(Never) Again

“Really? You said the movie was bad. You’d sit through it again?”

“For you? You know I would.”

I don’t know what came over me. The relief of knowing there was a movie, the excitement of not having to read the book, my anticipation for the upcoming weekend. Whatever it was, I can honestly say it took over my body. I jumped up and kissed Zach on the cheek, circling my arms around his neck.

As soon as my arms linked, I realized my mistake. His spicy scent filled my head, his warmth wrapped around me like a comforting blanket and I was lost in familiar memories.

Zach hovered over me, my back pressed into the softness of my mattress while Titanic played in the background. He always let me pick the movies, but that was because we barely ever watched them.

The ship hadn’t even set sail when Zach had crawled on top of me and started raining kisses down the side of my neck.

Popcorn sat uneaten on my nightstand—as far as my parents knew we were settled in watching a movie. If they opened the door, Zach would never be allowed in my bedroom again.

I had flipped the lock on my door even though I was told not to. Oops.

My hands travelled up Zach’s face, running through his hair. I pulled his head to mine and pressed my mouth to his, trailing my tongue along his mouth. His lips parted, allowing our tongues to meet.

I rose up, pressing my hips to his. He was hard against me and I wondered what it would be like to go all the way. I ran my hands under his shirt, warmth radiating off his skin and warming me all over.

I tugged at his shirt and pulled it over his head. He kissed my nose and drew back looking into my eyes. “We should slow down,” he said.

I knew he didn’t want to stop, but I also knew that he thought I wasn’t ready. Whenever we got too hot and heavy, he always showed unbelievable restraint and pulled away. But I wanted him. Needed him. I was so sure I was ready.

“Don’t stop,” I whispered. I leaned up and drew him back to me.

“Are you sure?” he asked, tucking my hair behind my ears.

I nodded, completely certain I was ready. His mouth crushed into mine and I lifted, allowing him to pull my shirt over my head. He kissed a path down my neck into the rise of my breasts.

Large hands splayed across my back and with one quick movement my bra fell forward. His hands moved from my back, replacing the cups of the bra. Goosebumps spread across my body as he ran a thumb across my nipple before dipping his head down and taking it into his mouth.

My head fell back in ecstasy, and I rocked against him. His tongue moved down to my stomach and stopped at the top of my jeans. He placed his hands over the button, my heart raced and just as he was about to slide it open, I pulled back.

“I’m sorry,” I blurted then covered my face with my hands. I bit back my embarrassment as a tear fell down my cheek.

I thought I was ready. I did. But as soon as his hands travelled south, fear overtook me. Embarrassment replaced all my other emotions, and I couldn’t look at him. I’d done it again.

The bed shifted with his weight and his hand rested on mine, pulling it away from my face. “Don’t cry. It’s okay.” He took my bra and slid it up my arms, pulling me onto his lap as he fastened it back into place. I nuzzled my head against his bare chest, allowing the spicy scent to calm me. He kissed my nose and reached for my shirt, before pulling it over my head and smoothing it into place.

“I’m sorry. I wanted to. I want to. I just—”

“Shh.” He rested his finger on my lips, dark eyes watching me intently. “You never have to apologize to me. And I never want to make you do anything you don’t want to. Just say no and I’ll stop. No questions asked.”

I looked up at the boy who managed to make me fall in love with him more every day and smiled. “Thank you.”

He bent down and kissed my nose, slid his shirt back on then positioned himself against my headboard. “Come here, and watch the movie with me.” He pulled me against him and I snuggled up into his warmth.

I didn’t realize how long we’d been making out until I glanced up at the TV just in time to see Rose on the floating door and Jack holding her hand, slowly freezing to death in the water.

Zach pressed his lips to my ear and whispered, “I’ll never let go.”

* * *

I dragged my thoughts back to the present, released my grip from Zach’s neck and jumped away from him. “I can’t. Watch a movie. You know, with the party tomorrow and everything. I have too much to do.”

I lied. I already had the fridge filled with beer, the keg ordered, and all my breakables put away. And per Sadie’s request, the pillows were locked in her closet. But I couldn’t go to Zach’s place and watch a movie with him. We’d never been able to watch a movie from start to finish.

And granted, a year was between us, and I had a boyfriend I loved, but still I didn’t trust myself around Zach. He awakened desires within me that I shouldn’t have. It was because of what we shared in the past, and even though it was over, even though it destroyed me, I couldn’t help remembering the good times. And deep down, I longed to go with him.

I glanced up, and the way he looked away from me, I knew my damn lip had betrayed me. It was official. I was the world’s worst liar.

“It’s okay. I really have to get going anyways. Have to head over to see Mimi before my next class.”

He lied too. He didn’t have enough time between classes to see Mimi. But he was giving me an easy out, and I was grateful. “Tell her I say hi,” I said and took my books from his arms, making sure to avoid skin-to-skin contact.

His lip quirked at the corner. “I will.” He ran his hand through his hair and stepped back. “See you at your party,” he said before turning away and disappearing onto the quad.

After finding my two non-internet-based sources to cite at the library, I stopped at the campus coffee shop, ordered my usual hazelnut macchiato, and headed back to my place.

I parked my car and headed into the building. As I approached my door, my attention was drawn to the small square object on the floor. I bent down to pick it up—staring back at me was the DVD for The Name of the Rose.

Even after I lied to Zach, he still came through for me. I tucked the DVD under my arm and opened my door, dropping my bag on the side of the couch. I opened the case and inside was a post-it note.

Hope this helps.

Zach

I popped the DVD into the player and sat on the couch. Twenty minutes into it, Sadie walked in.

“What ya watching?” she asked, plopping down on the couch, and pushing her hair out of her face.

“Something you’ll hate. A boring movie about the Middle Ages.”

She raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow at me. “And why are you watching this?”

“So I don’t have to read the book.”

She picked up the case and turned it over, gray eyes flicking back and forth over the words. “Yeah, I love you, but no way in hell am I watching this. Where’d you get it anyway? Don’t tell me you wasted money on it.”

“Zach dropped it off,” I said, refusing to look her in the eye. The way she repositioned herself, I knew the questions were coming. I hit pause on the remote and turned to her. Eye contact or not, she wasn’t going anywhere.

“Really? And how’d he know you needed this?”

“I bumped into him on the quad earlier.”

Both eyebrows rose this time, and I braced for her next question.

“Was it a planned bump?” She rested her chin on her hand.

“What do you think? Of course not. He just happened to be there with Tanya and he spotted me.”