“No,” Maeve said. “It will give us a chance to catch up.”
I glanced over at Terric. Wanting him to make an excuse so I didn’t have to talk to my mum. He just raised his eyebrows and gave me a mind-your-mother look.
Bastard.
“Shamus,” Mum called from halfway across the room. “Come with me. Now.”
“Better just do it, son,” Hayden said in his rolling baritone. “She is not a woman who likes to be kept waiting.”
He heaved his bulk down into a chair gratefully and got busy catching up with Kevin and Zayvion.
No one was even looking at me.
I wiped my fingers over the top of my lip, clearing the sweat there. I did not want to talk to my mother about what had happened. Didn’t want her to see what I had become.
I didn’t remember walking into the kitchen. One minute I was sitting; then I was in the doorway, unable to make my feet go any farther.
“Do you know where she keeps the serving knife?” She wasn’t looking at me.
I tried and couldn’t find a way to say anything.
“Shamus? Son?” She looked over at me.
Something changed in her as she studied me. She put down the plates and crossed the room. Then tugged me in, away from the door, away from where anyone would see me.
And wrapped her arms around me.
I squeezed my eyes shut. Her familiar perfume and warmth surrounded me, comfort I had known all my life. It had been years and more since she’d held me like a frightened, broken child.
But I didn’t pull away.
“Ah, my love,” she said gently. “Someday your heart will mend. Someday the pain will become a part of your memories instead of your every living moment.”
I realized she wasn’t talking about me grieving Victor’s death, though I was certainly doing that too. She was talking about Dessa.
“Wh-who told you?” I asked around the pain in my chest.
“About Dessa? Zayvion.”
I pulled back from her embrace, wiped at my face to keep the tears from falling. “He’s such a mother hen.”
She tipped her head and smiled gently. “He told me you killed, Shamus. With magic.”
“You know what I am,” I said softly. “What I’ve become.” I pulled my shoulders back, wishing I could put more space between us, but not wanting to leave her comfort.
“Yes,” she said, touching my cheek with her fingers. “You are my son. A man I am proud of.”
“No. Not . . . now. I am death.”
There it was, the truth. She studied me, then pushed my bangs out of my eyes. “Well, then, death needs a haircut.”
“Mum!” It was such a motherly thing to say.
“It is the truth,” she said. “And much truer than the nonsense you’re telling me. You carry Death magic, Shamus. But you are still a man in control of it. And you have handled that heavy responsibility better than ninety- nine percent of the people in this world.”
“By killing people?”
“Death comes to us all, my child.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. It seemed like she was grossly oversimplifying the situation. But then, Mum had seen my dad killed, her friends possessed, destroyed. She’d raised a Death magic user, and had already seen what hellish thing I could become, back when I’d ripped Jingo Jingo to bloody shreds.
She was, I realized, very comfortable with the workings, and reality, of death. No wonder she was nonchalant about it.
“True,” I said.
“Good.” She drew her fingers along my cheek one last time and looked at me as if sizing me up for a new suit. “Now help me with the pie.”
I did that, and mostly managed to handle myself in the rest of the day’s conversations.
The other Soul Complements had cleared out of town. So had the Overseer, though Clyde had kept him informed on everything that was happening.
We knew who we were up against: Krogher. We didn’t know his position in the government yet, nor what his plan, his final plan was for the modified magic users he had controlled.
They had taken Davy, one of our own. And we all agreed that would not stand.
And Eli . . .
Well, no one talked to me about Eli. They didn’t have to. I had my own plans for him.
Because I had a promise to keep.
In the meantime, I tried to smile at the appropriate moments, nodded like I was listening, and dug deep to be the Shame they all needed me to be, not the monster they refused to believe I had become.
When Terric said he was tired, I got up, said my good-byes to my mum and Hayden, then Allie and Zay.
Allie suddenly went domestic on us—this baby business made her weird—and insisted she had to wrap up leftovers for us to take. I left her and Terric to their girl talk in the kitchen.
I needed silence. Rain. Darkness. I needed away from my mother, and all of my friends.
Zay walked with me out to the car.
The rain had let up, but everything was wet, cold. I lit a cigarette and leaned against the hood of Terric’s car.
“How you holding up?” I asked him.
Yes, he looked surprised.
“Victor was a father to you, Zay. I know that,” I said softly.
Zay nodded. There was a stiffness to his shoulders, like there was a pain he hadn’t quite figured out how to breathe around.
Welcome to the club.
“I’m dealing,” he said. He came over and leaned on the hood next to me.
I offered him a cigarette.
He took it. Now it was my turn to look surprised.
“Everything really okay with Allie?” I asked as I flicked my thumb over my lighter for him.
He sucked heat into the cigarette, held the smoke for a moment, exhaled with a nod. “We think so. Dr. Fisher is keeping a very close eye on her. Nothing seems out of the ordinary, not even after we broke magic.”
“Good,” I said, meaning it. “That’s good.”
We smoked for a while staring up at the house, the trees beyond it, listening to the river rushing by behind us.
“Did you love her?” he finally asked.
“I barely knew her.” It had become my stock answer. A parry Terric and Dash and most other people who had asked me that very same question would not engage with.
Zay wasn’t most people.
“So you loved her.”
“I thought I did.”
“Did she love you back?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” Then, since he waited me out, “Yes.”
“You’re going to hunt him down, aren’t you, Shame?”
I inhaled smoke, exhaled. We both knew who he was talking about: Eli.
“Yes,” I said. “You won’t want to get in my way, Zay.”
He shook his head. “Wouldn’t dream of it. But if I can be there to hold him down while you pull his lungs out of his chest, I will be.”
Terric said no one knew me better than him. I thought he might be wrong about that. Zay understood.
