admit, “I don’t know what a vassal is.”
He pushes himself up from his seat and comes to stand close to me. “She would be your mentor until you are fully vampire. Then she would secede you a territory adjoining hers.”
“And if I was her vassal then I could be around her? Even after I’m fully vampire?”
“No. Not all vampires are as unsociable as I am, but when the time comes, you will not want to be in her company, I promise you that.”
“You are in her company,” I point out.
“Only because I’ve requested sanctuary. And it is not easy. Not for either of us.”
I want to argue the point, but even I can see the strain around his eyes.
“Being her vassal would provide you some small protection. You would be allies of sorts. You would owe her an annual tithe, but in exchange, she would send resources to protect your lands if you were ever in dire distress.”
It all sounds very feudal and not at all comforting, but I’m putting the pieces together. “Jackson was once her vassal.”
“Yes.”
“But his territory fell?”
“He did. But that doesn’t mean that you would. This would be a smart move for you. Unless you have a different plan. What is it that you want out of all this?”
“I don’t want to be her vassal. I don’t want an empire. I just want—” I break off as my tears nearly choke me.
I have been asked this question so rarely, I have no answer. Even in the Before, even with my mother, who tried so hard and my sister, who loved me so dearly. Even they did not often ask what I wanted.
I have no ready answer to the question. Heart searching is harder than it should be. What do I want?
I want my life back. My easy, autistic life with its simple rules and solid structure. I want my mother. My sister. Even my willy-nilly father, who never writes or calls. I want all of those things. And I want a choice. An opinion.
This is what Sebastian is giving me, which no one else ever has.
Oh, Lily and my mother tried, but my safety always trumped my voice.
“I want . . . I want to make a difference.” I want the chance that Lily took from me when she begged Sebastian to turn me. It’s not that I didn’t want to be a vampire—though who would choose this?—it’s that I wanted my choice, my actions to matter. Lily took that from me, but Sebastian is giving it back. “I want to fight. I want to help people.”
Sebastian tips his head to the side, as if mulling over my words. “You could help people without fighting. Sabrina protects many subjects from the Ticks. She provides for them. She—”
“She feeds from them and calls them kine,” I sneer.
“You didn’t see her guards arguing, did you?”
“Because she no doubt has a powerful
Sebastian sweeps a hand toward the windows and the world beyond Sabrina’s kingdom. “Did you not see her defenses? Do you think the people here would want to leave? The world outside is gone. Where would they go?”
“She feeds from them.”
“And they gladly let her, because she protects their families.”
“She lays them out as appetizers before her guests. What would she have done if I had eaten that man? I could have killed him.”
“If you had dined in her territory, you would have been her vassal, like it or not. Those are the ancient laws of hospitality.”
I reel back from this news. As indignant as I had been on behalf of that nameless stranger, I am repulsed on my own behalf. And betrayed. Sebastian’s endless mind games have laid me bare. “So you set me up?”
“I merely tested your resolve. I did warn you to be polite.”
“In some cultures, it’s considered rude to refuse food!”
“And in many ancient cultures, sharing food forms a binding contract.” He waves a dismissive hand. “I’ll not quarrel with you over what might have been. If you didn’t have the strength to resist eating the man, you would have been of no use to me. But—”
“Of no use to you? What of me and my choices?”
“Strength earns you choices. This has always been true. It’s as simple as that. You want the right to determine your own destiny, you fight for it.” He smiles. “And you maintain your self-control.”
I’m still pissed, but I don’t argue. Maybe because I know he’s right. Maybe because it doesn’t matter. I was strong enough and that’s earned me the chance to make a difference. If I can convince him to let me.
“If I don’t want to stay with her, can I leave?” He arches an eyebrow in question, so I continue. “You were exchanging me for sanctuary.”
“Was I?”
“Yes! You said I was a hostess gift.”
“Ah, poor, Melly. You jump to conclusions so quickly.”
“Because you aren’t being straightforward!”
“Have I ever been?” Then his expression softens and he trails a soothing hand up my arm. “I didn’t bring you to her in exchange for sanctuary. I sought sanctuary so that you would have an option of becoming her vassal. If you want to leave with me, you may.”
I’m confused not just about these complicated rules that govern vampire behavior, but also by Sebastian’s distracting touch. “But what about the ancient laws of hospitality? Don’t you owe her something?”
“And you just naturally assume that you are the only asset I have?” He chucks my chin playfully. “Have a little faith, my dear. I have many resources. I will strike a bargain with Sabrina, if it is what you choose.”
“I do not want to be her vassal.”
“Are you certain? You can’t change your mind.”
“When you leave here, you’re going to continue to fight against Roberto?” I ask.
“Of course.”
“Then I—”
“Do not make this choice lightly, but consider what you’re giving up. You could do what Sabrina has done: establish a territory here in Arizona. She would expect you to cultivate your own kine.”
I shudder at the word. I cannot bring myself to think of humans as my food.
Sebastian sees my reaction and grabs my chin. There is nothing gentle in his touch. “No. Do not flinch from this. They are your food. You were made to consume human blood. We are the check that balances the human population. I will not always be here to remind you of this. For now, you feed on Ticks, but what will you do if the Ticks are ever wiped out? That is the point of Carter’s rebellion, is it not? To destroy the Ticks? What if he succeeds? What will you eat then? And do not entertain any fantasies about dining on deer and dogs. If the Ticks are gone, you will eat humans. Accept that.”
Hysteria bubbles up inside of me. I cannot accept that. I will not. There must be another way.
I shake my head, but he keeps talking.
“If you really want to help the rebellion, then you should do this. Establish a territory here. All of those people at Base Camp, make them your kine. You want to fight against Roberto, then fight that way.”
“Why are you so desperate to get rid of me?”
He lets go of me and turns away now. I still can’t read his moods. Is he annoyed with me or merely tired? Is the strain of being near Sabrina wearing on him, or is it the strain of being my mentor?
When he turns back to me, I think it must be both.
“I will do anything to bring down Roberto. If you stay with me, the path ahead will be difficult. I don’t want to be rid of you, but I would not force this on you.”
“Why?” I ask. “Why is destroying him so important? Why do you hate him so much?”
Sebastian arches an eyebrow. “Kitten, in two thousand years, when everyone you’ve ever loved has died, when you’ve been alone so long you cannot remember how to be with any living creature, when you’ve watched
