White Trash Damaged

“I remarried a few years back. Your momma didn’t tell you?”

“How could you remarry? You and Mom were still married.” I was angry and wanted to scream at him in her defense.

“We’ve been divorced for nearly four years, Cass.”

“That’s impossible. You said she is pregnant again?”

“Big as a house. . . . You have a little brother, Ryley. He just turned three, but that boy is smart as a whip.”

I let the phone slide from my hand and into my lap as I struggled to keep from losing my mind. All these years I had prayed for my father to come back and save us, and all the while he had moved on and started a whole new family. We couldn’t have been further from his mind. And worst of all, Momma had known and never said a word. I felt betrayed by everyone involved. I could hear the faint sound of his voice from the phone, and I picked it up and held it back to my ear.

“Sorry. I dropped the phone.” My voice came out sounding monotone. I was trying so hard to suppress the sadness and anger that was boiling inside of me.

“I thought she would have told you, princess.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, surprised at my own strength.

“When I left I had no business trying to raise a kid when I couldn’t even pay the bills. Couldn’t even keep myself off the bottle. You were better off with your mother. I always planned to come back. You have to believe that, but your momma and I were toxic together. It would have made your life miserable.”

“My life was miserable. We struggled every damn day.” The tears were flowing freely now, and I was embarrassed that I was allowing him to hear me cry.

“I’m sorry. I know I can’t ever take back what I have put you through, but I would like the chance to be a part of your life, Cass. Everyone deserves a second chance.”

“But . . . why now?”

“When I saw your face on the magazine, it was a real wake-up call, Cass. . . . It was a punch in the gut. I realized how much time had passed . . . how much of your life I’d missed out on. . . . Hell, it took me a few moments to even recognize my own kid!” He laughed nervously, and then fell silent for a few moments. “I just want a second shot with my oldest kid, Cass. That’s all.”

I chewed on my lip as I thought that over. I knew people could change, and he was taking the step to have me back in his life. That had to count for something.

“Okay,” I replied with a sigh.

“Great. I’ll call you to make some plans. Thank you, Cass.”

I nodded to myself and ended the call, tossing the phone on the bed beside me as I tried to process all of the new information. I couldn’t believe he had a new family and that it took him almost two decades to reach out to me. I could feel anger beginning to swell, but I fought against it. After all, it would be nice to have family. And he was all I had left.

I let the tears flow freely as I put my head on Tucker’s pillow. I closed my eyes, inhaling the traces of coconut that lingered from him. His concert would be beginning soon, but my body felt like it weighed a thousand pounds and I couldn’t force myself to move. I needed a night off. A break from all of the chaos that was life on the road.

I tried to imagine what my father’s house would look like and if his son and I shared any resemblance. I always took after my mother, so the chances of that were pretty slim. Then my mind wandered to what his wife was like. Was she kind? Did she have any of the emotional issues that plagued my mother? I couldn’t imagine that she would, as most of her problems seemed to stem from his abandonment of her, of us.

I hadn’t even thought to ask him if he was still in New Orleans or if that was just another part of the fairy tale my parents fed me when I was little. I didn’t know what to believe anymore. All I knew was I wasn’t satisfied with what-ifs anymore. I needed to see him face-to-face.

My head was clouded with a mix of sadness and hope as I drifted off to sleep, exhausted from all of the emotions that were overwhelming me. I dreamt of my father. He looked as I remembered him but his features blurred slightly; I couldn’t bring him into focus. His hair was peppered with gray, and he opened his arms to me with a bright smile. I ran to him and was immediately swarmed by my new loving family. They gripped me tightly in their arms and all had the same comforting beachy smell.

“I missed you tonight.” A voice spoke to me, and I laughed at how much my father sounded like Tucker. “You feeling okay?”

My eyes fluttered open and I was face-to-face with Tucker who had curled up beside me in the bunk.

“I missed your show. I am so sorry. What time is it?”

“Don’t worry about it. I would take a night off if I could, too.” He smiled, pushing my hair from my face.

“I called him.”

His smile faded and worry took over.

“I thought you might have. I wish you would have let me be with you.”

“I needed to do this on my own. Tucker. I can handle it.”

His finger traced the puffy skin under my eye.

“Clearly.”

“I’m fine. I promise. You don’t need to worry. He wants to see me.”

The muscles in Tucker’s jaw began to tick under his skin and I knew he wasn’t fond of the idea.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“He has a family.” That seemed to shock Tucker because his eyes widened before his nostrils flared. “It’s okay. I’m happy for him. I have a family now, too.” I was grinning from ear to ear, loving the sound of it.

“You always have, Cass. You have me; you have all of us. You never had to be alone.” His thumb slid back and forth over my cheekbone.

“I know that, Tucker. But I owe it to him and to me to get to know him again.”

“I’d like to come with you when you do go to see him.”

I nodded and he pulled my face closer, placing a kiss on my forehead before pulling my entire body closer to cuddle me. I loved lying in his arms. I felt safe, and no matter what thoughts raced in my head, my heart was full.

I placed my palm on Tucker’s chest, feeling his strong, steady heartbeat under my fingertips as I drifted back off into a dreamless sleep.

The next morning I awoke before the guys as usual and slipped out of bed to make some coffee and work on a new song to help get out some of the feelings. I yawned, my eyes connecting with Donna who was sitting at the table reading over a newspaper.

She looked back down at what she was reading as if she hadn’t even noticed me. I needed to try to make things right between us and let her know that I had nothing but good intentions. I wanted this band together more than anyone and worked hard to keep it that way. Maybe if she saw where I was coming from, she would let up a little bit with her attitude. It was making life on the bus miserable for everyone.

I reluctantly made my way to the small kitchen area and began to prepare a pot of coffee.

“Would you like a cup?” I asked, turning to look at her. She held up her expensive frothy drink, not bothering to glance in my direction. I rolled my eyes as I turned back to the counter. I suddenly felt like I was back in the diner with a bitchy customer who thought she was too good to acknowledge my existence. It was becoming increasingly hard to not give her a piece of my mind.

“Thank you anyway,” she said, and just like that, the tension fizzled out of me and I took a deep calming breath. I poured my coffee and dropped in a few ice cubes. I took a seat directly across from her. She glanced up at me, waiting for me to say something.

“I think we got off on the wrong foot,” I began, but she held up her hand to stop me.

“This isn’t personal, Cass. I can tell you are probably a good person and you and Tucker are caught up in this . . . puppy love. I think that is wonderful. Truly. But this is a business, and your relationship is not good for business. Tucker won’t be focused and the fans will turn against him and you. If you loved him, you would be on the first flight back to whatever trailer park he picked you up at.”

I knew my mouth was hanging open just waiting to catch flies, but I couldn’t even begin to form a response