

He backhanded the air and I rushed forward, trying to soothe, resting my palms against his back. “I don’t give a shit what laws he did or didn’t break. Jesus. Fucking. Christ, Blue.” His muscles vibrated beneath my fingers. “He attempted to humiliate you in front of half the goddamn town.” He slowly turned around and my breath seized at the intensity of his gaze. I stepped in closer and grabbed his face between my hands. His voice dropped to a strained growl, “There is no way in hell that piece of shit is getting away with this.”

I swallowed the pride I spent three years rebuilding and whispered, “It doesn’t matter. They ... they ... all already knew.” I lowered my swollen lids and let my tears fall. The well was far from dry.

Chase’s pointer finger elevated my wet chin, until our eyes linked. Finally, I saw something familiar, the darkness faded. I saw realization wash through him. “That’s why you were so uneasy about this trip ... why you’ve been walking on eggshells?” His tone was softer. Less angry. He sounded hurt.

I had paused long enough. He needed to hear the truth from me. “Chase. I’m so sorry. I should have told you ... I wanted to. You didn’t deserve to hear it like this. You came all this way to support me ... you went out of your way to distract me and make coming home easier when you could tell something was off. I should have told you. I knew I could trust you. I foolishly tried to convince myself I could forget everything; that it didn’t have to affect my future. I want to tell you everything. Now. Why...”

“Shh. Shh. Blue.” Chase’s index finger covered my lips. “I told you before, you don’t have to say another word about him ... ever, and I meant it.” He gently wiped away a few lingering tears.

“Wait. Chase. Please hear me out.”

“Stop, not another word. It’s in the past. Let’s leave it there, you said it yourself, we can’t change anything.” He pulled me into a tight embrace and kissed the top of my head. His cocoon felt like cold gel on a sunburn. As