Crashing Back Down

friend and roommate. Nothing more, right?”

He buried his head in the pillow at my words, staying silent.

“Oh my God! I was right. I need to take a shower and you need to get the fuck out of here for a while.” I pointed to the door and Walker silently obeyed, leaving me to my terrible thoughts, slamming my door as loudly as he could behind him.

A rush of confusion hit me, knocking the wind out of me. I knew my emotions started to become displaced as anger at Walker built up while I lashed out. There was no one I was mad at or disappointed with other than myself.

 My mind started racing, as my thoughts screamed through my head, making me feel weak and dizzy. What would Randy think of all of this? He’s fucking dead anyway. He left me here alone! Does he want me to be alone forever? Would I want him to move on? And with our best friend? Fuck this shit!

Fury at myself and the situation burnt my eyes, making tears stream down my face uncontrollably. I didn’t know what to think, how to feel. I had been void of deep emotions for so long. The terrible notion that all of this was my fault hit me the hardest. All of those moments where I let myself slip and felt things I shouldn’t. Maybe Walker sensed the tension too, and maybe he did have actual feelings for me.

I took a quick shower, trying to scrub the last twenty-four hours off my skin. By the time I turned off the boiling water, my entire body was pink and rubbed raw. Climbing out of the shower, wishing I had brought clothes to change into, I wrapped my towel around myself tightly. Even with the warm steam making the air thick in my bathroom, I shivered as everything started to sink in farther. My head was pounding from crying and thinking too much. All I wanted to do was curl up into my comforter and ignore the world for a while.

When I opened my bathroom door, I found Walker leaning against the doorjamb. Before I could even process the situation, Walker pressed his entire body firmly against mine and kissed me, hard and desperate.

I pushed him away. “Wait!” I shook my head and screamed at him, breathless and confused. He let go, staring at me with the most guilt I’d ever seen in someone’s eyes. The usual bright green had faded, his cheeks pale.

“What are we doing?” I breathed softly, innocently disordered and broken. “What about my husband?” The words lingered in the air, feeling like a distant whisper. Their presence was fleeting and wrong sounding from my voice as I glanced down at the tiny gold band that almost felt stifling on my ring finger.

Walker bent down a little so he could look me directly in the eye, putting both his hands on my shoulders. “Mags, he’s dead. Say the word and I will walk out that door and never talk to you again. I’ve loved you for a while. And I want to be with you. If it has to be only as friends, I’ll handle it, but that’s not what I want.” Walker sighed, light tears starting to roll down his cheeks as he slid onto the recliner with his head in his hands, his voice shaky and pleading. “What do you think? How do you feel?”

I gawked at him for a moment, trying to understand what I was hearing. I said the only thing I could, the truth. “I feel crazy. I feel like I don’t know what to think anymore.” I sat down on the floor in front of him, pulling his hands away from his face. “Give me some time to think about what is going on with me, and in the meantime, don’t leave.”

Walker nodded, his arms curling around my middle, tugging me onto his lap. “I didn’t mean to dump all that on you all at once. I never wanted you to know how I felt. Whatever your decision is, I’ll always be here for you, Mags.” He picked me up and laid me down in bed. “How about I go make us some food and we’ll have breakfast in bed a day early?”

I let the calmness of his voice wash away the frantic feelings in my chest, and the discomfort of his well kept secret of loving me. I was so glad to not have to make decisions right away, or even know completely what was going on, that I just let myself go void again, pushing everything away from my mind. “Sounds wonderful.”

My head started throbbing with all of this new information that I couldn’t bring myself to process. I hoped this was all a horrible dream and that when I woke up, everything would be back to normal, an ignorant bliss saving me once again.

I curled up in my sheets, my hangover getting the best of me, and I slept for what felt like seconds. When I opened my eyes again, the clock on the nightstand said two thirty in the afternoon. I rolled over to see Walker curled up in a little ball on the other side of the bed, a tray of eggs and bacon on the floor next to him. I must have been sleeping for at least four hours. I yawned and stretched, still forcing the inevitable reality from my mind as much as possible.

I shook Walker awake. When his eyes opened, he jumped a little. “I’m sorry Mags, I didn’t mean to.” He looked around for a second with a confused stare on his face, and then it melted into panic as words started to babble from his lips. “Can I just take it all back? Be friends, just friends again. I can’t lose you, Mags! I don’t care if I am in the friend zone forever.”

I put my hand on his cheek and stared into his handsome face, chills of longing running through my body. It had been so long since I had felt that way, longing for a man’s touch. All I wanted was to be wrapped up in his arms, but the words that came out of my mouth were mature and foreign to me. I couldn’t believe what I was saying. I hadn’t made a decision yet, I was so calm, my voice even. “Walker, I’m just not ready for a relationship … for any of this, to be honest. And you were Randy’s best friend. This isn’t right. There can never be anything between us. I’m sorry.” My head fell and I stared at the white comforter bound up in my grasp.

Walker’s head fell and his shoulders slumped, his voice weak and defeated. “I will go pack my things then. I really am sorry.”

I sat up quickly, terrified he might leave. My heart pounded and my palms started to sweat. “You’re not moving out are you? Please don’t leave. I need someone in this house with me. I can’t handle another person leaving!”

His face changed slowly from solemn to elation. “I’d never want to leave you. I just didn’t want to overstep my bounds.” He leaned up to get out of bed, grabbing my hand to kiss it. “I’m going to clean this mess up and wash the smell of the bar off of me. I have plans tonight, but let’s have breakfast in the morning as a fresh start. Wipe this nasty old slate clean.”

I looked up into his wide, bloodshot green eyes. It was clear he had been crying while I slept. I couldn’t help but wonder the true reason behind the tears. Did he really want to be with me? All I knew was that I could not stand the thought of losing someone else right now. “A fresh start sounds wonderful, Walker. I think we need one.”

Walker’s pained expression transformed into a loving gleam as he trotted out of my room, carrying our uneaten breakfast. At the thought of food, my stomach started to grumble, having not eaten anything all day and puking last night. I grabbed my phone, knowing that some girl time was definitely needed at that point.

I dialed Cali, and, luckily, she was free. We made plans to have a late lunch and then spend the rest of the early evening pampering ourselves. It was going to be a perfect little escape that I desperately needed. Definitely better than my original thought of falling into a bottle of wine and chick flicks, locked up alone in my room, hiding from my almost mistake hook-up with a roommate.

I climbed out of bed and started fumbling through my drawers to find something to wear. Cali always made it a point to dress beautifully and I was not in the mood to hear her complain about my “boy” clothes. I finally settled for nice white linen shorts and a dark teal tank top. While I was brushing my teeth, my bedroom door opened.

“Mags?”

With toothpaste still swimming around in my mouth, I called back to Cali, “In here!”

She bounced into the bathroom with a giant lit up eyes. “I’m glad you called, Kyle is being a douche. Ever since he started working nights again, he has just been a grouch. I think we should get him a trashcan to sleep in while we’re out.”

I giggled at her frustration while gargling mouthwash. Cali crossed her arms around herself and popped her hip out, sizing up my ensemble. “You look very nice, Mags. I’m proud of you.” Her lips curled into an approving smile with her words.

“Thanks,” I perked up from spitting out my mouthwash, smoothing out my clothes dramatically, taking her hand. “Come on, I’m starving.”

Hand in hand, Cali and I made our way down the stairs, passing Walker in the kitchen. He was still cleaning pans in the sink, wearing my neon pink rubber gloves. Looking up from the soapy water, he whistled at us. Cali tugged at my hand, disgustedly barking, “God, Walker! You’re such a freaking pig.” Then, turning her enraged eyes