Sanctuary

failed but know deep inside it’s my own failure. The pain has to be vented somewhere.

Drescoll sees the look in my eyes looking at him and takes a step backward. Lynn, seeing the burning in my eyes, steps between us.

“Jack, you don’t want to do this,” she says looking up at me. I merely look from her to him.

“Before you do anything, let me tell you what happened,” she says putting a hand to my chest and relates the actions of the night prior that Drescoll told her. “Jack, Nic saved his life. Don’t take what she died saving.”

Her words sink in but it doesn’t alleviate the pain. Only that it has to be released somehow. I realize she’s right and he didn’t do anything wrong but the pain and anger are still ripping apart my insides. I hand her my M-4 and trudge down the stairs and outside. I know Robert, Bri, and Mom could use some consoling as well but I am not capable of that right now and just need to be alone. The sun on my shoulders outside doesn’t convey the warmth it did upon my arrival. I feel only a crushing blackness within.

I begin walking across the parking lot with no destination in mind. My only thought is to get somewhere where I can be alone. I see Little Robert off to a side of the parking lot playing fetch with Mike. Other teams are in the lot but keep busy looking elsewhere. Word must have spread and they feel uncomfortable not knowing what to say or do; knowing anything they say or do couldn’t possibly help. The exception is Red Team; Gonzalez, McCafferty, Henderson, and Denton.

“Sir,” Gonzalez says putting a hand on my shoulder, “I know whatever I say can’t possibly help but, well, I’m sorry.” The others pat my shoulder, nod in agreement with Gonzalez’s statement, and then walk away.

She’s wrong, I think watching them walk away in the sunlit parking lot. There’s a spark of light at the concern and sympathy both they and Lynn showed. Even Drescoll. I could see it in his eyes but didn’t give him a chance to voice it. I continue across the lot, numbly picking a direction. The lot ends and the brown grass begins but my steps carry on. The dry grass crunches under my boots as I walk further away from the building as if distance can ease me.

The grief crushes me once again and I drop to my knees in the grass. The sorrow and deep loss inside flows outward in wails. It threatens to overwhelm me. With each wail, I feel a little less pressure inside until I feel empty; a burned out husk but without the feeling like I’m going to explode. Numb and empty, I return back. Robert, Bri, Mom, and I hug and cry for a time. I try to cover Nic but fumble, blinded by my tears at seeing her again. I feel another hand on my shoulder.

“We’ll take care of her, Jack,” Drescoll says.

“Thanks. And I’m sorry,” I say to his gesture of understanding and sympathy.

He shrugs, “I’m sorry too, Jack.”

I look past Drescoll to see Kelly standing in the background and am reminded that she has her own lost daughter to be taken care of.

“Drescoll, Kelly’s daughter is missing. Can you have Red Team help her?” I ask.

“Sure thing, Jack, consider it done,” he answers.

I collapse on a cot feeling overwhelmed; very tired. I plan to take Nic out in the morning to lay her to rest in our favorite place, remembering her last words as tears stream down my cheeks until I fall asleep. I sleep for the rest of the day and through the night, waking in panic at intervals, feeling a short relief thinking it has all been a horrible dream until the reality of it sets in, beginning the whole process once again.

* * *

Red Team gathers by one of the Humvees checking on their ammo and supplies after receiving word from Drescoll that they were to help one of the new arrivals find her daughter.

“That really sucks about Jack’s daughter,” Gonzalez says checking her ammo pouches and radio.

“Yeah, no kidding,” McCafferty replies verifying both of their radios are in working order.

“Think he’ll be okay?” Henderson asks.

“What do you mean?” Gonzalez asks in response.

“Well, I knew this Sergeant in Afghanistan who lost one of his kids while he was there and completely lost it. Walked his entire squad into an ambush and fell apart,” Henderson answers looking back at the large structure.

“Look guys, it’s up to us to watch out for him and make sure we support him the best way we can. He’s one of us,” Gonzalez says.

“I don’t get the feeling that Jack will fall apart like that,” Denton says on the heels of Gonzalez.

“Hey, here comes the lady we’re supposed to help. Game faces on,” Gonzalez says watching Kelly, Brian, and Jessica approach across the lot. “Hey, by the way, who’s leading us?”

“You are,” McCafferty replies.

“Nice try but no thanks,” Gonzalez says.

“Sorry, but you brought it up so you’re it by default. You two agree?” McCafferty asks Henderson and Denton who both nod their agreement. “You’re outvoted so you’re it.”

“Fuck you guys,” Gonzalez responds. Kelly and the others finally join them and introductions are made.

“Are you ready, ma’am?” Gonzalez asks.

“Yes,” Kelly answers.

“Okay, let’s load up. Henderson, you drive,” Gonzalez says.

“Uh, ma’am, I’m not really comfortable with your daughter coming along,” Gonzalez adds seeing Jessica begin to enter.

“Why not?” Kelly asks.

“Because we don’t know what we’re going to find out there,” Gonzalez answers.

“She’ll be fine, miss,” Brian says.

“You really don’t know that or what it’s like out there do you?” Gonzalez says. “I’m not comfortable with taking her and she’ll be safer here. She stays. And I’m not a “miss” as you so eloquently put it. You may call me Corporal or Gonzalez, your choice.”

“I don’t really care one way or the other. Can we just go?” Kelly states.

With everyone on board, Henderson starts the Humvee. Lynn walks across the lot and to the open window. “I want you all back here by 1900. That gives you three hours.”

“Yes, First Sergeant,” Gonzalez responds from the passenger seat.

“That’s back here, not starting back or taking off on some sight-seeing adventure.”

“Hooah, First Sergeant.”

“Okay, good luck,” Lynn says.

“How’s Jack?” McCafferty asks.

“Finally sleeping. Now off with you.”

They head off and make their way through town taking several turns with Kelly’s guidance. They motor through the quiet and empty streets but the pervasive smell of rot fills the air. The houses seem to shrink back from the streets as if knowing their usefulness to humanity has come to an end and they’re receding into the background. To the team, they seem to grow dimmer in the light of the sun as if the harboring of so much dead or night runners has changed their personality or charm; as if the dead are somehow changing the very essence of what were once called homes.

“Is this what it’s like everywhere?” Kelly asks at one point, looking at the quiet and still environment.

“Yes, ma’am. At least as far as we’ve seen,” Gonzalez answers.

“It doesn’t seem that bad,” Brian says from the back seat next to Kelly.

“Fuckin’ noob,” Henderson chuckles under his breath so only Gonzalez can hear.

Gonzalez chuckles at his comment before answering, “Wait until night or go waltz into one of those buildings and you’ll change your mind.”

“Yeah, we really didn’t know until last night,” Brian says and relates the story at the apartment as they make their way to where Kelly thinks Carrie might be.

The team members shake their heads after hearing the story, although told from Brian’s point of view, and sorry that Jack had to return to such a tragedy after going through a night like that. They pull into a neighborhood tract and up to a light blue house as directed by Kelly. They park and exit noticing the front door open on the two- story house built closely to its neighboring houses. The house is one of those tract houses that are thrown up quickly and pretty basic in its shape and nature. Curtains are drawn across the front windows facing a small porch and on the two upstairs windows as well. The open door isn’t evidence of anything in particular but the fact that